Post # 1
Although it’s my wedding, dealing with my feuding parents is probably the biggest stress. My parents have been married for almost 30 years, and most of those years, my mother’s deeply resented my dad’s side of the family and him because of it. I barely know them, but from what I’ve been told, they were very controlling of my father after he got married (partially are to this day), my grandma always got her way, even getting my father away by faking sick on my parents’ wedding anniversary. My dad’s siblings would try to meddle in their finances. My mom was never right and in issues with my dad’s family, he’d never take her side. My dad’s mom even managed to insult my maternal grandmother behind her back during a family event, and did a lot of other things that my mom cannot forgive. My father never heard my mom out with these problems and thought she was the problem. How they stayed married, still beats me. My parents immigrated over from Europe (that is how they managed to stay married, moved away) and this whole bit quieted down. I never really got to know these people, but I don’t really resent anyone for it. Things are how they are and hopefully my relations with my future husband’s family willl be better.
BUT, my wedding day is coming and my father wants to invite his side of the family, who would have to stay in our house. My mother’s going ballistic, threatened to move out (which is a pretty valid threat), my father’s said some hurtful things to her, and at the same time he’s asking for the wedding invites that my fiance and I are going to print.
I am stuck in a bad place here, and just dont’ really know what to do. I don’t know if I should speak to my father about his attitude, trying to hear my mom out, I have no way of getting my mom to see past her anger.
What would you do???
Post # 3
One more detail to add to this drama, my father said this about him and his family to my mom "if we are not good enough to be at the wedding, we won’t be there" wtf??? Any input on this mess from anyone would be helpfu.
Post # 4
That is a tough situation! The thoughts that popped into my head were that if that side of the family treated your mom like crap on other special occasions, what would they do on yours? I think that if they have not really been close family members then why worry about it if it is giving you so much stress. Send them a DVD of the Wedding. I think your dad and his family are being a little childish, it is your wedding, it is about you and your FI’s love and beginning a new life, not getting caught up in others pasts and feuds. If your mom has been there for you and you support her, show her. Just make sure to talk with your dad, tell him you want him there, but there is no need for extra stress and family fueds on this special occasion.
Or talk to the fathers family tell them there is to be no fighting, and ask them to stay in a hotel.
I hope I gave you something to think about, and I hope it all works out! Good luck! I have a kind of similar situation because my bf (waiting on the ring) family does not want us together because I am not catholic. They may not even come to the wedding. Let me know what works!
Post # 5
you mention that your dad’s family primarily lives out of the country. What are the chances that most of the people will even come? especially if you dont know them…they may just be courtesy invites.
hmmm…do you live with your parents? when you say that the OOT guests will be staying at your house, do you mean your house or your mom + dad’s house? because if i were your mom id be at a hotel too…if they plan to stay at your house, tell your dad that some of your BMs will be staying and there is no room.
curious that your dad does not identify you + your mom as his family…I would not get in the middle though. there’s clearly a lot of history to this story. can you have a private talk with your dad and explain your feelings…that you dont really know these people and dont want them at the wedding if they are going to be disrespectful to your mother?
Post # 6
It is your and your FHs wedding, and they are your guests. So don’t give him any invites!! This is just another way to subvert your authority to invite who you want! Plus by giving in, you are definitely choosing his side. I would explain that you aren’t comfortable inviting a bunch of people who are going to insult your mother. That’s just not acceptable to you! Tell him you aren’t just another battle in this war, and neither is your wedding. If they want to duel it out, he’ll have to leave you out of it. You love them both, and that means making sure that your mom is happy on your wedding day too. It’s hard to “parent” your parent, but sometimes they just act so childish!! Stand up for yourself, you’re setting a precedent now that will echo with each child you have, etc.
Post # 7
I’m so touched to receive your support:) Thanks a lot! Your comments made me feel better and gave me ideas on how to deal with this issue. My head was spinning before. For the time being, mom and dad are trying to resolve this somehow together. I’m keeping my mom’s best interests in mind, and obviously, that of the wedding. I’ll give an update once some of this mess is resolved.
Post # 8
Please do, I’m so mad for you and your mom, now. I agree, that if it comes to blows, they shouldn’t be invited. Your dad has srewed up a bunch of stuff. He needs to stick up for your mom. He and his family need to apologize, at the least, if they are going to be invited. And really if your dad is not going to come to your wedding over this, and being manipulated by people in another country, he’s in bad shape. H e can’t defend your mom to his family. And he can’t even stand up for what’s important to you, his daughter???
As for your mom’s anger, I don’teve nknow if ther is much to address. I would be upset too. I could see wanting her to bend if these problems haven’t happened in years. But it sounds like from your dad’s behavior, that things are still as hot as ever.