I’m currently going through this same process with my Future Mother-In-Law. She has called my fiance to tell him that she feels left out. In fact, she has asked me to dinner tonight to try and “make up.” So, I can give you some prespective from the other side.
I tried to include my Future Mother-In-Law upfront. She gave me the impression pretty quickly that the decisions I was making were not what she would have done and was not shy to tell me her opinion. Eventually, it became exhausting becasue she was not the only one who had an opinion. My fiance and I just started making plans together, based on how we wanted things and stopped asking EVERYONE for opinions.
When his mother would ask how things are going, or when we would have dinner with her, we would fill her in on the progress and I thought that was fine. She then exploded in tears about how we’ve left her out and its not fair. She really wanted to help plan. and If she is helping pay then she should get to help plan.
I thought this was extremely selfish. it is OUR wedding. And she had offered to help pay before any planning had started. I didn’t realize her gift to help pay was contingent upon her help planning. I do very much appreciate her offer to help, and on some occassion have taken her advice. But, we wanted to make sure our wedding turned out the way we wanted it and without being bullied into decisions.
For example, up front we asked them to help with the guest list. Now, my Fiance’s parents are divorced. So, his mom, his dad/stepmom, and my parents all offered to give us money. Up front, my parents and his dad/stepmom wrote a check and handed it over. His mother had said she would do the same. But, didn’t get around to it. When it came time to make the guest list, my Fiance and I sat down and made one and then took it to our parents and asked if there was anyone super important we had forgot. We thought we’d do this courtesy since they did give us money. The restrictions were immediate family, no kids, and very close friends. We didn’t want a wedding over 100 people. His mother had then bullied us into extended family AND children and now are at a guest list of 175. We took the guest list to our parents because we felt guilt of – “I offered to give you money and I want my monies worth.” From that day forward – it was easier to exclude her and just keep her in the loop on a need to know basis.
Now, I’m not saying you have been doing these same things to your FDIL but, she could be getting this kind of behavior from her own parents. or friends. who knows. when it comes to weddings, opinions start running crazy and a bride can become overwhelmed. It becomes easier to just do things alone and when you find something specific you need help with, you reach out to the closest person. In my case, I’ve done almost everything exclusively with my Fiance. I haven’t left everyone else out to make them feel bad. I’ve left them out because its easeir to make decisions without too many people voicing an opinion and confusing you.