Post # 1
My younger sister (by 6 years) got engaged 4 months after me and is now getting married 6 months before me. I’m annoyed at this anyways as neither of us have ever been married before and I waited for this for so long and I feel like it didn’t even occur to her to wait.
What makes it worse is that my parents are paying for her wedding yet have not said a word to me about helping me with mine. I feel like I’m being punished because I’m older (29) and successful. I haven’t asked them because I felt like they should have offered by now… but it bothers me more and more each day and I’m not sure how to proceed. I am happy for her, but I also felt like I had to ask her to be a bridesmaid and even that makes me feel like it cheapened my experience. My other bridesmaids are over the top excited and supportive and helpful, whereas her level of enthusiasm is lacking as she has her own wedding to plan, she doesn’t have time to focus on me at all.
I also wonder since she is getting married before me and probably inviting everyone since my parents are paying for it… guests will probably tap out their reserves as far as gifts, etc. I know it sounds rude to say, but since my fiance and I are paying for our wedding entirely by ourselves we are forced to have a small destination wedding (40 people) and doing some sort of cash registry if anything at all. I just seriously feel like because I waited to find the right guy, because I have a good job and support myself, that now I am being treated like the forgotten daughter. I’ve always been independant, but it’s just really frustrating that my family is being so clueless.
Post # 3
I think you should talk to your parents. Seriously, its not good to let this kind of stuff stew. I think you are right to be mad – it’s not fair – maybe they think you don’t need or want help? Good luck
Post # 4
TBH I think you will be much better off if you stop keeping score. While it’s not exactly fair, if you can afford a wedding and your sister can’t, I can see why your parents are helping her out. However, if you think this will really impact your family relationships, I think you should talk to your parents and let them offer to help you or explain their reasoning.
Post # 5
While I understand how it feels, I think you should talk to your parents about this, just so you can have an idea of where they’re coming from. I think you should also try to stop thinking of it as being punished for being older and successful. It’s not a competition. The fact that a younger sibling gets more resources probably means she’s a little more of a screwball and needs more help from the parents. This type of thing used to bother me, but not so much anymore. I would rather my parent’s resources go to my younger brother than to me because I know I’ll be fine on my own.
Post # 6
This kind of reminds me of something my older sister and I are going through now…
She’s in grad school and I’m in law school. Her program offers generous stipends and she and most of her fellow students are being paid to go there. My law school offers no stipends and is very stingy with scholarship money. My parents are footing the bill for my second and third year of law school and when my sister found out, she freaked out and told them it wasn’t fair that they were “giving me” 30,000 dollars and they should give her that amount too. Even though she doesn’t need it. Had she chosen to go to law school, they would have paid for her too and she said they were “punishing her” for choosing a different program and being financially responsible. Because she pitched a fit, they’re now giving her a ton of money to help her buy a house. That bothered me a little. Now I feel like I’m being punished for choosing law school over a program that would pay me to go to school…and so it goes.
I see some similarities here, though I think you’re more jusitfied than she is. You’re 29, your sister is 6 years younger (23). That’s a huge gap in terms of financial independence. While I do think your parents should be helping you out, I can understand if it’s not the same amount. They might be giving out money in terms of what they think y’all need. Think about what your sister would have to sacrafice to have the same wedding you’re having and pay for it herself. I know you have to sacrafice too, but hers would probably end up in a monstrous amount of debt or a courthouse ceremony. Unless they’re giving her a much more elaborate ceremony than yours. Then yeah, you definately need to have a talk with them.
But I agree with the posters about not “keeping score.” I know it’s hard though.
Post # 7
Is it possible that your sister asked for help? They may be waiting for you to ask. I’m older, too, and my parents put up the money for our wedding, but only after I said something to them about how Fiance were trying to figure out how to pay for it (not even asking – just expressing a frustration – as it hadn’t occurred to me that they’d help me since I’m older and have a good career), and my Mom said she had been waiting for me to ask. They’re not putting up lots and lots of money or anything. Our wedding total budget is something like 1/4 of the average wedding budget, but it’s enough for us to do what is important to us.
I think you should ask them for help.
Post # 8
Talk to your parents. Just be honest.
Post # 9
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
I don’t think it’s fair to be waiting for your parents to offer. You shouldn’t be mad at someone for not doing something you never asked them to do. They see you as successful, and since you haven’t asked for help, they are reasonably assuming that you don’t need help (or you would ask… I mean, you’re 29, old enough to ask for the things you need and want.). I’d talk to them about picking up some traditional parent expenses, maybe the ceremony, or your dress, etc.
Post # 10
I would also talk to them and I wouldn’t be upset if they gave you less than they’re giving your sister if she’s just not at the point in her life yet where she has the finincial resourses you do. I agree with the pp who said unless they’re giving her a way more extravagant wedding than you will have it’s not totally unfair.
As soon as my relationship turned serious my dad made a point of saying parents don’t pay for weddings anymore (stats are that 70% of couples pay for it themselves) and that he won’t be paying for a wedding. He paid for my (half)sister’s wedding, his step-daughter, but won’t pay for mine. I’m hoping he’ll come around and help out once he sees we’re working and struggling to put it together ourselves, I think he felt taken advantage of last time.
Post # 11
My husband and I were just talking about this. We have both always been the financially secure siblings of the group. Our sisters get free cars, bills paid when they need it, etc, etc. BUT, mainly because they ask and take.
When we got married last year, I asked my parents to cover the rehearsal dinner and they happily obliged. They didn’t offer do pay for ANYTHING else, nor did we ask.
I would also adivse to stop keeping score. Just ask your parents if they are willing to help out with your wedding and be up front with them. Do not let these things fester! Also, your sister is probably too young to think about things like, “Oh, maybe I should let my older sister get married first.” I guess technically she doesn’t have, too and didn’t do it on purpose or anything, so try to get over that, too. Best of luck and six months is hopefully far enough away that you two both still get gifts from everyone!!
Post # 12
I’m definitely in the minority here, but I wouldn’t be upset with your parents. My parents have always treated my brother and I separately in terms of helping us out financially, especially since we’re four years apart in age. My brother is successful and has worked hard to get where he is. He recognizes that my husband and I are both still in school and starting a family and doesn’t have a problem with our parents helping us out more than they help him out. In fact, when they do try to give him money, he doesn’t bother ever cashing the checks. He knows he’s fine financially and takes pride in paying his own way for everything– house, multiple cars, investments, etc. I have no doubt he’ll pay for his own wedding, even if my parents offer. My parents are well-off, so it’s not a “protecting them” thing.
If the roles were reversed between my brother and I, I would be happy for him that they were helping him out. It would also make me feel proud of myself for being able to lessen any burden on my parents by being financially stable. I would never expect them to give me equal amounts as they were doing for my younger sibling, especially if I had a good job.
You and your Fiance should be proud of yourselves for hosting a wedding that you can afford. You’re starting a life together, and the experience of budgeting for a wedding and standing completely on your own two feet will serve you well as you progress!
The other thing I thought of when reading your post is that maybe they’re planning on giving you money as a wedding gift– like for a downpayment on a house.
Like I said before, this is just my opinion/just how I was raised. I don’t want any of it to come across as mean or judgemental, just my opinion.
Post # 13
If you are old enough to get married then you are old enough to pay for your own wedding. There is no law that says your parents have to help you or your sister out for getting married. More than likely they feel that you are able to pay for it yourself. Stop making this a competition with your sister.
Post # 14
I would also talk to your parents 🙂 On top of that, I don’t think you can hold it against your sister for having a shorter engagement… I’m a big supporter of short engagements… I realize your circumstances likely dictated the timing of your wedding – And I realize that it’s hard because you probably always thought you’d be married before your sister… But I don’t think it’s wrong of her to plan her wedding sooner… And I think 6 months is far enough away from yours that it won’t steal attention, etc…
And I think most people budget for things like gifts – So, they wouldn’t spend their whole budget on gifts for her and 6 months later have no money still for gifts for you… At least, personally, my Darling Husband and I have a “gifts” section to our budget that we are constantly adding to as we anticipate birthdays, showers, weddings, holidays, etc… So I don’t think people will “tap out their reserves” on her