Parents not happy with my 6 year gf for marrying her – need advice

posted 3 years ago in Muslim
  • poll: Should I
    Break-up with gf? : (1 votes)
    1 %
    Move out? : (3 votes)
    4 %
    Move out and start wedding preps? : (71 votes)
    93 %
    Stay with parents, continue to reason? : (1 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 3
    3249 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I think if you move out on your own, and commit to your new family in an honourable way, and tell your parents that you respect their advice and opinions, but disagree, you will, in the long run, earn their respect as a man.  It sounds like they see you as their child, and not as the man you are.  This will show them that you are an adult, and show them your commitment to your girlfriend.  I think it’s very respectable that you plan to do everything out in the open.

    Keep in mind, that most of the responses you will get here, including mine, are from a western perspective, and only you can make the right decision for yourself.  You know the cultural and familial customs and traditions that impact the situation far better than any of us.

    Post # 4
    90 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Sounds like a lot of family drama. I am going through a similar situation myself, so I don’t really have any advice to give, other than I empathize. 

    I have gotten engaged to my american boyfriend, who my dad does not even know exists. I’m worried about the fall out on my family when my dad does find out. My dad will never accept my fiance because my fiance does not follow a religion, and my dad is devout.

    In my experience with my father, nothing my sister and I say or do will be good enough in terms of school, lifestyle, dress etc. He always finds a reason why our clothes are inappropriate, and we dress quite conservatively compared to most american women.

    You just need to make a decision about what it is that YOU want. Our parents are from a very different generation than us, and we need to realize that they are not likely going to change. You’re in a lose-lose situation, because your parents actions are hurting your girlfriend (side note: i suggest you stop telling her what your parents say about her because us women tend to hold grudges and you could be potentially damaging any sort of future relationship between her and your parents), and they are also hurting you.

    I had a friend who stopped dating his american girlfriend because his parents pulled the “she’s not good enough” card. I believe he was pakistany as well. She was devestated. If you were to break up with your girlfriend, wouldnt that just cause you to harbour resentment against your parents? 

    I know some wedding bees are going to think that this next comment is completely assinine, but you also need to consider your timeline if you all are planning on starting a family together. I know my father seems to think that its the womans role to get married, have children and raise the family.

    You can’t let your parents dominate your life. You are old enough to make SMART decisions about your life. You just need to thank your parents for their input, tell them that you respect their opinions, but you RESPECTFULLY have to disagree with their decision. You seem like you know what you want regardless. Good luck.  

    Post # 5
    646 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @Duncan:  +1000. Seriously, I have nothing to add. Duncan’s advice is spot-on. Good luck, I hope it works out,

    Post # 6
    8389 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    @ejaz:  *HUGS*  I really feel for you.  I know that marriage means different things to different cultures, so my advice may be biased.  I am chinese, but came to the USA when I was 4.  I know traditionally, in my culture, parents want their children to marry within the same financial/social status.  They see it as a marrying of two families, not as two people in love.  My mother HATED my husband when we were first together and made me choose between my family and the man I loved.  I chose the man I loved and I don’t regret it for a single day.  It took a few years and moving across the country, but my mother finally sees how happy I am and how good my husband is to me.  Parents can be extremely selfish and refuse to see it because they think they are “guiding” you.  I wish you the best of luck and I hope that your family comes around.

    Post # 7
    974 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Hi Ejaz,

    I’m sorry to hear what you are going through and I’m glad you came here for advice. I have a lot of Muslim friends and I know how hard it can be to try to fit in to both worlds. The truth is that even if you did everything exactly the way your parents say you should your life will still never be the same as theirs because they got married in a different time and place. 

    I was always taught that the Quran says that only God can judge what is in a person’s heart. How do your parents claim to know what is in your girlfriends heart? I know how very important it is for you to respect your parents but it is even more important to stand up for what is just and your parents are being unjust to this girl. 

    When I first met my fiances mother she did not welcome me and said very hurtful things to my fiancé about me. I knew how important it was for my fiancé to have a relationship with his mother so I decided to always be kind to her no matter how bad she was to me. I did little things and encouraged my fiancé to be good to her as well. Eventually she started to see how her son had changed for the better and she liked it. She also started to trust me because I didnt give up or try to take him away. Now she loves me and even though we don’t speak the same language she no longer ignores me. We understand each other through acts of kindness, and in our hearts we are not so different. 

    Don’t give up hope! If you or your girlfriend show your mother that you are not sure about being together you will prove that she is right. Be firm but be kind with your parents and show them that love conquers hate. You are their boy, they will not disown you and if so will have to answer to God Almighty themselves. 

    Post # 8
    7147 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    You sound like such a nice man. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I agree with Duncan, all you can do is take a stand as a man while being respectful of your parents and honoring your traditions and culture, which it sounds like you are doing. I would also talk to your GF and explain to her that you realize this must be hurtful, but you hope she can support you as you do what’s best for the two of you. Make sure she knows how this pains you, and that you need her support too. Best of luck. 

    Post # 9
    1611 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    @Duncan:  I like this response the best, and I agree with it completely!

    Post # 10
    43 posts

    Is your GF Muslim? Coming from a fellow Muslim, I am going to have to agree with the majority and do what you have to do to marry this girl. My mum was born into an Australian Christian family and met my dad. She started doing her own research then converted from there. My dad didn’t like the fact that she was interested because he knew things would then get serious (we joke about it now). But in the end his family grew to love my mum even more and practicaly forced my dad to marry her lol but of course her family on the other hand did not except it at all and she was forced to choose. I guess me being here tells you what my mum chose to do in the end and although it upset her at the time her family was not accepting, she doesn’t go a day regreting any of it. I don’t see why your GF is left to suffer when you know that she is worth it all in the end. Being together for so long shows her commitment to you and I think she deserves to be shown some appreciation even if it requires upsetting your family. Unlike my mothers family, your parents may wish to eventually be involved in your lives and see how happy and compatible you really are. All the best inshallah.

    Post # 11
    7664 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

    Some good advice from PPs here.

    I’ve seen cases where families do not agree, and the couple wastes years and years of their life trying to reason with the families. Recently, my friend was in a somewhat similar situation. There were people in her village who were opposed to her marriage. These people would not agree, and it looked like their marriage would be delayed indefinitely, so you know what she did?

    Firstly, her boyfriend got a job in the city, which is common out there. He moved away. After a few months, she packed her bags and moved to the same city, to stay with family there, on the pretext of getting a job. Once there, they arranged their wedding and married, far away from the people who objected to their marriage.

    What will happen next is this: seeing as the couple did nothing wrong (they were not living in the village at the time, and therefore were not subject to customary law), when they move back home then people will forgive and forget. This is what happens in cultures where conflict resolution is very important. I suspect that it will also happen with your parents, in time.

    I realise that there is the expectation that your parents will live with you and your future wife, but this is, at least partially, in order to protect them in their old age. If they are not elderly now, then they do not require that protection at the moment. Also, as your divorced sister lives with them, she can fulfil that function for you. I would move out and marry. However, I would take steps to get your sister on your side before you do this. After marriage, she can argue your case, and encourage your family to forgive you. You can also continue to send your parents money etc through her, as the dutiful son you are. Give it time; your parents will eventually forgive you, especially after you have children (they will want to meet their grandchildren).

    Post # 12
    21 posts
    • Wedding: April 2014

    @ejaz:  Hey ejaz, look my fiancee is pakistani pashtun to be exact. His parents sound the EXACT same as yours, and my fiances brother has had 1 divorce from arrainged mairrage and they beleive his new wife is a gold digger/.. they think im a gold digger….his counsins (5 of them) have divorced from arrainged mairrage one is on his third mairrage..each one lasting less than a year. To be honest its about you being happy, dont let them manipulate you! Im caucasian but i converted to islam and technically his parents have to accept a new convert to the religion. Your gf IS PAKISTANI and muslim!!! ITS NOT ABOUT HER ITS ABOUT CONTROL—they just want to control you. DONT LET THEM. YOULL NEVER BE HAPPY. THEY WILL NOT DIE- THEY ARE ADULTS no matter how many heart attacks they fake ok my in law have FAKED HEART ATTACKS to get my fiance away from me. Its a game to them and dont play it with them– be mature, be happy, be a good family man and good muslim and they will come around once they see your not playing along with their games. Marry her without their blessing .

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