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Are you hurt because you weren't included in the bulk of the planning? or hurt because you could not afford to do what they are doing? As far as I'm concerned you got the important stuff, the dress, preacher, flowers and decorations. The venue is just a place to eat and talk. I would talk to your daughter and tell her you want to be included. Even if it is just to see what they are planning. As for how the parents are relaying there information I think its probably normal. My FIL is just waiting for me to tell him what to pay for. My mom hasn't called him to ask for anything. But when it comes time for the food I will end up talking to him. You might end up having to choose your battle and just suck it up.
I think you'll just have to bite your tongue when it comes to the planning. If anyone gets to plan (other than the bride, of course) it's the person who's got the most money invested. Personally, I would flip if someone tried to plan my wedding tother than me, but that's probably not a common reaction.
Normally the person putting up the most money gets the most say in planning. Sorry, that's to be expected.
Just try to be happy that your daughter is getting a lovely wedding and don't make it about your feelings. It really doesn't matter who is paying for what anyway.
The only reason this situation is different than the more traditional one is because your child is the bride- and its the bride that normally plan with the mom.
I do think you need to ackowledge you have more of a back seat in this wedding when it comes to planning. However, I do think you could be more involved with the process, just not the final decision.
Tell your daughter. Not to add stress, but say something calmly and nicely. That you are so happy she is getting the wedding she wants, but would love to help out some more. Maybe ask your daughter over and help her with any projects? I am sure she could use help. What are the favors? Other decorations? Even if its searching online for the best necklace or bridesmaids gifts will get you more involved. Help her do a trial run on her makeup. Be creative
Also, more flies with sugar than vinegar. Call the in laws. Tell them you are so grateful that they are able to help them get the wedding they deserve and want. Tell FMIL that her assistance has helped your daughter immensely. But, as a mom you were hoping she would understand the plight of a MOB and you would like to help in some way.
My FMIL really wanted to be involved. She planned the rehearsal dinner like it was a mini wedding with place cards. Supreme care went into he menu, set up, invitations etc. I also asked her to arrange transportation and the room block. The responsibility made her feel important.
I also sent her emails with decisions I made and even asked her question I honestly didnt care about her answer, but to make her feel involved.
Thank you to all who shared your comments - It's exactly what I needed and they were all greatly appreciated. I have been able to reevaluate how I feel and why and am able to deal with it better.
All your responses were perfect.
Thank you! 
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I'm the MOB and I'm not sure how to handle my role. We told our daughter we could give her a $3,000 budget for her wedding and anything more they would have to figure out what to do. So they (or rather the FI) went to his parents and they told him "don't worry about anything, whatever you want we'll take care of". I have no problem with that, except they have taken over the bulk of the planning of the wedding.
The FMIL seems real nice and I think she would feel bad if she knew how awful I felt, but I feel as though I've been relagated to the sidelines over planning the wedding.
I know this board is more for the brides and their issues but if there are any MOB/MOG out there that could share their experiences, I would be very grateful.
The in-laws looked for and found the wedding location that they liked, comes all-inclusive (wedding/reception/catered buffet sit-down dinner-chairs etc). They also found the restaurant for the rehearsal dinner - took my daughter and FI there to eat and they liked it. So the FIL tells my daughter to call me and tell me that since they are paying for the wedding location, I should pay for the rehearsal dinner (which btw, I had planned on doing because of their generousity). But it put my daughter in an awkward position and why could they not have just called me and talked to me about it? It's as though they are the ones in charge and I need to just fall into place.
They are providing the hotel room for the wedding night, and the transportation and several of the decorations that they would like to see at the wedding.
My husband and I have paid for the dress (daughter bought her own shoes, MOH paid for the veil as a gift). We've also paid for the invitations, flowers, decorations (as my daughter wants - w/e the in-laws want will be melded in). We're also paying for the Cake, Photographer and Preacher (who is coming in from out-of-state)
I don't know how to talk to these people because they know we cannot compete with them financially and goodness knows I don't want them to say, "well we'll split the bill" because then I'll definitely be overbudget.
Do I just sit down, shut up and keep my feelings to myself? I think my daughter knows I'm hurt but I don't want this to be a blight on her wedding.
The FIL only have the one son, no daughters and I understand that they want the best for him - but it feels that because they run in higher social circles they should be doing what they want.
Please tell me I'm being overdramatic and to just get over it. That is probably going to be best. I know noone can make you feel bad unless you allow them, I just don't know how to block my feelings off.
Thank you