Parents, finances, and guest list-OH MY!

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
886 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

130 family members is a lot! Maybe I just have a smaller family, but I can’t imagine that you’re particularly close to all of those family members. Ultimately, it’s your wedding, and you need to do what’s best for you and your fiance. Does your venue have any restrictions on size?  230 is a big amount already without adding a potential 50 more people. I don’t know how long your reception will be, but you’re most likely not going to be able to talk to 280 people! Plus, with an extra 50, you’re adding more waitstaff, obviously more tables and food, etc. Take the list of 130 she gave you, and pick the ones that you would’ve invited anyway. Then give her X more people to add to that list, and she’ll have to pick and choose. Feelings get hurt when it comes to invitations, but she needs to understand that if you give her her whole guest list, then FIs family is going to want to have THEIR whole guest list, and the wedding will be out of control.

Post # 3
1566 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Misplacedsox:  I totally know how you feel on the large family lists.

We decided to buck tradition for our family and just invite gradparents, aunts, uncles, and their kids (cousins). We left great aunts & uncles and second cousins (and beyond) off of the guest list. This created a huge dent in our list and meant that combined, we have about 140 family guests together rather than the 200+ we would have been at before even considering friends and family friends.

Post # 4
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

nadnuk:  +1 you just need to draw the line somewhere! we did not invite great aunts/uncles or second cousins too.

Post # 5
1259 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

There is really nothing much you can do except talk to her and explain that 280+ is just too many. Tell her that as much as you appreciate her offer to help financially, you cannot accept. Gently tell her that it is your wedding and this is what you and your FI want.

I hope you can get through to her and I hope she understands. Good luck!

Post # 6
9938 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think mrscali13:‘s vice is great. 

Look at your list versus your mom’s – who overlaps?  Those people are automatically in.  Then figure out how many guests she gets (ideally the same number the your FIL’s are getting so there aren’t hurt feelings given the money situation). 

My family is big too, FH’s extended fmaily is also large.  We drew firm lines where we were cutting the family off from day one and we’ve stuck to our guns.

Post # 7
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

240 guests divided among 3 (your FMIL, you and your FI, and your own parents) is 80 guests each.  That’s fair and square.  Put the money/budget issue aside, it’s obviously making your parents feel bad they can’t contribute, and just make this about fairness and equality.  Let her know your FMIL is cutting guests to only invite 80 people (or at least tell her that!).    

Post # 8
43300 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

At some point we all have to stand up to our parents. This may be your time.

” Mom, we are allotting you ___ seats. Please list your guests in the order of priority because if you can’t limit your list to this number, we will when we send out the invitations. This is about more than budget, so please don’t offer to pay for the additional guests. We have decided what kind of wedding we want,  and this is the number of guests we are able to accomodate.”

Post # 9
7316 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You just have to stop reacting to her “Hurts” she will survive. Either you want your wedding or you want to spare her feelings. You can’t have both. 

Post # 10
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Misplacedsox:  Not to sound too harsh but its not exactly your mothers decision.. the guest list is for you and your FI to decide on. You need to be clear with her on this. Just invite your closest family.. those who you couldn’t imagine not having there. My family alone makes up more than 50% of our guest list so I get it! But 280+ is a LOT of people, i’m sure they’re not all expecting to be there!

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