Post # 1
Here’s my dilema. My parents and I have never talked about who would pay for my wedding, in fact, until about a year ago I always assumed I’d pay myself. Last year, after her cousins wedding, my step-mom (who is notoriously cheap) made a comment to me and my dad about my dad not being able to afford an open bar with 3 daughters. It kind of threw me as I never thought he would pay. It hasn’t come up since. I’ve only seen (and spoken) to my dad once since the engagement 3 weeks ago (he lives in a different city – I saw him at the step-mom’s family home for Easter). My question – if your parents helped you, who initated the conversation? I’m not sure I’d be comfortable asking my dad if he plans to help. My mom can’t possibly help me, her financial situation is worse than mine was when I was a student and my FFIL is facing a potential layoff in a few months (he’s in limbo) and his mom doesn’t make much so really, any help we get would be from my dad (who makes more than the other 3 combined and then my step mom makes that as well). What do i do?
Post # 3
@MsGinkgo: if your dad is going to help, he should be the one to offer, you shouldn’t ask. It’s early days yet, I wouldn’t worry too much about it, but to be safe, plan your wedding as if you will have to pay for all of it because really, at the end of the day, it is your responsibility.
Post # 4
My parents brought it up.
It’s a bit of a two-edge sword though, cos my parents are retired and do not have much money and I feel a bit guilty especially when I consider they will probably not be able to travel overseas now. But they said last year it was important to them and they had always planned to contribute to our weddings. Just know that when people contribute money there’s nearly always going to be some kind of consequence to it.
Post # 5
to be clear – I don’t expect him to offer to pay for everything by any stretch, I’m just hoping for a contribution – offering to pick up the cost of an item or something.
Post # 6
I would assume to pick up the bulk of the cost, if not all. So plan accordingly. If there is a contributionc coming your way, your parents will make it known to you & you can either upgrade an item or have a little more savings.
This way you will be happy no matte you get, & if you receive anything.
Post # 7
@MsGinkgo: plan according to your finances and budget. if and when anyone offers, treat it as a welcome bonus and save your cash for starting your new life together.
This has worked beautifully for us, we have the cash to pay ourselves for the size of wedding we are planning. having that to fall back on in case our parents can no longer contribute or try to exert control is a blessing. oh and btw our parents randomly offered cash for the wedding. we honestly never figured they would contribute.
Post # 8
I’m guilty of looking at too many wedding planning magazines that keep telling me i should sit down with our families and decide who’s paying for what. That seemed odd to me so I asked you 🙂
I will wait and see if he offers, if he does GREAT, if not – we’ll manage 🙂
Post # 9
My parents let me know when I was like…ten years old that there was a certain amount that each of us kids got as a wedding gift to use towards the wedding. I didn’t learn what this amount was until I was old enough to comprehend it (it was enough to cover the entire wedding), but I don’t even remember when they told me, it was always just a given I guess (like how I didn’t even ask my sister to be MOH, she just knew, lol)
Post # 10
@MsGinkgo: We started planning as though we were paying for everything ourselves. My mom always told me she wanted to buy my dress so I knew about that and she said something along the lines of ” me and daddy want to help with the wedding”. It was vague so me and DH just ignored it and carried on planning according to our budget until my parents sat us down and talked specifics with us about how much they wanted to offer, or what they wanted to pay for etc.
Post # 11
With hubbys family they offered to pay for all of the rehearsal dinner and we were thrilled we didnt have to bring it up to them. My dad knew he was going to help but I couldnt get a set answer out of him as to how much he could contribute (I say could because I know if he could have afforded to pay for the whole thing he would have but I have 2 siblings in private high school, one who just got a car and the other will need one this December). I text and asked for an amount and he said that wad too high and came back with a lower amount. My mom (who really cant afford much) agreed to the difference of the amount I asked my dad for and what he agreed. They both wrote me checks monthly and I put it towards the venue. It was nice that they had a year to plan and budget rather than just give me one amount all at once.
Post # 12
@MsGinkgo: Always assume that you’re paying until someone actually hands you the money. We planned everything so that we would be able to afford it ourselves. We received some money from our moms, but we didn’t have to ask, they just sent it. We didn’t even know the amounts until we received the money. In fact, we had already booked/purchased 80% of our wedding before we even got any contributions.
Post # 13
I didn’t vote. They offered:
– My parents shortly after engagement (a few weeks?)
– His dad a few months after engagement
– His mom shortly after engagement
– My parents a chunk early on in deposits, rest after wedding we settled up
– His dad a few months before the wedding
– His mom in a wedding check day after the wedding (she offered earlier, but for various reasons we kept trying to refuse it until we felt we couldn’t when it was a gift).
We planned a wedding we could afford if they didn’t come through. Good thing too because my parents gave less than initially offered (because they counted things like their and my grandmothers hotel room, my mom’s two dresses, my mom’s hair cut in the amount they paid for the wedding).