Parents! Please help answer some questions about parenting styles.

posted 3 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@leisha606:  It’s great that you two are discussing these issues now because it can be difficult to blend parenting styles.  Here are my personal answers based on my childhood, personal experience, job with a child welfare agency, and personal preferences as a parent.

1. Do you leave your 1 year old (actually 17 month old child) alone in a room to play by themselves while you take a nap in your bedroom? I personally would not leave a 17 month alone for more than a few minutes at a time because children under the age of 3 tend to get into things they aren’t supposed to and it can take less than a minute for something bad to happen.  This is exactly why moms will tell you to nap when your child is napping.

2. Baby sitting. Most of your child’s caregivers are going to be family members or trusted friends.  It’s a good idea not to take advantage of them if you aren’t paying them.  As far as hiring an official babysitter, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with a complete stranger watching my baby until my child is old enough to tattle on them.  Definitely have a plan in place for childcare before TTC because daycare and nannies get expensive and you may have to rely on the goodness of family and friends to watch your kid for free from time to time.

3. Do you leave them with family for extended stays? I am an only child and I vividly remember my parents leaving me for a two week vacation when I was two.  Unless it was totally unavoidable and only a finite period of time, not a permanent or longterm situation, I don’t like the idea of my child basically living with another family member for more than a week or two.

4. how often do you go out? Nothing wrong with a date night once a week.  More than a night or two per week consistently week after week seems like you’re intentionally shirking your parental duties imo.

5. Drinking after bed time. It’s not a problem unless it’s interferring with your ability to keep your child safe or go to work in the morning (be that at a regular paying job or as a stay at home parent which is also a job.)  And yes, calling an ambulance for help if you’re too drunk to drive is okay because emergencies happen.  There is a difference between a few drinks and being drunk and passing out from inebriation.

Post # 4
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee

@leisha606:  

1. I would never leave my toddler alone while I napped. That’s just irresponsible and dangerous in my eyes. What if something were to happen to the child? Say he/she choked on a piece of a toy, or climbed on furniture and it fell on him/her. Nope, not at all worth the risk.

2. If you are a working parent then you are absolutely going to need babysitting and who else better fit for the job than family and friends that know the child (so long as they don’t pose a risk to the health and safety of the child). Getting a babysitter is inevitable if you are going to work/school.

3. I personally couldn’t leave my children with family for that long. I am extremely paranoid and don’t really trust others when it comes to my children. But each to their own, people do what they have to.

4. I only go out about once every 2-3 months. I would like to go out more often but do not have a reliable babysitter.

5. My bf doesn’t drink and since I don’t like drinking alone I don’t anymore either, but I knew people who would have a glass of wine or two after their kids went to bed. They never got wasted or anything but still wouldn’t be able to drive. (although some would, not very smart in my opinion).

Everyone has their own parenting styles and ways of dealing with things. I say that as long as the child is not being put in harms way then no one has the right to judge. No one is a perfect parent and people obviously make different choices.

Post # 5
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@leisha606:  For reference I have a 13 month old daughter.

1) Absolutely NOT! never, no way, no how. That is way too young: Even age-appropriate toys can break and present a choking hazard. What if a fire broke out. What if child fell and hit their head. I could probably go on & on…

2) I’m with you on the babysitting. If she knows and trusts them and they are good with kids I think it’s totally okay to use friends & family. I don’t understand what is meant by “not legit babysitters”. Is it that they don’t have a babysitting certificate?

3) Never! Personally I find this shocking. 1.5 months away at 17 months of age (or younger) would be cruel to myself, DH & DD. I could never do this but then again I was never apart from DD for more that a couple of hours until this week when I returned to work from mat leave. However, I understand that this can be the norm for certain cultures where the raising of children is often distributed amongst family members.

4) Tbh, I’m probably not the doing the best in this category. We do not go out much anymore at all. We went for dinner for my birthday when DD was almost 2 months old and she stayed with my parents but that’s it :-/ I would say that maybe once or twice a month would probably be “healthier” for us all. But knowing that & doing it are very different things. I agree parents need a break, it would probably make me a better parent.

5) I occasionally have a few glasses of wine but DH hardly ever drinks and when he does it’s maybe one beer or one drink so he would always be under the legal limit. Out of curiosity, did you mean to say “a couple of bottles of wine” or “a couple bottles of beer and/or a couple of bottles of wine”. Because along with a big meal, a couple of small bottles of wine would be okay once in a while (it’s only 3 glasses in each) but almost nightly seems excessive. But I do look forward to that glass myself so maybe I’m not the best judge 😉

Post # 6
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I won’t be a parent for another 8 weeks or so, so I can’t comment on what I will do.  What I will say is, sometimes you have to do what you have to do to survive.  None of what you’ve written sounds like a huge red flag of neglect or abuse.  Maybe not always the most responsible decisions or the one’s I would prefer, but the children don’t seem to be in any real danger. Being a parent is tough work, sometimes it’s all about survival and you need to weigh the risks and benefits of certain things and pick which one is best for you and your family (which will vary a lot from family to family).

Post # 7
Member
2189 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I have a 3 1/2 year old and a baby on the way. I will say that my ideas of what I would and wouldn’t do have changed once having kids, so even if you and SO disagree things change SO much once you have a baby/toddler.

1. I wouldn’t do this, Babies/toddlers have this special gift of finding the one non-baby safe thing in the room to play with. I would however leave them in a “safe” gated room while I did dishes/ something 20mins or less within earshot.

2. I have had different friends help me with my son? lol not like neighbors or strangers. But I’ve have different college friends babysit while I ran to the store/etc.

3. My three year old stays weekends at Grannys once in awhile. Usually it’s just one night (he loves it). He’s also spent the night with my best friend and her two babies once. (for my birthday so I could go drink! shes the best ever.)
However I can’t imagine a month! that seems like such a long time.

4. That depends on each couple, we “go out” (movie and dinner usually), every other weekend. Our time is important to us. However we don’t usually drink and often pick up our son that night.

5. I think that’s fine, I mean having a house party or getting crazy wasted is a bad idea. Getting a little buzzed/drunk I think is fine. I don’t do it because It makes me really paranoid and I don’t enjoy myself.

Post # 8
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2014

1. Do you leave your 1 year old (actually 17 month old child) alone in a room to play by themselves while you take a nap in your bedroom?  The only time I would nap is when my son was napping, I would never leave him alone in a room to play while I would nap.  It would be like I wasn’t even home.  Nope, not gonna happen.

2.  The babysitting issue:  I work full time, share custody of my son with his father so have him half the week.  He goes to school full day and then to daycare after because we both have to work 40+ hours a week.  The only babysitters we use are family.  I think only a couple of times have I left my son with friends and it was only for a couple hours.  He is almost 6 and I am still very protective of him.

3. With family for extended stays?  No, since he is with me half the week and his father half the week, I could never imagine sending him for long.  The only way I would do this is if his father happened to have something going on when we decide to take our honeymoon and needed additional help from my parents or his.  But would never be able to send him anywhere for more than a few days.

4. Going out?  During football season, I do go out almost every sunday because my team is not on tv, so I have to go to a local bar/restaurant to watch them.  But, my son is with his father so it doesn’t interrupt our schedule.  Other than that, I am a total homebody and much prefer it that way!

5. Drinking after bed time?  Once in a while absolutely.  Tonight will be one of those nights when we sit down and go through all the wedding stuff.  Everyone needs to unwind once in a while.  Just because you have a child, doesn’t mean you can’t do anything 🙂

Everyone is different and parents differently.  No one is perfect!  Good luck

Post # 9
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2014

1. Do you leave your 1 year old (actually 17 month old child) alone in a room to play by themselves while you take a nap in your bedroom?  The only time I would nap is when my son was napping, I would never leave him alone in a room to play while I would nap.  It would be like I wasn’t even home.  Nope, not gonna happen.

2.  The babysitting issue:  I work full time, share custody of my son with his father so have him half the week.  He goes to school full day and then to daycare after because we both have to work 40+ hours a week.  The only babysitters we use are family.  I think only a couple of times have I left my son with friends and it was only for a couple hours.  He is almost 6 and I am still very protective of him.

3. With family for extended stays?  No, since he is with me half the week and his father half the week, I could never imagine sending him for long.  The only way I would do this is if his father happened to have something going on when we decide to take our honeymoon and needed additional help from my parents or his.  But would never be able to send him anywhere for more than a few days.

4. Going out?  During football season, I do go out almost every sunday because my team is not on tv, so I have to go to a local bar/restaurant to watch them.  But, my son is with his father so it doesn’t interrupt our schedule.  Other than that, I am a total homebody and much prefer it that way!

5. Drinking after bed time?  Once in a while absolutely.  Tonight will be one of those nights when we sit down and go through all the wedding stuff.  Everyone needs to unwind once in a while.  Just because you have a child, doesn’t mean you can’t do anything 🙂

Everyone is different and parents differently.  No one is perfect! 

Post # 10
Member
939 posts
Busy bee

1. Do you leave your 1 year old (actually 17 month old child) alone in a room to play by themselves while you take a nap in your bedroom?  call me a terrible mother but I would do a modified version of this. my daughter used to wake up at 5 am every morning, so I would get us all set up in the living room and nap on the couch. I wouldn’t go take a nap in another room though, it would make me too nervous. she usually woke me up every 15 minutes or so anyways. this would make me nervous, and if my SO was doing it I would not be super happy. 

2. Baby sitting. I only had friends and family babysit until my daughter was 3, I didn’t go out often and I frankly couldn’t afford to pay someone! I also wouldn’t have felt comfortable with a random person watching my baby in my house. 

3. Do you leave them with family for extended stays? I left my daughter for a week right after she turned two, it was really hard. I don’t think I could do this, but I also don’t think having your child stay with a loving family member for a month is a bad thing.

4. how often do you go out? more than once a week seems excessive, but that’s just me. If you have the money and can hire a sitter every night after the baby is in bed it’s not really affecting them at all. 

5. Drinking after bed time. nothing wrong with this, honestly it wasn’t a regular thing but after my daughter started sleeping throught the night it was sometimes nice to get a little tipsy at home! I was too tired to drink regularly but I know plenty of good parents who enjoy a few after the kids go to bed. as long as you aren’t getting pass out drunk no judgement from me

Post # 11
Member
7929 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

@leisha606:  

1. Do you leave your 1 year old (actually 17 month old child) alone in a room to play by themselves while you take a nap in your bedroom? I don’t think it’s unreasonable to leave the kids if the room is truly safe (furniture is secured to walls, etc.). My daughter is 1 and I’ll leave her in her room while I go to the bathroom or run down for laundry… things like that, but I haven’t left her alone for long yet. Sometimes, she plays in a room around the corner where I can’t see her the entire time, but I can hear her and she’s just crawling out of sight every now and then. In 5 months (when she is 17 months), I’d imagine it wouldn’t be so bad to leave her to play by herself in a safe environment for a bit, but I don’t know if I personally would feel comfortable taking a nap.

2. Babysitting. I’d rather leave my kid with friends and family with no training than with a trained stranger. We’ve never left our baby with non-family.

3. Do you leave them with family for extended stays? Middle class Americans tend not to do this, but it’s quite common in other cultures. There’s actually a good bit about it in Bringing up Bebe. I would have a hard time doing this for me, not for her. She’d probably be fine as long as she had finished weening.

4. How often do you go out? Not enough. Family is 3 hours away and we recently moved here so we don’t have many friends yet. I’d be willing to go out any and every evening if our schedule permitted and family or a close friend was here with her. I cant imagine that more than 2 times a week would not be asking too much of others though. Once she’s asleep (at 6:30 after all), what does it really matter? She’s sleeping until 7am or so and there would be someone here in case she needed something.

5. Drinking after bed time. Okay, there is nothing wrong with this as long as one parent is sober enough to change a wet baby safely and to call 911 if there is an emergency. Ideally, one parent would be able to drive–that’s our rule at least. A glass or two of wine should be no problem.

 

Post # 12
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I have a 7 year old and 6 month old 🙂

1.  No.  I would doze off on the couch, though, just like @Moonbear17.  Otherwise, I nap when they nap.

2.  We have family members babysit the baby.  If I knew of a trustworthy teenager, I would use one.

3.  Now for this one…DS stayed with my ex inlaws while I went on a trip.  It was for 3 nights.  Then he stayed with my parents for 4 nights when DH and I went on our honeymoon.  Otherwise, it’s just an overnight sleepover with a cousin or something.  The baby is too small for overnight visits just yet. 

4.  LOVE date night!  We go one or two nights a month, always when my 7 year old is with his father for the weekend so we only have to find a sitter for the baby.

5.  Yes, we may have drinks at night.  If one of us wants more than the other then the other parent won’t drink in case the baby wakes up or an emergency.

Post # 13
Member
2869 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

1. No, I wouldn’t do that. I mean you can’t keep your kids in your sight 24/7 but going into the next room to wash clothes is different than sleeping. 

2. I think most people use friends and family as baby sitters, totally normal. 

3. My son spends the night at my moms house all the time, but not for a week or month. No way, I’m his mom he is my child and my responsibility. Plus I’d miss him way too much. 

4. Going out is something I don’t judge. If your child is a good sleeper then they probably go to bed at 7 or 8 pm. So what’s the harm in having someone come hang out on your couch while they sleep so you can go out? I used to do this often back when j was a SAHM, he had no clue we had even left bc he was sound asleep by 7 pm! 

5. Again another thing I don’t judge. One 4th of July I had been drinking and heard my son scream. Adrenaline kicked in and it disn’t matter I had drank 4 beers, I was on it in 2 seconds and could have done anything that would be required if me. He was fine, he got his foot stuck in a hole but when he screamed I had no idea and snapped to attention immediately. 

it’s always best to not decide what you would or wouldn’t do as a parent until you are one. Until you are you don’t have a clue and things change. 

Post # 14
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@leisha606:  

 

1. Do you leave your 1 year old (actually 17 month old child) alone in a room to play by themselves while you take a nap in your bedroom?  While I nap?  No.  But I let him play “on his own” while I was up and awake- and on the same floor (at the time we lived in an apartment, so it was one floor living anyway)  If you’re asleep, what if your 17 month old climbs onto something and falls and gets knocked out?  What if they fall and hit thier head?  You can go running and get an idea of where they hit and how it happened- which is important.  I’d leave him in a gated room while I ran downstairs (it was a duplex) and grabbed groceries.  Otherwise, no.

2. This one I get, SO does not. Baby sitting. Hello, yes they need babysitters.  Not really sure what your SO doesn’t get about this.  Almost everyone needs a sitter at some point- even if just fo a few minutes.  Young kids need 24 hour care, so yep, sometime you need a little help from someone else.  While there are people who are qualified to watch a younger child, and other people who are not, I don’t know that there are “real babysitters”– anyone who is responsible enough and mature enough can be a babysitter.

3. Do you leave them with family for extended stays? For 1.5 months?  NO.  I would miss my kid way too much to have them gone for that amount of time.  When DS was almost 4, I started working again.  When I moved out from living with his dad, he stayed at my mom’s house often.  I worked at night (I was a server)- and wouldn’t get done until late sometimes….so I couldn’t go wake him up.  A couple times when I would close and then open + work a double- he’s stay there 2 nights in a row.  But I woudln’t have allowed my work schedule to take over more than that.  Also, when he was 4, I did go on a 9 day road trip with my DH.  We weren’t married yet- and we were dating.  It was a trip early in our relationship– and I am not someone who ever went out or traveled.  This was kind of a big deal for me– and I don’t think I would have done it if DS was younger than 4.

4. how often do you go out?  Not often.  There was a small window of time when I getting to know my husband where I went out maybe 3x/week- BUT I was already working at night and getting off of work when DS was already in bed at my mom’s.  So he was already staying there regardless if I went out or went home.  Now that I am married and we are all living together, we really don’t go out much.  Part of it is DH’s work schedule.  The other part of it is: we like to keep DS on a schedule for the most part because he’s in school, and it’s easier to do that when we are all home together.  I think on average we end up “going out” 1x/month.  We do daytime dates though when DS is at school (my husband gets off of work in the early afternoon because he starts super early)

5. Drinking after bed time.  I don’t drink often, but if I wanted to, I would.  If there was a true emergency, we’d call an ambulance regardless.  If it’s an issue that needs medical attention that night- but isn’t a life threatening emergency, we’d call a family member or a cab to drive us.  I was out one night at the bar with a good friend- and had definitely had too much to drive.  DS was staying over at my dad’s house (he was out of town, but DS was staying with my stepmom and younger bro)– and my son wanted to come home.  Granted, this wasn’t an “emergency”, but he was crying super hard.  So I took a cab over there, and then my stempm gave us a ride to our house.    


Post # 16
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

So for everyone that said they wouldn’t leave their kids alone in a room while they slept, do you all co-sleep?  If not, then your child is alone in their room for 8-10 hours every day while you sleep. 

My kids were in toddler beds when they were 12 months old as we co-slept until then and then transitioned them to their own rooms after that. I used a gate as well because we had stairs right outside their room and I didn’t want them to fall down the stairs if they woke up in the middle of the night and tried to come to our room. 

after I went to bed for the night, there was nothing stopping them from getting up and playing. I don’t see any difference with the parents napping if the room is safe. 

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