Parents not helping much when they can

posted 3 years ago in Money
Post # 3
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@Cordellia:  if your parents aren’t paying you dont have to invite their friends. You don’t decide how your parents spend their money and they don’t decide how you spend yours. That’s how it works. 

Post # 4
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@Cordellia:  They raised their kid – time for them to have fun and spend their money any way they want.   Also – retirement is a HUGE factor for a lot of people who have kids old enough to get married.  Many of them can’t sign over a check for 10K….they have their own future to worry about.

I get where you’re coming from but maybe eloping is the best option – at least then you won’t have resentment


Post # 5
6566 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Honestly, I wouldn’t invite their friends- if I were paying for my entire wedding then I would invite people that I want to be there and maybe give my parents a few courtesy invites. How many of their friends are you currently planning on inviting?

Just remember that it’s not their wedding to pay for. But that also means they shouldn’t have free reign with the invites.

Post # 6
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I’d elope..otherwise you might look back and always feel resentment and anger.

Post # 7
8615 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

You don’t have to invite their friends if they aren’t paying.  I would tell them “no” on that one.  If they want a bunch of friends invited, they should offer to pay for them.

Also, eloping (or having a small DW or something) isn’t a bad idea sometimes!

Post # 8
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

We live paycheck-to-paycheck too and my soon to be in-laws are always going someplace. They asked how we were doing the other day I told them I was super upset because the dryer broke and now it was going to the laundromat and the car needed a clutch etc. They didn’t say anything. My FI says they expect we will ask for money if we need it – maybe yours are the same?

“Mom do you think you could help us with (food, invitations etc)” Maybe remind her that she said she would help and did she forget! 🙂

Post # 9
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

BTW – LOVE the name Cordellia

Post # 10
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

You have a few options here.  My favorite is cancelling the wedding and eloping just the two of you.  I know that’s not always an option.

The second is to put your foot down and only invite the people you can afford to invite, parents’ friends be damned.  Don’t give them the option of paying per person because you will either get left holding the check when they later refuse to pay OR they will only pay enough to cover food and none of the other expenses that come with adding to your guestlist (more cake, more booze, more tables & chairs, more linens, more centerpieces, etc…..)

I wouldn’t even ask for a list from them if you know you can’t accommodate extras.  If they force one on you request that it be listed in order of importance with the most important at the top and least at the bottom so you can try to accommodate them if there is room on the guest list.

Post # 11
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Cordellia:  sorry, but your parents aren’t obligated in any way to spend their money on you. You’re an adult and should be responsible for having the wedding you can afford. It’s not any of your business how your parents choose to spend their money. If you’re old enough to be married, you’re old enough to deal with your own financial troubles and stop looking to your parents for help. 

Post # 12
2914 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

Don’t invite their friends. 

Post # 13
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Who says you have to invite their guests?  Invite only those people you truly wish to be part of your special day.  Parents have no say when they are not contributing to costs.

Post # 14
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Don’t invite their friends.  Don’t put their names on the invites. Explain all of this before hand and see what they say.  Seriously tho, you’re the one getting married you should be paying for it.   It’s their money, someday after you work hard and get ahead you can decide what to pay for concerning your children. 

Post # 15
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I have to agree with PPs on this – your parents are not obligated to give you money for your wedding.  But I also think that you are not obligated to invite their friends if you cannot afford it.  Perhaps they would be willing to kick in the extra $$ to invite those people if you tell them you cannot afford to?

Post # 16
7079 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@Cordellia:  we are also paying for our wedding entirely. My uncle has mentioned helping but like your FFIL it’s vague so I’m not counting on it. As a result, the only friends of parents we are inviting are people WE feel close to. You are under no obligation to invite THEIR friends to YOUR wedding. They want a big party with their friends? They should throw one. 

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