(Closed) Parents don't approve, making this not the happiest time of my life

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’d have a read of Penn Gilette’s awesome book  “God, No! Signs You May Already Be an Athiest.”  While you may not be an athiest yourself, it has some excellent insight on dealing with people of other faiths who may not be flat-out trying to convert you, but may be in many ways making you feel unwanted, unloved, outast or disappointing because you dont’ see eye to eye with them when it comes to religion. 

My mother is EXTREMELY religious and while I myself was raisd catholic, I’ve not practiced that faith in decades. She had her heart set on a church wedding for me, and while I didn’t get a huge fight over it (honestly I think she’s just glad I’ve met someone to marry and I won’t “die alone” in her words), she still tries to interject the church into our wedding. It takes a LOT of restraint to not get offended or angry when she sends me cards saying she’s having mass said in my name, but having read the book and seen Penn Gilette live, I feel a lot more comfortable with what she’s saying (even if I don’t agree with it, or how she says it).  It has made it a lot easier for both of us to talk about religion and our differing views without being hurtful.

This will not solve all your problems but might at least get you to the point where you can have  a productive conversation with your family.  

Post # 4
585 posts
Busy bee

Wow, your parents are being ridiculous! I hate when people are so judgmental.

Your parents are basing love and acceptance on religious beliefs, and I’m sorry (well, not really), but love is not supposed to be so shallow!!!!! Talk about ignoring your boundaries! I’d flip it around on them. They don’t like your interfaith marriage? Well, you/your Fiance don’t like their same-faith marriage! See if they like it when they are judged for such dumb reasons. Do what makes you guys happy, and don’t worry about anyone else’s opinion.

Side note to fishbone: I’m an atheist, anlive love Penn Jillete, but I hated that book lol! Just a whole bunch of rambling and profanity and I kept waifrog for him to get to the point but he never did, lol…. Still love him tho! 😉

Post # 5
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m a Bill Maher-style atheist (apatheist), so I won’t get into the religious stuff here.  Not worth the brain space.


The part that bothers me about your post is this:

my dad was physically abusive for most of my life, and very VERY controlling of me and my mom. I don’t know why, I think as part of “getting used to” the abuse and control, I still did everything he wanted and expected me to do til I was well into college (Im 23 now). it took me until last year to speak up and say to him “what you did was abuse us, and I’m still not over it”

Your father is abusive.  Period.  His “180” only lasted a very short while, so it’s pretty safe to say that this is a man who has not, and probably will not, change.  I hope he takes you up on that threat to never see his future grandchildren, because he sounds toxic.  That’s not something I’d want my own children exposed to.

Do I think you should go ahead and plan your wedding?  Of course.  It sounds like your Fiance is a positive influence in your life.  But on the other hand, I strongly suggest that you seek therapy.  Only a therapist who specializes in this kind of abuse can help you navigate this situation.

Post # 6
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I say go for it! I think your Fiance has the right idea. They are going to be upset regardless. 



Post # 7
1274 posts
Bumble bee

Wow. That’s a lot to handle. Good for you for standing up to your dad and admitting that he did abuse you and your mom. That takes a lot of strength and I hope you have or are talking to someone about it. It’s a big burden to carry around. 

I think that if you feel in your heart that your fiance is the one and that he is willing to support and help you through the rocky relationship between you and your parents then yes, you should plan your wedding. They are going to be upset either way but perhaps if they see how serious you two are about getting a venue and starting to plan they eventually may come around. Big if, but it could happen. 

If you are not that religion anymore and do not want to be involved in it then it really is irrelevant what denomination your fiance is. I understand how your parents think the way they do because they are disregarding your feelings on the subject – but stick to your guns girl, you are the master of your own destiny, as they say! 🙂

Post # 8
531 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I agree with LR2012 completely, I couldn’t have said that any better myself. 

Post # 9
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

Yeah. Your dad is STILL trying to control you, by the way. Close your eyes, think about the wedding, and feel what’s going on within. Obviously, your reaction is one of anxiety, because you CARE what your parents think about you, even though they are NOT coming to the wedding as you said. 

You’ve got to get rid of that. Also, your parents do not accept your lack of faith, otherwise they wouldn’t be forcing that religion on the kids. 

I’m in an interfaith relationship too– I come from a Catholic family (I do not practice, as I am wearing the same shoes you are) and my Darling Husband is Jewish. I had the worst time with his mother in particular being pushy about religion, but that’s not a decision she gets to make. Our kids will be OUR kids. The sooner she gets it, the better. Same with your family too. But you have to make that bit stick. 

By the way, since you say your father was abusive, I recommend this book to you: http://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Abusive-Parents-Emotionally/dp/0345363884/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1338863133&sr=8-1

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