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Im so sorry to hear that you are in this situtation. I dont have much advice other than to continue trying to talk to your parents. How do his parents feel about the situtation? Is there any way his parents could talk to your parents? That makes me so sad to hear that your family is threatening not to come to your wedding, I really hope things work out. Please keep us posted!
A friend of mine went through something like this, but not so extreme. Her parents had met him, but didn't approve of the marriage.
She pushed a little bit, made it clear she intended to marry him, and eventually her parents came aroud (dad gave her away, everyone had fun at the wedding).
I would go ahead and arrange for him to meet your family- even if you have to show up unanounced at their house. If he is there, they may be less rude. Even if he doesn't get to ask your dad- at least you can always say that you tried.
I've been lucky that my parents approved of my husband. However, if they disapproved for reasons as trivial and irrelevant as the reasons you've given, I would disregard them. I would go ahead with my plans and let my parents know that they would be the ones missing out on the rest of my life- my wedding, my children, all of it. I would hope that they would come around when it became clear I was sticking to my plan.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I'll keep good thoughts that your parents come to their senses.
Bee wrote up the story of how I met her (Korean) parents:
http://www.weddingbee.com/2009/02/18/the-story-of-mr-and-mrs-bee-part-3/
I don't think it would be wise to have him come over unannounced. Maybe he could write a brief and simple letter, explaining his intentions and asking permission... and asking to get together to talk to them, even if they disapprove.
Are you willing to be estranged from your family for a while? If not, things could get very difficult. :-( I was willing to wait up to 10 years, but I think that would've been very hard for Mrs. Bee.
It is a very tough situation... best of luck!!!
Do you have siblings or supportive family members that might be able to step in and speak on your behalf?
Also, can you speak to your parents about their concerns? Are they afraid that him being younger than you means that he's immature? If so, point out all the things that show how he's very mature. As for him being Chinese, maybe you can incorporate some Korean elements into the wedding to honor your culture.
I've dealt with a similar situation so I understand what you're going through. It's not fair for your parents to blackmail you this way so don't let them hold your happiness over your head this way! Be firm and reasonable. Good luck!
MrBee's advice is EXCELLENT. I just wanted to say I am sorry they are putting you through this and I really hope you can resolve the situation and keep everyone's love for each other intact. Please keep us posted!!
Sorry to hear about your solution! Maybe you can find some ways to show your parents that your boyfriend is mature and able to support you? Are you parents unhappy becasue they feel like they cannot connect with a non-Korean as well and therefore has less trust?
In the end I think parents just want to make sure you are marrying someone that really loves you and can always be there for you.
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Thank you, all, for the advice. Let me give some more details:
- S's parents love and adore me. However, they do not know how my parents feel about their son. Between S and I, we don't know how to inform them of this situation.
- I have a brother with whom I am very close with and he has assured me that he will advocate for us. However, my brother is also very close with my parents and I fear that when push comes to shove, it will be extremely difficult for him to "pick sides."
- It's not that S is Chinese that my parents are being this way. It is because he is not white. Yes, white. My parents immigrated to Canada in the early 70's and my dad has not returned back to the motherland since. He, I am sure, experienced a lot of racism as an immigrant and has perhaps developed similar ideas about immigrants/non-"Canadians". Growing up, I was taught that I was ONLY "allowed" to marry a white man. (There's so much more behind all that - I don't want to open another can of worms)
- S and I won't just randomly show up unannounced because my parents would kill us both on the spot. However, we are both prepared to have an estranged relationship with my parents. I am prepared to not have my parents present at my wedding.
- Lastly, S and I both know that at the very, very end of the day, everything will work out. It always does. It's just difficult getting to that point.
Thank you all for your kind words of support - If you think of anything else, PLEASE let me know! I will keep you posted. :o)
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I was just watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding last night, and it made me think of you (in a good way!). I was thinking, you know how Gus is all against it and unhappy...right up until the wedding day. Then he turns to mush and supports them. So maybe just by sticking by you, Mr. S can show your parents that he loves you, is serious about you, and that nothing would keep him away. I like the letter idea. You can't yell back at a letter. Have him send them a letter. Then just keep planning away. As the wedding nears, I'm sure they'll cave. They just need a reality check. Hope it goes well!
Oh peakay,
I am so sorry. It is a very very hard situation. For a long while my family pretended that the FI(then BF) didn't exist or that it was my first relationship so I will get over it. Finally I think they realized that was not going to happen. I was threatened to be kicked out of the family and disowned for dating him. Yup, just dating him. Believe me there were many of days I spent crying after I was on the phone with my family bc I loved them but I loved the FI too and I did not want to give either up. Let's just say there was A LOT of hostility for a while.
But at the end of the day my family loves me and they want me to be happy. And I think your family is the same way too! The best thing for us was that they actually met the FI. Through all this I've been living away from home at school so when the ice had melted a little I would bring him back with me everytime and slowly they came to accept him. And now I am 150% sure they like him and realize how great of a person he is and how great we are for each other. The FI who is white was very adamant about the fact that we could not get married without my family's well wishes. So because of that we dated 8 years before getting engaged. In fact my family ALL knew about the surprise proposal before I did!
Anyway, all I'm trying to say is I know it's really hard but I think if your family truly loves you (which I'm sure they do!) they will come to accept him. The other thing I can suggest is are you guys set on getting engaged right now? Can't you facilitate more meetings between them before him asking for your hand in marraige? Trust me! I have thought "they will kill us on the spot too!". Truly I have!
I wish you the best of luck!!
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I am in the exact situation you are in. My parents wouldn't meet Mr. SoniPapdi either and it took me four months to kind of "give up" and tell my dad that he was coming over one day. My dad refused again to meet him but Mr. SoniPapdi came anyways (I didn't tell Mr. SoniPapdi about the refusal because my dad at point had said that he had no problem meeting my boyfriend at that time). Its all very strange. My dad talked to Mr. SoniPapdi very nicely when he did come over (however tried to leave the house as soon as possible). Later that night, I was told (as I was told prior to Mr. SoniPapdi coming over) that I had to pick the family or him. I told them that I wasn't picking because it was unfair to give an ultimatium like that. The next day, Mr. SoniPapdi proposed to me which made matters worse with the family. I spent 3 months not talking to them. I'm slowly making my way back into the family but my mom still says she's not coming to the wedding as "I do not need her anymore". My dad has settled with he will come if my mom agrees to as well.
So I completely understand your situation. I just advise you not to go the unannouced route as it will definitely make matters worse. However, you can do it like I did and tell them you are coming with Mr. S but tell them in a way that they don't have a chance to escape. I know its bad to manipulate things but sometimes there is no other way. I do like the letter route, but it would not have jived with my parents as they would have said later that "he couldn't have come to meet us first". Its a die if you do and die if you don't situation.
Best of luck!!! My heart is with you. Keep us updated.
Some parents have lifelong expectations of their children and it can blind them in many ways. I'm sorry you have to go through this, it makes me emotional just imagining what kinds of things you have to face. But I agree with you in that everything will be okay at the end.
Persistence is important. Right now, your parents don't trust that S is right for you but persistence will show that even though S is not caucasion, he loves you more than anything and that has to count for a lot.
I wish you well and hope that the sun shines through very soon!
Oh, goodness, this sounds incredibly difficult! A friend of mine is Indian and her boyfriend of 5+ years was white. Her parents GREATLY disapproved and refused to acknowledge her relationship. She kept warning them an engagement was coming. They kept fighting over it, constantly. She finally told them it was happening with our without their support, and if they wanted to lose their daughter over something as simple as race, regardless of how happy SHE was (she emphasized this a lot), then they would severely regret that decision. Push come to shove, the white boyfriend came over, had a VERY long discussion with the parents about WHY he wanted to marry their daughter and how he would take care of her, respect her culture and religion, etc, and wanted to raise their kids with that culture, too, and they gave their "blessing" even though deep down i'm sure they still wanted her to marry an Indian guy. When faced with the prospect of really truly losing their daugther and future grandchildren, they couldn't do it. My friend's grandmother (who everyone was SURE would be the most 'disappointed) said to her daughter (my friend's mom) that if she was happy and had a good man, then she was happy for her. Maybe some outside family members could help soften the blow? Your parents are maybe putting up a tough front just to see if they're going to get their way. They may threaten and threaten, and realize it's not worth it in the long run. Race is a tough issue, and it's unfortunate that some of the older generation is still this way about it. (My grandmother is Korean, so believe me, I get it!!!!) Good luck. Ultimately, you have to do what makes you happy. And obvoiusly this relationship is THAT important to you. I think your parents will come around eventually...but it may take a LOOOONG time. They will miss having you around. My advice is to say nothing but fabulous things about your man. Never give them what i call "cannon fodder" or they'll never let you live it down. And kudos to your man, he knows what he is getting into and he obvoiusly loves you so much he doesnt' care that he has to put up with your parents' attitudes towards him.
Oh, my indian's friend white boyfriend brought flowers over for the mother...it "buttered" her up. Maybe he could bring something like that as a symbol of peace and also show he has excellent manners? What mother doesn't like flowers? Your mom might be touched by the gesture.
peakay, I could have written your post myself. I have no good advice to offer, since I'm pretty much in the same state (not sure what to do, but hopeful that everything will turn out OK in the end). I hope you find some comfort knowing you're not alone.
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Hi, I am so sorry to hear that your parents do not agree your relationship. What I can advise you is not to loose hope, do you have a relative that is vey close to you and can talk to your parents. Maybe if that person can arrange a dinner at her house in order to meet your fiancee.
Oh I just thought of something.
When one of my Chinese girl friends started to date her white boyfriend, her very traditional parents were really unhappy about it. However, overtime her parents started to like him more and now they fully accepted him. What made this happen was her constantly mentioning what the guy did for her (making her happy), how the guy has a good job/dependable and bright future, but also he would mail them a card during holidays & birthdays and also send them vitamins/care packages whenever she goes home. Showing that he really cares about the parent's well being too. I guess initially the parent may feel like it's a bribe but overtime they came to know he has a good heart and really cares for them. (altho once you start doing this, you'll have to keep doing it forever hehe)
Back in high scool my brother dated a white girl, but my parents were fine with it because they saw that she brought positive influence on him. (Like he never remembers to call them but she would remind him, they would study together and my brother would party less etc). Maybe you can 'sell' to your parents the advantage of being with someone similar culture to your own. How he influenced you, maybe any good Chinese values to have (that would benefit the parents hehe), etc?
errr sorry for double posting by mistake. Meant to correct my typos in the previous post.
wow first of all im sorry your in this position - i can relate all too well. second, im surprised there are so many in similar positions. makes me feel less alone ha -__-
unfortunately i have no advice - in fact you're a stronger woman than I am. im korean american and my bf is korean (came to the US 5 years ago). my mom has never been able to accept him - and was downright cruel and rude whenever he came up in conversation. They've never met - but she found excuse after excuse to dislike him.
then last year, his father was diagnosed with advanced liver cancer that had spread to his lungs and bones. he was not given much time to live. my bf and i both wanted me to be able to meet his dad before he passed away so I planned a very short trip to korea. when my mom found out she went bat crazy and claimed that I was destroying our family and leaving them, that i was being inappropriate (his parents were thrilled i could make it), and did not talk to me for 8 months. His father passed away 1 month after I met him and I do not regret the trip.
However, since we started talking again 4 months ago, my mom and i both avoid my bf in convo altogether. We want to get engaged this summer - but obviously my mom is a bit of an obstacle... i guess ive never prepared myself to actually getting engaged/married without her blessing - but i think ive come to the realization that this is not about the guy, its about her - therefore, i may never get the blessing no matter who the guy was. as for the bf - one traditional korean thing about him is that he does want my parents' blessing... so we're kind of at an impasse.
sorry. i guess I ended up venting more than anything else. personally, i think if you are emotionally prepared to get engaged and married without your parents' blessing, you should do it. i have so many friends tell me that i should be doing my hardest to get my parents to come around, and i can understand that, but at the same time, you know your parents best. I know that because of my mom's own past and regrets, she definitely hopes i will never be "tied down" by marriage or inlaws. she needs to change her mind herself, i cant force her. If you know ur up against a brick wall and continue to ask your parents to meet him, it will emotionally wear you down everytime you and your fiance are rejected. at some point, you have to consider your own happiness and realize that your parents, although your parents, may not give in, even if this is what makes you happy. (that parents want what makes their children happy seems like a fairytale to me!)
good luck - sorry to be such a downer, but im completely rooting for you guys. i hope things turn out well for the both of us, and everyone else who is going through similar situations!
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I'm going to second <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold">pink221 and add that I can't stress the importance of knowing your comfort level with your parents' disapproval. A Indian/Hindu friend of mine was engaged (e.g. cards about to be sent, all the vendors booked) to a Pakistani/Muslim guy. Her parents had a hard time accepting initially, but ultimately agreed and enthusiastically helped with the wedding. His parents never did...and in the end he decided he couldn't go through with it so it got called off with 2 mos to go. Though he hurt my friend, I have a hard time completely judging him b/c I can't imagine getting married w/o my family's support. But everyone is different. My point is, know as best you can where you stand, b/c your parents really might not come around. I think it's never a good idea to make a decision that has consequences you cannot live with...if you have the power to change or mitigate the consequences that's great, but changing attitudes in this case will come from your family.
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation...and I hope you figure out what's best for you.
UPDATE:
Yesterday my mother called me and asked to meet "mother to daughter" to talk about things. We met at a coffee shop and things actually were pretty bad. She had to practice a LOT of self-control because at one point I thought she was going to hit me, Korean-styles. Oh well.
Anyway, she and my dad are adament about it all but I stood my ground and I told her that this was a decision I was making and I was not changing my mind. Then she used the Korean tactic of guilt: My dad is sick because of the stress I'm causing him and the only cure is for me to do what he says so that he can be happy. When that didn't work she because desperate: She wants to "arrange" a meeting between me and the son of someone she knows ("who is rich and smart...He's a doctor!") and when I meet him I'll realize how wrong I was. You know how it is. :o(
The discussion ended angrily on my mother's part. Me, I just felt sad and discouraged. Ultimately, I told my mother that I have made my decision. Then she did what she always does to get in the last word. My dad is having an MRI done in May so she said, "This is on hold until after the MRI. Until then, don't you dare do anything stupid."
Now what?
Oh no!!! I bet your mom made the "Yosh Face" like my family makes. Honestly, you simply cannot meet another man, despite how rich and smart he is, and then be happy and suddenly leave your FI. If your mom FORCES you to, you just be polite to him and tell him you're only saying hello to appease your mother, but you're getting married to somebody else.
My parents always told me it was just as easy to fall in love with somebody handsome and rich than somebody poor. Well, just look at all the women with gorgeous men who beat them and treat them poorly? Money+good looks does not equate to happiness.
I applaud you in standing up for what YOU want though. Ultimately it is your life and unfortunately your mother is being a real stickler about this. If the stress is causing your dad to be sick, well, he needs to accept it all and then he won't be stressed anymore! If he thinks he or your mom can't fix it, then that's all they can do, right? Plus, since when does stress equal an MRI? There might be something deeper going on and he is actually sick, but your mom is telling you it's the stress YOU'RE causing him. Korean guilt is pretty hardcore, no lie.
May is only a month away. Can you talk to your dad and explain some things to him? Sometimes you can work both angles and maybe that'll help. Maybe he thinks your mom is on the way to convincing you otherwise. I hate to say it, but maybe you need the ring on your finger to fully, 100% convince them their battle to end your relationship is fruitless. I know it sounds like an ultimatum but you aren't getting anywhere. If your parents can't even listen to you or respect your opinion, then I honestly don't know what to tell you. If it was me (and i only see this working well in my particular family), I would elope, come home married, and say "i'm still your daughter, but if you shun me you will regret this for the rest of your lives. you should want me to be happy and if you cannot do that, then I will find happiness with my husband and the family we will raise together". But...again, that's not an every family situation and I'm not advising you to do that...but that is what I would do, personally.
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i have to say, i really hate that tactic. the reason my relationship is not moving forward right now is because my mom has threatened that if i get married to my bf, she will have no reason to live and will literally die. korean drama, yes, but coming from a person with loads of health problems, it has scared me enough to not move forward and its been 4.5 years. so i dont know what to tell you. if you feel anything like me, you hate the fact that your parents are putting this guilt on you but you aren't sure if you really are the cause of it all. you want to be happy with your bf/fiance, but you've been raised (or should I say trained) to put your parents' feelings first. you don't want to break up, but you cant find a way forward.
the only thing i can say is, what about after the MRI? if there's something wrong with your dad, is that going to make you change your mind about your boyfriend? if you decide to go ahead with the engagement and something more serious happens, will you be ok with that? if the scan is clear, are your parents going to find another reason to stop you from 'doing anything stupid'? it this going to be a battle of the wills where they continue to impress one scare tactic on top of another until they find one to make you give up? i know these questions dont really help but its what i think about all the time...
another short story: a few years ago, a good friend of mine was dating a guy that her mother diapproved of. in the end, she chose her mother - they broke up. but my friend was so heartbroken she became depressed, lost 20 lbs on her already 100 lb frame, couldnt work or get up out of bed. im sure this is a little more severe than some other breakup stories, but her mom got the picture. even though it was her mom who wanted the breakup, after realizing this was finally the one thing the mom could not fix, she gave her blessing. im a bridesmaid in their wedding this May... apparently, the guilt works both ways 
. keep us updated~~
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So, this is a long story but I will skip over the emotional details and get down to the point. I am Korean, my boyfriend, S, is Chinese. My parents have refused to acknowledge my relationship with S. Last year when I told them that the relationship is serious and headed towards marriage, there was a huge family battle and in the end, my parents said, "Keep up this relationship, or leave the family." I remained in the relationship and since last year, they have brushed the matter under the rug and have acted as if nothing has happened. My relationship with my parents is very strained but still manageable. S has picked the ring, and S would now like to meet my parents officially. I called my mother this morning and asked for a day for us to all meet. She downright refused and will no longer speak about the subject. I pressed her further stating that S and I intend on marrying next year and again, she refused to address the situation. She said, "Remember what we said last year. If you get married, we won't come."
Why do they hate him so much? Because he's Chinese and 3 years younger than me. Those two factors alone have caused all of this.
S would still like to ask my father's permission to marry me, knowing he will be faced with anger and downright rudeness.
What do we do? Go ahead and get engaged without dad's permission? Continue asking parents to meet him? Any one experience anything similar?