Post # 1
Ok this is a long story but ill try and keep it short …
I am 23 years old SO is 27 (just so no one thinks im like a 16 year old trying to get married)
Anyways during casual discussion my brother got engaged and more recently my sister got engaged the topic of weddings came up and because i do have some medical issues as well as my brother my mother expressed that both me and my brother should never get married. ( she doesnt think he should marry her because has a physical dissability and she is lazy ) even if she is proud theres always a debbie downer comment ( welcome to my pasive agressive family) but the second my SO heard my mom said i should never get married i know he instantly thought “oh crap” and hes very tradtional and wants to ask for there blessing before he proposes…
my mothers reasoning is that when your married you dont get as much help from government organizations ect.. which i understand it will all be tough and as long as SO understands and is ok with it i dont appresiate her comments which then make SO and myself feel bad that were not even going to be excited about it they do not give the warmest congradulations to say the least, its just an over all depressing issue that should be overwellmngly amazing…..my father is also sick (but not the same issue me and my brother have) and every so often she makes comments about how if she could do it all over again she wouldnt have married my father and that they sometimes talk about getting a divorce just so he can get better benefits. im just sick of her regret getting pushed onto me and basically trying to not let me live my own life before i even get the chance to.
Than on the other side of the equation my mother constantly comments about how she cant help pay for a wedding and how the only thing her mother baught for her wedding was the cake…. which no one is asking her to pay for anything so why talk about how you cant afford to help pay for a wedding when all she does is keep saying how no one should be gettng married anyway
needless to say i love my parents but i contantly avoid conversations because no matter what they have nothing possitive to say and if i do stand up for myself (many stupid petty fights start for no reason) and tell them its not there problem theres no need for comments like that im instantly “unreasonable”, and “something else” (they do not know me and SO are as serious as we are and that a ring is already purchased, i have made one comment about how SO’s mother is already saving for our wedding, but only because his brother just got married so she thinks where next and i got the death stare and a shake of the head like you better not be getting married)
what am i supposed to do 🙁
(sorry for the confusing and probably horrible grammar >.<)
Post # 3
Ahhh….I’m sorry your in that situation! Everyone wants their parents to be happy for them when they get engaged/married. Try to understand in her strange way your mom probably thinks she has your best interest at heart. That being said, it is your life. If you have found a wonderful SO wo you love with all your heart (and vice versa) and who wants to marry you just the way you are, don’t let your parents comments ruin that. I am happy that your are happy, and I am sorry your mom doesn’t feel the same way.
Post # 4
People with physical disabilities get married all the time. If she is worried about you losing your assistance, then this is something to be discussed with your FH PRIOR to having that conversation with your parents. You will want to be sure he understands the limits and the availabity (or lack there of) of assistance to those who are married. I do think she is really just concerned for your level of care and level of assistance if marriage were to take place. Have you had a heart to heart with her? Expressed to her that the negative comments she makes brings you down and gives you no hope for your future with a husband?
Post # 5
I’m sorry that your mom is being negative and pushing that attitude off onto you. I am sure her reasons regarding government assistance, etc are valid but that is obviously something that you and your fiance/boyfriend would need to discuss prior to getting married. If he is on board with everything (medically, financially, emotionally) that comes along with you and coping with your medical issues and illness – then he is definitely the right guy. 🙂
I think that you and your SO should probably focus on the idea that you two will pay for the wedding and make sure it’s what you both want. You deserve to be happy just as much as the next person and having medical issues doesn’t have to hold back your whole life. If your family doesn’t want to support you in the decision to get married and doesn’t come around to the idea once you are engaged…then there is always the idea of eloping!
Post # 6
Wow. I’m so sorry your mom is acting this way. I guess she probably means it out of love, and is concerned for your future, but still. I would say you shoudl sit her downand tell her how much her attitude is hurting you, but I suspect it wouldn’t change anything. Not if this is a woman that’s talked about dissolving her own marriage for insurance purposes… (I know things are hard in some countries, but wtf… I don’t even.)
I think the important thing is to surround yourself with family members and friends that are excited and happy for you, and just try and tune your mom out.
Congratulations on your engagement! 🙂
Post # 7
Some people are just more inclined to negativity. It sounds like your mom is this type and thankfully you are not!! Try your best to overcome your mother’s dreary outlook and live your life how you want it! That is the best thing you can do for yourself and your FI. I have several friends and an ex who successfully escaped negative, judgemental and/or controlling parents They have come so far and it sounds like you will too. I’m sure you love her and I’m sure there are good things about her that you love, but try to distance yourself from that kind of attitude.
Best of luck to you!