(Closed) Parents paying = Parents controlling!?!

posted 5 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
581 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

She’s paying so she gets to state her opinions and may overrule you on some things, but at the end of the day it’s about the two of you getting married, not hosting a big party! 

Maybe show her your venue ideas?   Maybe she will fall in love with the venue and agree to cut back the guest list.  once you book the venue, there’s no going back without forking over the deposit.  Suggest a post-wedding party at her house where she can invite her friends?

Post # 5
Member
3485 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

You’re getting married– she’s hosting the party.  Unfortunately, if they are footing the entire bill, I don’t think you’ve got a whole lot of traction here.  

When it comes to the ceremony & the actually getting married part, I would push the issue when you disagree, but as far as the party afterwards, unless you’re prepared to do it without her, I think she should have a fair amount of say– especially since she’s not asking you to compromise what you want out of it, she’s just adding what she wants too.  

Post # 6
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

If they’re paying, frankly they have the right to do whatever they want. I’m sorry your parents are acting that way (my parents are paying 100% and have made absolutely zero demands, have a beyond resonable guest list just with family friends I know and would want to invite anyway, and have veto power that my mom has not used once yet, other than saying she thinks bright colored nails are tacky for weddings lol). But if they’re paying they can do whatever they want. You can choose which is worse for you…having not the wedding you want with their money or maybe having a smaller less expensive wedding that you pay for but you have the final say in everything…

Post # 7
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I’m sorry, but they sign the checks, if they don’t like something you like and won’t sign the check….then I guess you’re out of luck.

Post # 8
Member
2134 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I had this war with my family-the exact same situation. My mother’s parents planned her wedding, picked her guests, dj, invites, everything…..so, she thought she’d have control of mine. She should have known better…Very flat out, I told her that it was her mistake to let her parents plan her big day, and that FI and I have specific desires for our day, and we will not compromise. Shoud she decide that now she and my father aren’t paying, so be it. I told her if she wants to pay for the wedding because she loves us and wants to help her daughter and son in law, then that doesn’t automatically give her free reign over OUR biggest day. We decided we only want close friends and family, and that still totals about 100 people. She and my dad are still contributing as much as they planned, and she understands now…Have you spoken up to your mom? Explain to her what your ideal wedding is, what it means to  you, and ask her if she really wants you to compromise what you and your FI want….for her. It’s an ugly conversation, but you need to stick up for yourself!

Post # 9
Member
10369 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think it’s bullsh!t, though it seems to be really common. Your parents already had a wedding. This isn’t their wedding. Parents giving money should be a gift, not a domination of power. It’s just really unfortunate that it seems to work out that way more often than not!

Post # 10
Member
5481 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Money comes with strings (usually) and unfortunately, (s)he who pays, says. 

Post # 11
Member
10369 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@WhatMaeBee:  100000% agree with you. Good for you!!!

Post # 12
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I’m also in the camp saying, they are the host so they get some say. Be sure to pick your battles, if she wants/doesn’t want something that is really imporant to you stand up. In this case, since the extra people has no bearing on your personal guest list, I wouldn’t complain. 

Post # 13
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If they are paying for the wedding, they get some say in the guest list, unfortunately.  They may want to control some other things too.  Just to warn you ahead of time.

Post # 14
Member
2134 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@AnnieAAA:  I felt like extra people that I don’t know, who don’t know me or FI, takes away from the genuine fun and intimacy of a wedding. Personally, I felt like inviting people I don’t know would make me uncomfortable. 

Post # 15
Member
2623 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Trust me. You will not notice lots of people you know that day. You will be in your little bubble of happiness. I dont really remember some people that I talked to. If you dont really know them, you wont even notice them.

Post # 16
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

My parents paid for the wedding (FI’s parents also helped out) but I had a few power struggles with my mom over a few things.  My parents also wanted to invite people that I did not know– and they did invite them because it would make it a “big party”… It was uncomfortable for me when me and my hubs went to greet everyone at their tables and people would introduce themselves to me. I only wanted people I knew at my wedding. My parents insisted that they get to invite who they want as they were paying. Another conflict we had was about hors de voures. I had chosen definitely enough (coordinator agreed) but my mom wanted to add many more. I told her I would rather put that extra money someplace else (lighting) but she insisted in having extra hors de voures. Ultimately, we got more, and I got the lighting that I wanted.

I understand that I needed to make compromises as they were paying for the wedding, and I love how my wedding turned out. Just don’t let them have too much control. Your guest list comes first. You get to pick the food choices. You get to pick band/dj. YOU GET TO PICK VENUE!

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