Post # 1
Throughout my life my parents have always argued, but have always been able to move past it. In recent years it has escalated to such an extent that I am the one who finds myself in the middle of it. My mom feels that my dad has sacrified his family for work and believes that he cheated on her. My perspective of the situation is that he was doing what he had to to provide security for his family- he never missed an athletic meet or band concert. I never felt as if he wasn’t around enough. And I truly don’t believe that he cheated. I’ve considered both sides of that debate, and I don’t believe it to be true. FI agreed with me on that as well, since he’s a more neutral party. I can’t seem to be alone with my mom without her putting my back against the wall (figuratively) and trying to turn me against my dad. I’ve begged her to not discuss it with me, but she refuses to let up on it. I think at 24 I have the emotional and intellectual capacity to make my own decisions about what I think of people. The more someone tries to force a view down my throat, the less likely I am to believe it.
My father has offered to go to counseling, change, renew their vows, do whatever she wants. He’s done this in front of me, so I know it to be the truth. She denies him ever saying any of these things. I feel as if she’s acting very paranoid (she tells me that all of his coworkers are laughing at her about the affair) and somewhat irrational. I am beginning to truly believe that she relishes the role of the victim (even though she was told that in the event of a divorce, all properties in the family are hers along with the majority of my father’s high income).
I’m heartbroken and I’m anxious. Their marriage has gone through a lot, but their love for one another has always prevailed. Now I have to plan my wedding while being in the middle of what could be their divorce (the term has been tossed around quite a bit lately). I’m also sad because it doesn’t seem fair to my dad who is really a great man and would do anything for his family. I’m also anxious that my mom will really go off the deep end and that somehow it will become my responsibility to deal with the fallout. Frankly, I don’t think my mother will be any happier divorced. I feel that there is a psychological instability (she attempted suicide when I was in elementary school) that needs to be dealt with. I think they’ll be miserable together or apart at this point. I’ve also noticed that these fights tend to escalate around February for some reason, which I find odd.
I really do not want this to be my reality. I’m devastated and don’t know if either outcome will make anyone happy or even less miserable. I feel that there’s a lot of irrationality going on. Im just really upset. I’ve barely stopped crying in the last few days.
Post # 3
Don’t pick sides, try not to have an opinion, and refuse to listen to it. I know you hae told your mom to not talk to you about it, but you need to stop her eery single time she starts. No matter how much you think you know, you will neer get the full picture and it will change your relationship with your parents, in fact it already has.
As far as your mother’s mental health, it’s sounds like she need to see somebody. If your dad is offering to go to counceling with her, maybe that would open the door to her seeing someone on her own, but with her past suicide attempt and her escalating behaiors, it sounds like she needs help.
Post # 4
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@incognitobumblebee: You need to take a step back from the situation and play Switzerland (be neutral & don’t take sides) for a while if you want to maintain relationships with both parents after the divorce. Their divorce has nothing to do with you and there is nothing you can do to fix their marriage; it’s something they have to want and work on for themselves.
While they go through the process of separating and divorcing you can be supportive of them without getting involved in their arguments or negativity about the other parent. Make it clear that you love them but you can’t take sides because you love both of them. Set clear boundaires with each of them regarding topics you will not discuss with them (and also point out you are making the same rules with the other parent so they know you’re being fair.)
When mom starts discussing things you don’t want to discuss with her, stop the conversation immediately and change the subject, if she persists then let her know that she should talk to counselor about her marriage/divorce because it’s not right to put a child (even an adult child) in that situation. If she continues to persist, let her know you will talk to her about anything and everything except the marriage/divorce and leave.
We were glad we did this with my in laws because they ultimately decided to try one more time to make their marriage work. They both knew their son and I loved them both but we didn’t meddle in their relationship because it was for them to decide. They are now thinking of separating again and we have gone back to being Switzerland. I can tell my husband is sad about it but he realizes now they need to do what best for them and we have to stay out of it so we can maintain our relationship with both parents no matter what happens.
Post # 5
@ieatunicorns: Unfortunately while my dad begs for them to go to counseling, she refuses. She was taking medication at one point but decided she didn’t need it anymore.
Post # 6
Would your mom be open to private therapy just for herself? Maybe that could help her sort out some of her concerns and in general help her state of mind during all of this. I am so sorry you are going through this but hang in there. I know not every couple is the same but my parents went through a very rough patch awhile back and theyve come through much stronger than I have ever seen them. If your mom doesnt want to do personal therapy maybe shed go with you if itd make her more comfortable?
Post # 7
I totally agree with the other 2 bee’s. I know what it’s like being inbetween those fights. Not fun at all. try to stay neutral. I hope things get better!
Post # 8
- Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle
From what you have said, it sounds like your mum has some psychological issues. The paranoia is probably a sign of some larger issues. I would make every effort to get her to see someone. Medication and therapy could really help her and improve life her and everyone else involved.