Parents Feel Like They Don't Know My Fiance

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Can you find a day and spend it with your FI and your family, so they can get to know him?

My DH’s family was worried when we first got engaged, since they had only met me twice (despite that we’d been dating for two years). But we saw them every other month while planning (we got married in their city), and they felt much better by the actual wedding day!

Post # 5
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@marie_antoinette:  rather than just a dinner why not organize a full or half-day outing that everyone can take part in? Dinner is only a short period of time and people might feel pressured to make conversation which could end up being awkward. A fun outing or activity will keep the focus off the “getting to know each other” part and your family can interact with your FI in more casual setting. Try to find something that everyone will enjoy doing, maybe skating, bowling, visiting a comedy club, go karting or even visiting a holiday attraction in your area. When FMIL was visiting us last December, we took her and my family to an outdoor Christmas market that had little stalls, mini carol concerts, etc. Everyone enjoyed walking around chit-chatting, having a hot chocolates, buying little gifts and basically just getting to know each other without realizing it. 

Post # 6
810 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Yep. been through this, on both sides actually because my FI and I fairly private as well.

It doesn;t sound like your family is too needy.  One side of the family was very needy with what they classified as “knowing us as a couple,” and ultimately we just decided that they would need to get used to it because what they were asking for was too much. (think weekly dinners and activities)

The other side, all it took was them to recognize that we took a concious effort to get to know them, and then it was all good.

Have them over for dinner once or twice and take it from there. In my opinion there is no need for ellaborate all day outings. I think you can get a lot more mileage out of more low-key time, but your call.

Post # 7
855 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

I think it’s a little bit ridiculous for you to expect them to get 11 years of knowing him into 5 months. He’s this guy you for whatever reason didn’t feel was important enough to bring around them, even though you had been dating him A DECADE until you guys got engaged. That story works for folks dating a few months or a year or two… but 11 YEARS?!?!?! and you were just fine going around his family? There’s something MUCH more to this story because his BPD isn’t going to go away the day of the wedding.

I don’t know how you fix this because their daughter is marrying a virtual stranger and that’s nothing you’re going to fix in 150 days.

Post # 8
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

It sounds like you are in a tough spot. How important is it to you and your FI that your family gets to know him and his family? My dad has met my FI twice and will see him again in January. So 3 times in 3 years. I have met his mom and step dad a half a dozen times in addition we went on vacation with them last summer, we stayed at a seperate hotel and spent the days with them. I have never met anyone on his dad’s side including his dad. Our families will meet for the first and most likely only time at our wedding. This works for us. If you are ok with things the way they have been for the past 11 years, don’t force the issue to please everyone else. 

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