Post # 1
To all the Jewish Bees out there-
Are you having your parents stand with you under the chuppah? We weren’t planning on doing it. I know it’s tradition, but I really wanted it to be about me and my fiance. Well when his parents found out, his mother called him and said she was upset. Then all of a sudden he wants them up there! I told him I would do it for him, but only if he promised it was FOR HIM and not because his mom was upset. Our chuppah isn’t even big enough to fit another four people under there so they will stand next to it on either side then the bridal party. So that’s 17 people including us and the rabbi?!?!
I can’t really take it back now but does that seem crazy to anyone else??
Post # 3
i think you need to do whatever is right for you. If what’s right for you is keeping the peace, then go for it. And actually it sounds like a nice solution to have them sort of outside the chuppah with the wedding party, so this way you won’t see them in your peripheral vision and you can just focus on each other and the rabbi. random, but related, you might like this site for jewish brides…it’s new and really nice: http://www.theweddingyentas.com/
Post # 4
I originally didn’t want our parents up there with us either. I told the rabbi that, and he said he’s never had anyone ask that before and I was too tired to argue so I gave in very quickly. Our parents stood outside of the chuppah, I tried to find a picture that you can see them but they stood off to the side and kind of behind the bridal party so it’s hard to notice them. And I didn’t really notice them anyway, all eyes were on my hubby! In the end I’m glad I did it, it’s really a nice tradition.
Post # 5
I could have written that exact same post! I want it to be just my FI and I under the chuppah. My parents don’t even want to be standing there, they would rather sit and be comfortable and watch. My FI’s parents, on the other hand, think its their right and don’t want to be treated like “just another guest.” (and yes, they are walking my FI down the aisle, so I certainly wasn’t trying to treat them like everyone else). I finally gave in on it, but I’m still not particularly happy about it.
Post # 6
In all honesty, I agree with the parents!!!
They should be up there. I understand that you want it to be about you….AND IT WILL BE! The guests aren’t paying attention to your parents, but YOU! YOU WILL BE THE CENTER OF ATTN! The parents don’t even say anything, but its the most initmiate to include them. And please remember a Jewish boy’s mother is very protective of her son, and you getting married to him is a HUGE STEP no matter how much she loves you, etc. You are taking on her responsibilitues to give her boy a good life…so the least you could do is honor that she is scared, protective, and wants to be a part of it…just this one last time.
I think that in the grand scheme of things, this shouldn’t bother you as much as you say it does. the important thing here is that you are uniting to each other, and i think you arr forgetting that. The people standing around you…….purely for picture purposes, well and some of your bestest friends! 😉
Post # 7
- Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School
I was in the same boat, not expecting either set of parents to want to stand up under the Chuppah with us. However, I found out that my mom was pretty devastated when she heard we weren’t planning on this, so I changed my tune pretty quickly. I think in Jewish tradition, it’s a pretty big deal to have your parents up there, so that may be part of it…
And honestly, it was wonderful to have both of our parents there with us during such an emotional and happy ceremony…Here’s a photo to give you an idea of what it looked like, our parents were on either side and then our bridal party was a bit in front and off to either side…
Post # 8
dchopeful-That’s so funny because my mom said the same thing. she was like I dont want to be standing up there in front of everyone!
notintoplanning- I certainly am not forgetting that this wedding is about uniting me and my fiance and the important part parents play in this. I simply have my opinions and while you’re entitled to yours I don’t feel it necessary to say that I am not recognizing the importance.
Post # 9
i also just want him and me- no disrepect to the parents- but i think it is more about us than the joining of families. not that that isn’t great, too. it also gets tricky since my parents are divorced.
Post # 10
- Wedding: March 2018 - Ritz Carlton, Marina Del Rey
Is it just the idea of them being under the chuppah that concerns you, or do you not want them standing up near the chuppah at all? Our chuppah was tiny — it barely fit the two of us and the rabbi — but our parents and grandparents were able to be seated (facing the guests) directly to the sides of the chuppah, and our wedding party stood off the dais, but in front of the chuppah.
Post # 11
i guess i should probably run this by my mom soon, but i was thinking we wouldn’t have the parents stand up there with us. for one thing, FI isn’t jewish so i know his family doesn’t care (or even know about this tradition). i’ve never really loved this tradition and i’d rather it not be so crowded up by the chuppah. i know i’d happily sit in the front row rather than have to stand through the whole ceremony and i hope my mom agrees. now that i’m reading these comments though, i’m worried that she’ll be offended. i guess i’ll feel her out on the issue…
Post # 12
We are definitely not having our parents stand up there with us. I’m even hesitant to ask the bridal party to just sit in the front rather than stand up there with us. I know everyone says a wedding is about more than just the couple, but we have been on our own for years now. And we want it to just be us there making a commitment to each other. Plus our families are too much drama. There are many things I will compromise on for our families, but this just isn’t one of them.
Post # 13
My boyfriend and I were just talking about this. Our issue is 1) My parents are not Jewish (I’m currently in the process of converting to Judaism), and 2) My mother suffers from arthritis in both knees, and can’t stand for longer than 10 minutes without being in complete pain. While I understand this is something his parents may want, I know that my parents already are afraid they may feel alienated a bit from our wedding, and for me if we can’t have both sets of parents, I don’t want either set of parents, so we’ll just be explaining to his family our feelings on the situation, and hopefully they’ll be okay with it (plus, they have 3 other children who may be a bit more traditional )
Post # 14
I originally just waned me and my FI under the chuppah with the Rabbi, but I just couldn’t figure out where else to put them! I wanted everyone on the side of the chuppah, just infront, but then who would hold my boquet? Who would walk me around my FI? I didn’t want it, but it ended up being okay that they were there. His family was on one side, mine on the other. Our bridal party was 2 people each so they were under there too.
Post # 15
My parents and FI’s parents will be under the chuppah with us and the rabbis (2) and cantor (1) but that is it. The MOH and best man will be right next to the chuppah.
Post # 16
@pocketfox: If you really only want you two under there, that’s awesome, but don’t let it be because your family isn’t Jewish. You can have people who are not Jews under the chuppah! My husband’s stepdad, my mum, and my bridesmaid are all non-Jews and they were under our chuppah. We had a very traditional Conservative Rabbi, and he wanted them under there too, Jewsish or not. The arthritis, however, is another issue. A chair maybe?