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do you the people who would be on their list? if you do I would go ahead and start putting together your list and just invite them. This is your day, you do what you want to do. If they choose not to go, it's really going to be their loss.
No matter who does or doesn't come, remember you are marrying the man you are going to be with for the rest of your life. You have to be happy - weddings are for other people as well but it has to reflect what you want.
In my personal opinion, if I was in the situation, I wouldn't even include my unsupportive mother in wedding planning. But that's just me, and I tend to be rough like that.
First - your mom is probably right that some relatives may turn their nose up at a cake and punch reception - and some may not choose to come. I'm sorry she got so mean and ugly and made the remark that no one cares about you that much. That's completely uncalled for.
HOWEVER - there is nothing wrong with having a cake and punch reception and I love how sensible you and your FI are being about money.
Your mom sounds like she is really trying to pull a power card here.
My advise is to continue to plan your wedding as you want it. Invite the people you want to be there and call it a day. They can choose if they want to show up or not (my thinking is she will show up, but if she is threatening not to - you need to be prepared for that too).
The thing I learned in my own planning is that parents have these hopes and dreams for what their kids weddings will be like... and when you start creating a plan that's different from what they've dreamed about... it unleashes the wedding-crazy, like nobody's business.
A wedding is to celebrate you and your FI and your love. I think you mom is totally wrong and so will everyone who loves you. I do think that you should put punch and cake to follow, so that people know what to expect and don't show up starving. BUT I totally think your wedding should be everything you want it to be. It sounds like you will be happier with a roof over your head and I don't see anything wrong with that. I would bipass your mom and invite who ever you would like. It's your day, no one elses.
Can you find a caterer who will cost less than what your parents gave you? If I do pick-up catering for mine (entrees, two sides, buns, serviceware, and plates, for 100 people), it'll cost about $650 - you'd just need to add the cake and punch that you're already planning. Admittedly, it may be hard to find that sort of deal somewhere other than the middle of nowhere. But since they've given you money for food, it would only be fair to at least look.
I think your mom and stepdad are being mean and you should do what you want. Some people will frown on what you are planning and others will commend you, but you are being very smart with your finances, so try not to let them get to you. Can you go to another relative; maybe an aunt, to help you with the guest list? As long as you have your wedding at a nonmeal time and you forwarn your guests, you should be fine.
It sounds like your parents are approaching you with their concerns in totally the wrong way. However if many of the guests are from out of town I would have to agree with the sentiment that you should do a full dinner. Yes, they love you. But if you love them you should try to accommodate them and at least give them 1 free meal for their trouble. Especially since you have the money. I totally respect having a sensible wedding and saving for a down payment... but I think there is a limit. So I guess I'm saying... I get where your mom is coming from but I think she is probably approaching you the wrong way.
DO NOT let them pressure you into spending more money than you want to on your wedding. You'll only regret it and resent them for it.
I'd just tell them "This is what we're doing, this is when we're doing it, we'd like for you and our relatives to be there". Then leave it up to them to decide what's most important.
If you let them talk you into spending/doing more than you want for your wedding you will regret it. Many brides are super stressed putting work into the wedding they WANT, you'll be even more so having to plan an event you didn't want & having to spend the money on it.
Ignore your mother! I hate to say it, but she is definitely wrong! Your frineds and relatives love you and will travel. I've never considered what I was getting before deciding to go to a wedding or family party. It's always about the person/couple being celebrated. And those who don't feel the same way, don't have to come! If you do cake and punch, you can really have the freedom to do some awesome things with dessert and drink options!
With the economy the way it is, many people are finding ways to cut back. You are making smart decisions for your future and should be very proud!
We had a modest wedding (day time, state park in a beautiful building, BBQ buffet) but people came and they loved it! Everyone had a great time.
will ur mom contribute any money?? if not then do what you want. would u consider finger food?
Hmm...not to be rude, but it doesn't seem like your parents' "spend today worry tomorrow" philosophy has actually got them very far in terms of material wealth (I am sure they are amazing parents, even though I think for them to tell you no one will be interested enough to attend the wedding for your sake if there isn't a huge spread laid on is a bit harsh). I think your decision to spend just a small percentage of the generous gift is very wise and respectful to the spirit of the gift. A wedding is meant to be the start of a new life, and if you want to have cake and punch then that's your choice! I bet your relatives will all queue to come and visit you in your brand spanking new home in the near future...money well spent and not wasted on a huge party to please others.
I agree with @CorgiTales:
Your parents are approaching you all wrong, but they're not totally off the mark IMO.
It would be one thing if you literally just didn't have the money. But I think a meal is in order when you're asking people to do significant travel to be there. I mean, if you were hosting a friend who flew in to visit you (on any random weekend) - you might take them to dinner, right?
Could you split the money- house/wedding - 70/30 or 80/20?
I applaud your decision not to waste money on a single day. However, I agree that if someone is coming a long distance to share your celebration it's polite to host them properly. My friend had various pasta salads and the groomsmen grilled - it was great and cheap. How about platters from Whole Foods? Where are you in CA? Maybe people have suggestions for inexpensive food options.
Also, in order to see our out-of-town guests as much as possible we are having a no-host dinner and no-host breakfast for them. I figure they all have to eat anyway, and even though we can't afford to host multiple meals we can still celebrate together. Consider that possibility as well to make it worth everyone's while to travel.
If a Cake and Punch reception is a good way to cut down the guest list, I say go for it!! I think it's funny that your Mom is threatening for her friends/family not to come. If I were in your position, I say good riddance. It's my wedding anyway. More room for my friends who will enjoy my cake and punch. ;)
Ummm... they're not coming for food! I had a cake & punch reception & it was SOO awesome! No one thought it was "poor".. in fact some friends said it was the most fun they had at a wedding. Food doesn't matter or determine at all if I'm going to a wedding... its the people getting married!
I disagree with @corgitales & @rachelss... I don't think you need to pay for their meal. When I visit friends from out of town, I expect nothing from them. I'm just happy to see them & spend time togehter. In fact, I almost always end up buying my own food, or even taking them out. People can eat after or before the wedding if they're hungry, its not like they're going to starve... people can go a few hours between meals.
Cake & punch is awesome & I think you should stay in your 10/90 decision. I spent the vast majority of my money on buying a house, the wedding lasted a day... I'm going to live in this house for years & no one was upset about not having food. A few people left early for food, but that's it.
Can you get your other relative's addresses from someone else? I'm sorry your mom is making such a big deal about this :(. Its actually not "embarressing" at all!!
I think cake and punch or dessert style receptions are chic and cool. They can be so classy and modern with all the little DIY details. Good for you for choosing to have one. Regardless of budget, i think they are a great option!
err ... and i'm not just saying this because i am having one :-P
I am 49, and I think you have a brilliant plan. When I was growing up (70s) all the weddings we ever went to were cake and punch. It's YOUR wedding. it's YOUR life. You are being wise. Embrace your choice.
it's your wedding. you invite who you want and do it how you want. if you know your mom's relatives then ask them directly for their addresses and invite them. you don't need to go through your mom to do it.
Also, don't take any more money from your parents. Then they'll really want you to do things their way. The less financially involved you are with them, the more decisions you can make on your own without their input.
Thanks everyone for your input! I really appreciate the supportive atmosphere here at weddingbee! One of the things I'm trying to keep in mind is freeing up the day before or week of as much as I possibly can (we'll see!) for relatives/friends flying in to spend time with them, and yes, have a meal. My mother has a history of manipulating me in this way and I just wish I had a better way of handling it or recognizing it when it happens. I don't know if it's worth it to give them evidence that "cake and punch" used to be the tradition. My fiancee keeps joking that we should just elope and then send my parents a gift certificate to a restaurant as our announcement to them. :P
Just so you know, you are so right about cake and punch being an older tradition! In the old days it was typical for there to be a morning wedding, and then cake and punch served on the church lawn. All over by the early afternoon. Somehow in the late 20th and 21st century the weddings have gotten moved to dinner time with a full meal!
There is nothing wrong with a cake and punch reception. Especially if you are having an evening wedding. However, we compromised with "light refreshments" - that is we also had a fruit tray, a cheese and cracker tray, Spinach and onion dip, and deli pinwheels. If you like, go to my wed site and in the photo gallery under reception, there are a few pics of the food. People seemed happy enough with the selection - they socialized and "noshed" on the food. We did a cake cutting and a bouquet toss and that was about it! Here is a copy of our wedding invite with the "warning" that light refreshments would be served.
wedinvite2.jpg (66.6 KB, 56 downloads) 1 year old 
While it's certainly nice to be served a meal, reading your initial post made me think about where your mom can shove it. Seriously... it sounds like she wants to pass on her financial irresponsibility to you. And if you're going to go into debt, doing it to impress others is pretty much the worst reason possible.
So do what you want. If there are relatives and friends on her list that you want to invite, go ahead and invite them. Don't worry about the people she might want to invite but you're not close to - this is a great excuse to get those sorts of courtesy invites off your guest list.
I think as a guest I agree with your mom that I would have a hard time shelling out major bucks to travel to your wedding and for a really nice gift if all you can shell out for me is cake and punch. Its not saying anything is bad with a cake and punch reception.
I agree that in the past there were lots of cake and punch receptions. That was great, it still is. However, people also didn't spend tons of money traveling across the country or spend a ton on a wedding gift.
I think if you want to have a smaller/local wedding cake and punch is awesome. That may be all that you and your FI and your family are willing to spend. If thats the case you should stick to your guns. But, you shouldn't invite 200 people from across the country for the "big event" when there will just be cake and punch.
I think it would be nice to know a few more facts about your wedding before making a judgement on if cake and punch is appropriate (number of guests, location of wedding, location of guests, etc).
If you are really worried about money maybe a good compromise is to ask your local friends to each bring an item for a potluck in lieu of a gift.
Do consider that your out of town guests have to eat somewhere - whether you are serving them or not. You might as well all eat at the same place. If most of your guests were in town I would be cheering you on for the cake and punch reception and people could eat dinner at home. But out of town guests won't have a home to eat at so you might plan for a morning wedding, followed by no-host lunch, or a wedding after dinner.
Although I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with a cake and punch reception (they can be great, actually), I agree with the points made by @caszos. Will people be traveling to the wedding? My parents had a cake and punch reception, but the farthest anyone had to travel was maybe 50 miles. I do think the equation changes a bit when people have to make a long drive or take a flight or book a hotel.
That being said, I do not think you need to do anything fancy or expensive. This is obviously impt to your mom. If you are going to take $1000 from your parents, why don't you use that for food? Unless you are having a huge wedding, that should be enough to do a cookout, or even get some catering trays from a local grocery store or deli. I totally agree with you that no one should feel like they are forced to go into debt or use all their savings for a wedding. I just feel like if this is important to your mom, why don't you spend her money for what she wants?
I agree that your parents are appraoching you the wrong way. The way that they're choosing to voice their concerns is what is causing the majority of the problem here. And I'm very sorry you have to deal with that.
I think you should have a smaller lighter reception if that's what you want. I also think your family and friends obviously love and care about you. But for a smaller less formal affair, if your guests need to book flights and hotels they may think twice. Not because they don't care about you, but because it's a lot of effort and expense on their part for what looks like a smaller affair. It's not a personal statement about you at all.
I think you have two choices here. You can accept that your guest list may end up being smaller and stick to your original idea. If you go this route, you should also return the $1,000 to your parents. OR You can keep the $1,000 and use it for appetizers for the reception. That makes it a compromise between the fully catered meal your mother is demanding, and the cake and punch only that you originally planned. And it may cause a few more people to get on a plane to celebrate with you.
I don't think there's a bad choice here. And for you, I really wish your mother could find a more constructive way to communicate with you.
It really depends on what you want as a couple and depends on your venue, etc but a trend in Britain right now is to have the wedding ceremony late on - say 5 or 6pm and then go straight into an evening reception.
You could have it as a 'black tie' and cocktails event which would be super classy. You could serve canapes or how about a cheese board? It is more suited to a city wedding but you could make it work in most places.
Not having a 'wedding breakfast' is becoming more and more common and there are so many other options available these days.
Obviously your value Mom's opinions but you and your FI shouldn't be guilt-tripped into spending a load of cash. I definitely think you can work this out tho - you just need to sell it to your Mum differently!!
Thanks everyone for the advice and replies. I haven't been up to posting lately because shortly after I posted, I found out my mom took out a credit card in my name supposedly to pay for her share of the wedding (figure that one out..). It's so humilating and frustrating; the credit card company contaced me to find out when I would pay since I was already late on my payment after ringing up over $1000 on the card. I called and yelled at my mom and we exchanged some choice words. Needless to say, I'm returning the "money" she gave me for the wedding dress and have asked her to not contribute anything to the wedding and just work on controlling her debt. I dont' even feel like doing a wedding anymore. I do still want to be married to my fiancee though... he has been amazing through this. I'm just over all this :(
@Almond: I am so sorry that she is acting so horribly! and how on earth did she take out a credit card in your name?! Yikes. You may want to report to the credit card company that this was fraud.
I really think that you should go with want you want for your wedding and not let her manipulate you. Go ahead and invite your family without her input. Also invite her to the wedding and leave it at that. Try not to talk to her about any of this because it seems like she likes to control you and start unnecessary drama. I personally would want to serve some type of food at the reception like fruit and cheeses, but if you don't want to, don't worry about it!
I think you're making the right decision, a wedding is one day but your marriage is for life and there's a lot of things (ie. a house) that you'll need money for after the wedding is over.
I have to say I agree with CorgiTales and the other who have said that though your parents aren't going about it the right way, I don't think they are off the mark. If you are having guests flying in from a very long way, you really should feed them a meal. I absolutely applaud your decision to save the majority of the money for the house, but giving your guest a full meal doesn't have to cost a fortune. Shop around and find a modest caterer to serve a modest meal in addition to your cake and punch. It doesn't have to be an extravagant dinner by any means, but I don't think it would hurt to take a teeny bit more of that money and do a meal.
I do think your mom needs to simmer down though and learn how to communicate.
Okay, wow...I didn't see that your mom took out a credit card in your name---does she not understand that's a crime and she could technically go to jail. Please tell me you told them to close the card once you've returned the money. I CANNOT believe she did that. How horrible.
Ladies, this post is from 8 months ago. OP wedding date was 3 months ago. Let's all hope she worked it out and is a happily married bee!
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Ok, so my Fiancee and I are saving all our pennies to pull off a wedding and buy a home in the few years. His parents have generously given us a huge chunk of change to spend as we wish, either for the wedding, for a down payment, to furnish the FI's current home ( our future home for the next year or so), whatever. We plan to use 10% of it for the wedding and 90% for our future down payment. That was our decision and we are happy with it. My parents think it's ridiculous. They have always been a spend today, worry tomorrow kind of folk and think I should use most or at least half of it toward our wedding.
We have told them repeatedly that we will not do that and yes we will have a modest wedding. We want to have a cake and punch wedding not only because it's cheap but because without worrying so much about food, it frees us up to plan for other things for the wedding. However, my mom, who isn't familiar with American wedding traditions, thinks we, at the minimum, need to have a full catered dinner if we want her or her friends/relatives to attend. I told her that it used to be traditional that a wedding featured only cake and punch and my stepdad yelled over the phone that I was a liar.
My mom refuses to give me her invite list because she is too embarrassed for them to see "cake and punch reception to follow" on the invitation. Neither of them even want to attend because they think everyone will think they and my FI and I are poor.
They have offered to pay for some of the wedding but because of their poor finances, I've only accepted $1000 from them. I refuse to take more even though they are offering because I don't want anyone, including my parents, to go into debt over this wedding. I know them well enough that even a grand is stretching it for them and so I feel guilty for even accepting that.
My FI has been so supportive in this but I just need advice on how to tread. They're angry right now but what do I do if my mom still refuses to let me invite my relatives? I'm afraid she will get angry at me if they show up. I'm pretty sure people love me enough to want to come to the wedding, even fly, even if it is only cake and punch. My mom says that's not true, no one will fly for just cake and punch. No one cares about me that much. I hope she's wrong. :(