Post # 1
OK so I need to feel like I’m not taking crazy pills. This question has a couple of parts so please bear with me (I’ve been stewing about this stuff for a while). My fiancé and I are paying for our wedding ourselves (both his parents and my mom are not in the right financial position to pay for a 12-14k wedding). This is TOTALLY fine with both of us. However, both sides make little comments about who we should invite (think my grandmother’s sister who I haven’t talked to in 15 years) After telling them that we have a strict limit of 120 guests (who we have already decided on), they then offer to pay the cost per head of the uninvited guests, making us feel cheap for not shelling out the cash in the first place.
They are also fairly opinionated about what we should do in terms of tradition (my mother is adamant that my wedding just wouldn’t be the same without a garter toss). My Fiance and I are not into cheesy traditions like the garter toss, chicken dance, electric slide, etc. Personally, I am a firm believer that wedding guests just want to get fed, drink and dance and not have to sit for 30 minutes while we go through some silly tradition that was concocted in the early 90’s.
Lastly (I promise), we were thinking of having a family style table (a huge rectangle that 15 of our closest family members sit around) in middle of all the round tables. The table will be comprised of my Fiance and I, parents, grandparents, special aunts/uncles, etc. As soon as I mentioned this to my mother, she immediately said she didn’t want to sit there, that she wanted to sit with her boyfriend of 6 months. Are you kidding me?! I understand that he will know only a handful of people but in all honesty, I don’t care. I know it sounds terrible but he is the least of my worries with all the planning/prep going on.
Am I in the wrong here? It is our special day and our money. I don’t understand why family thinks they have the right to dictate how our wedding should go and what it should and should not contain. And I know it’s just as easy to tell them to butt out but I also don’t want feelings to get hurt. Please tell me how I should approach this delicate situation.
Post # 3
Oh lady *HUG*
People are weird about weddings. Really werid about weddings. I told my mother I wasn’t having dancing at all and she said “But your father will be DEVASTED to not have a father-daughter dance” so I turned to my dad and said “really” and he said “Do I get to walk you down the aisle? yes? good, my job is done”
Just remind your mother as GENTLY as possible that she has been in your life for your ENTIRE life and so has that big table full of family. Her boyfriend is new to your life, and you’re happy he will be attending the wedding, but really on your wedding day you need to be surrounded by your family.
Post # 4
I agree with everything that you want and don’t find anything unreasonable about it. People just seem to have these ideas in their heads that they can’t/won’t shake off when it comes to weddings. I don’t personally understand all of the drama that surrounds these events or the way that it turns people into lunatics.
Hope you are able to resolve things.
Post # 5
We paid for our wedding too, and I was waiting for it to be WWIII with my mother, but surprisingly, she was all for everything that we wanted to do or not do, and I loved being able to do some of the same Polish traditions that my family have done for generations. So, we didn’t fight at all about the wedding, which shocked me.
I’m sorry your mom is acting this way, but I really think you need to put your foot down, and remind her whose wedding this is. You are already at the max for guests, so no more will be added, under any circumstances. Again, this is your wedding, so you feel these traditions are not needed for YOUR wedding, and you are your FH, you know whose wedding it ACTUALLY is, have decided against it. As for seating, then tell her that if she would like to sit with her bf, then so be it, but she will miss out on special family bonding time at the family table. Possibly remind her that wedding pics are forever, so keep that in mind as well.
I was pissed cuz a friend of mine literally snuck his flavor of the week in after the reception was well underway, and now that skank is in like 20 of my pics, cuz she just so happened to be wearing one of the colors, so the photogs thought she was sposed to be there! Ugh, I was, and still am, pissed, and bring it up to him to bust his balls, and will continue to do so. People just really don’ think about their actions,a nd the way they will shape the day
Post # 6
I love all your ideas. They don’t have a right to dictate how you spend your money or create your day.
Maybe your mom is just trying to make your day perfect – what is perfect in her mind. Times have changed and weddings have changed dramatically. Maybe she just doesn’t understand this? I think other generations have this odd conception of what a wedding entails. SO and I aren’t doing the garter toss or bouquet toss or other “traditions”. They just have no meaning to us. I don’t want to feel like I am on a wedding conveyor belt – just checking off the traditions.Things like this I just wouldnt share with anyone prior to the wedding. This might halt some of the pre-wedding planning stress. And the day of, most probably won’t notice. As a guest, weddings always end up being a blur to me because your so busy catching up with people.
I don’t know. Not wanting to sit at the family table seems a little nutty.
Personally, I would put my foot down about the guest list. You chose the people you want to share the day with. Having people there that you haven’t seen in 20 years is odd to me. If it will start WWIII, then maybe let one or two additions slide – on a case by case basis.
I don’t understand why some family members start so much drama over weddings. It’s really about the bride and the groom sharing the day.
Fiance and I are paying for our wedding too. Luckily we havent had interfering family member drama. Instead we have the polar opposite. FI’s family is amazing. Mine is a mess. I only have my dad left. He has no interest. It’s mostly because of my step-mother. I don’t know what is worse – to much interest or none at all. I try to let it roll off my back, but this stuff can really get to you.
Post # 7
@MrsSl82be: Thanks so much for the great advice. I am going to put my foot down and tell her that she is more than welcome to sit with her bf. However, she’s going to have to answer the questions about why she’s not sitting with the family. You are right that people don’t always think about their actions and can be very selfish at times. I just don’t understand it. And OMG about about your situation! I hope you at least got some great pics without the the skank (lol).
Post # 8
I agree with you and everyone else… It’s YOUR wedding not theirs. That was a very hard concept for my mom to understand for awhile. My Fiance and I were planning on paying for everything ourselves, and had set aside a specific budget. When it came time to go look at venues and select caterers, my mom offered to pay for some, and then my dad said that they would pay for the venue and catering, but we had to pay for everything else. I didn’t want to accept at first because I knew that them paying would mean it would end up being what THEY wanted and not my Fiance and I. Boyyyy was I right! Every venue I selected was “too expensive” or “not right for the amount of money they are charging” or “too far,” “not in a good area” blah blah blah. None of the food was good enough.. and they started telling me opeople they wanted us to invite from their work/physical therapy/random people we don’t even know.
I finally had to put my foot down and tell my parents that, while I GREATLY appreciate the offer to help pay for our wedding, I couldn’t take it because it was putting too much stress on us to make decisions. After a long argument and my mom calling me ungrateful a couple of times, I think she finally got it. She didn’t have a big wedding, and wanted it to be perfect for me. So she was trying to do things that SHE thought were perfect, instead of considering our thoughts and feelings about the topic.
My Maid/Matron of Honor is letting her mom and Fiance plan her wedding next year because she “doesn’t care.” However, their guest list is spiraling out of control at over 300 guests as it is, and apparently people are still missing?! I don’t get it. Her mom seems to think that they can have a DIY wedding of that size for under $5k.. and it’s just not possible. If they do it, I will be AMAZED. She is already getting overwhelmed and they haven’t even picked a date yet!
Long story short. Your day. Your decisions. Your family needs to understand that.
Post # 9
@ericanicole234: Agree 100%! And I think that’s even more prevalent when the bride and groom are fitting most/all of the bill. I am so glad that I am not alone on this one. Peraonally, I am not really one to put my two sense where it doesn’t belong (usually :-p) so I don’t understand the constant need to pick apart someone else’s special day. But that’s just me haha. Thank you for making me feel all little less crazy 🙂 I hope your big day goes well! Next month!