(Closed) parents divorcing now?

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@mariwithani:  Mine separated the week after I got engaged. It was a complete surprise to the world, but aparently they’ve been unhappy a long time. The one good thing I can say is once they got used to things (I noticed when I visited 8 months after) my mom seems to be in a much better mood than I can ever remember. And my dad is doing ok too. I don’t  really know the details because I live far away and don’t get to visit very often. But it seems like its actually made both of their lives better. The other good news is your wedding is still relatively far away, so they will probably be able to function in the same room together on your wedding day without too much of an issue.

ETA: My best advice is to tell them you don’t want to hear about their relationship unless it directly relates to you or the wedding. So for example, if they were planning on giving a gift together or paying for things together or seperately then thats fine. But mom venting to you about dad just puts you in a terrible position. I really struggled with my parent’s separation for the first couple months because I let them both vent to me which really strained my relationship with each of them. Once I realized that wasn’t ok and figured out how to communicate that to them things really improved for me. Also talk to your siblings about how they are doing and make sure to check up on them. I’m the second oldest of four and my siblings each processed things at very different rates. They’re all going through the same thing as you and are good people to lean on.

Post # 5
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@mariwithani:  Also, I told my parents they aren’t allowed to have dates at the wedding unless the divorce is finalized. I know my dad has been dating someone (or maybe he’s seeing someone else now, who knows because he’s not allowed to tell me about it) and I said I don’t want to be introduced or know who it is. I think its perfectly fine to expect them to show up solo and will probably cause less drama that way. If they had been divorced for a long time or were remarried then it would be different. But I’m not ready to deal with the idea of them seeing other people even if they are. The only way I think I can truely process that will be after all the papers are signed. And if that happens right before my wedding then I think its still reasonable to want a mourning period for their marriage.

I know one of my biggest issues with their divorce was they they were my golden standard for a perfect marriage. Maybe it wasn’t ideal, but its the relationship I was the most familiar with. Its tough trying to recategorize that when I’m trying to plan my wedding and create a good marriage for myself. So I’ve stopped trying to compare my relationship to theirs and to find new role model relationships, like my grandma and step grandpa’s (been together since before I was born).

Post # 6
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

First off (( HUGS ))

Lol, feel free to come back for more… you probably will need them as you go thru this phase of your life (sucks that it is happening while you are planning such a happy occasion as a Wedding)

The advice from @asscherlover:  is excellent.  Indeed don’t get sucked into the drama… your Parents will want to vent, and they no doubt will be looking for allies.  I found that a Divorce sadly makes people take sides… you don’t want this to happen, because not only is it going to split up your Parents, it can seriously split up your Family as well (you might want to talk to your siblings and the 3 of you make a pact UPFRONT that NONE of you are going to get drawn into the Drama… otherwise, before you know it you are).

The Wedding and Planning no doubt will now be more difficult.  I pray that your Parents aren’t super ugly and bitter… because that can wreck H3LL for a Bride… “Your Father ___” and “Your Mother ___” comments being bandied about can drive you crazy.  Hopefully the two of them will be civil, and take your feelings into consideration, and manage to get thru the day without making it a horrid mess for you

As for your feelings.  They are not that unusual, even though you are a grown woman who doesn’t live at home, and hasn’t for some time.

My Parents got a Divorce after 35+ Years of Marriage.  I was in my late 20s, and Married and had children.  It was a raw wound for me as well.

Their Seperation / Divorce was a a war zone.  And that aside, it was a Devastating Blow for me.  Although it was their Marriage, it was MY FAMILY.  And I was heartbroken.

To be dead honest, it tore our family apart… and things have never been the same since.  I am close to one Parent, and estranged from the other (primarily because of that Parent’s choices).  It is sad, but it is what it is.

NOTE (ADDED IN LATER) – I wrote my full reply here after the first one by @asscherlover:.  So it is kind of funny to find my last paragraph below is in-sync now with her most recent reply…

The one thing you can truly WISH for in regards to your Wedding, is that hopefully neither of them will bring “a Date”… that tends to ramp up the Drama (at least based on topics here on WBee regarding Brides Planning Weddings with Divorced Parents). 

I remember when my Dad first started Dating… I was truly hurt.  I honestly felt it was wrong that he could be looking for someone to “replace” my Mom (in actuality of course he was just looking for companionship and love again)… but for me it felt differently.  Psychologists say this is of course normal… be one a young child (common feelings) or an adult… there is just some sort of finality to the situation when a Parent begins Dating and finding someone to “fill a void”.  For them it is a natural part of being single… for children, no matter our ages, it just is a reminder of the finality of it all, and the emptiness we feel.


Interesting the tables turned some 15 years later, when my Dad was planning his second marriage, and I was in the midst of my Divorce.  As much as I was happy for him finding love again, I just couldn’t stomach it all… I was just too absorbed in my own pain and the ugly end to my 20+ year marriage.  A lot of water has passed under that bridge now though (10+ Years) and I am now able to embrace him and his partner… it has a lot easier since I myself have been in a good relationship, and am planning to remarry.  My Dad & his wife have been my biggest supporters.  They are actually really really cute about it, suppose it is because they know the value of finding love again “at a certain age”.

As they say, time heals just about all wounds.

Hope this helps (even a little),

Post # 7
27 posts
  • Wedding: July 2009

I am very sorry to hear what you are going through. My parents divorced after 28 years of marriage. Despite having our own adult lives, it was devastating for both my brother and I. It felt like the stability of my happy childhood was ripped away at the foundation. To make matters even more challenging, my Mom remarried shortly after the divorce was finalized and two months before my wedding. That made my wedding day very painful for my Dad.

Three years later and I feel much better about the situation. My Mom is very happy and is living the life she wants to live. She does not describe her marriage to my Dad as a failure but rather a successful union that ran it’s course. My Dad feels the same. I can honestly say I appreciate how things have worked out. I hope you will be able to feel the same in time.

Post # 8
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

My parents split while I was on my honeymoon with my 1st husband. I was just 21.  They’d both been total nightmares during my whole wedding process…and I was only getting married in the first place as they’d said they’d disown me if I lived with my boyfriend!

They had been married for 23 years and my father had constantly cheated on my mother.  He’d waited until my younger brother was 18 to completely leave, as it meant my mother wouldn’t get the house.  

The divorce was awful.  I was actually divorced before my mother was!  My mother employed every form of emotional blackmail she could and I haven’t seen my father since…and it’s now 24 years later and she’s even more bitter than she was the day it happened.

Honestly, I would tell them both that they cannot discuss the other, or the divorce, with you.  You are not a therapist, you are their child.  Don’t put up with any trash talking, either.


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