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The problem with trying to convince someone that your choice is right is that it probably won't work and will just leave you frustrated. I wouldn't waste your time trying to explain to them. Just tell them that is what you are doing and you appreciate their concern but it's your life and your choice.
I got that reaction from a few relatives and all I said was, "It's the right choice for us." I think your response is fine. Just stick it out. The naysayers will shut up eventually!
I've gotten that from a few people as well (even one person anonymously and really rudely on our wedding website!!) and all I say is that I appreciate their concern, but we know what we are doing.. I wouldn't try to explain it to them.. They're not going to change their minds unless you and your hubby reach 80 years old and are still happy married and as in love as ever.. So just tell them thank you but no thanks, brush it off, and prove them wrong :)
There is nothing wrong with being younger and on the happy to announce side when it comes to marriage.
My biggest question would be will you guys be able to find your own living space and support yourselves? If so then, your fine and you family will have to grow to honor and respect your decsion. The worst situation for you would be having them not offer to help you should you need it later on in your marriage because you didn't wait.
Theres no reason to have a huge engagement party or send out announcements. Share it with the ones you love and when the time comes, people will get invitations or save the dates:)
If you belong to a church or have access to a local Christian college/ young adult group, see if you can get in-touch with some young married couples. For mentoring and advice! It can be done :
My grandparents got married when they were 16 and my parents got married when they were 18, and they are still married! When both sets got married, that age was the norm. Now the norm is all over the place. Is it easier on the couple to wait until they are settled into careers before they get married? Usually. But you have to do what's right for you guys. If you feel this is right, then do it! There will always be naysayers, whether you wait a year or 5 years. So as long as you are confident with you decision, that's all that matters.
Sorry but, why not wait a few years? You don't give any concrete reasons besides it's "not gonna happen." I think your mother knows what is best for you, and getting married so young against her wishes is only going to cause a rift in your family.
You're living with extended family, unemployed, and a student. I think having a few more years under your belt, as well as being better suited for real life (bills, houses, REAL unemployment, living on your own) will not only not hurt anything, but also only make you and your relationship stronger.
@Brandiola: I didn't list a whole bunch of reasons because I came on here to ask people how I should break the news, not to try to prove that I'm ready. I'm actually not unemployed--I'm self-employed while I look for a "real" job. I moved to the Bay Area to live with family so I could a) have more opportunities than I would have in a small town and b) do the responsible thing by saving the $800 a month I could be wasting by living on my own (which I don't want to do anyway) toward my future. If I still don't have a "real" job in a year, or if FH becomes financially unstable for some reason, we won't get engaged yet. It's that simple.
@Eva Peron: Thanks! :) FH and I are still getting on our feet since we both just moved last month, but he's already landed a promising job, and we've both been saving for our future since we've started being able to. Unless something goes terribly wrong in the next year, we should be quite financially stable by the time we get engaged--and like I said above, if we're not, we won't get engaged yet.
Getting in touch with young married couples is a good idea. We're still searching for a home church (and we think we've found one), so once we're sure which church we want to stay at, we'll try to do that. :)
@Brandiola: OP clearly stated she only wanted responsed on how to deal with her family, not for an opinion on her age. Who cares why she wants to get married at her age? All the best to her!
OP, your family will think what they want to think reagrdless of what you really say. The best thing you can do is to prove them wrong! Good luck with your furture :)
I wouldn't bother trying to explain reasons to them - they won't agree, and it will just leave you even more frusturated.
@Miss Pinup: Thanks for the response. :) You and at least one other poster have said that the best thing to do is simply prove the naysayers wrong and not try to convince them of anything, and that sounds like the best option. I don't think FH and I should have too much trouble with that. :)
By the way, I'm very curious: have any of you ever received disapproval from friends or family about you and your man's relationship, but later gained their respect and/or approval? At what point did you gain it? I've heard about several people (including my sister) who faced disapproval from certain people, but once everyone attended the wedding, they saw how much the two people loved and respected one another, and changed their attitudes. I might have to start a whole new thread for this one... :)
@NatAndTy: The disapproval faded at different points for different family members. It took my auntmom (maternal aunt who raised me, so she's part aunt, part mom, all awesome) a while to fully warm up to DH because she saw me go through hell with an ex and was really cautious, but now they're quite close. My grandma and her sister loved him instantly. Another aunt only warmed up to him right before the wedding (and we had been together for two years at that point!).
@NatAndTy: At my parent's wedding, my grandpa was in the back room offering to go out and tell everyone they weren't getting married, and reminding my mom it wasn't too late to change her mind! I couldn't say exactly when it changed, but either before I was born or when I was very young since as long as I can remember he is supportive of their marriage.
Oh honey, this sounds like me! My family gave us such a hard time when we were newly engaged. We had been together for 7 months (we knew right away that we wanted to marry each other- he proposed on our first date) and we were still young (19 and 20). All I kept telling them is that it was my decision and I wasn't going to leave him just because they didn't like it. They continued to tell me that I was unhappy because of him but in reality, I was unhappy that my FAMILY was telling me that the only thing I have ever been 110% sure of was a mistake. It took 4 years and 2 kids for me to grow a backbone and tell them to shut it. We went to the courthouse in December and I have never been happier. My advice- tell them that you have made your decision and do NOT back down. If you stick to your guns, you will be happier in the long run. Don't let them push you around like I did- it strained my relationship with my husband terribly and we almost didn't make it. Best of luck!
@MrsNerd: Your relationship sounds so much like the one I'm in now. We knew immediately that we want to get married. It was actually when we met for the first time in person. My parents are so hesitant and every time I talk about it they look at me and tell me we should wait a year. I guess they don't understand that I certainly do not, under any circumstance feel 19 (my age.) I will be graduating with my batchelors degree in May and for years have always been called an "old soul" I act like I'm 30, not 19. I'm terrified that I'll end up with a lecture, instead of a congratulations, but your advice was great. I definitely won't back down if that occurs!
Well, listen, you're not *actually* engaged yet - you're just talking about it - and there is a big difference. That gives your parents plenty of time to get adjusted to the idea and get to know you guys as a couple, so that once the time comes, they may have come around. And also, a lot can change in a year, so maybe you guys will end up deciding to hold off anyway. So for now, just enjoy things as they are, enjoy being with a guy who has already said he'd like to get engaged at some point, and worry about it when you need to worry about it - not before.
@mandypop:EXACTLY THIS
Warm them up to the idea, show them that you are responsible, and alleviate their fears. It's not that they're being malicious when they're concerned! You're your parents and their worries aren't completely off base. Parents are always going to worry, whether you're 20, 30, or 40. Just enjoy your awesome relationship, and don't focus on this pending engagement that may or may not go over well with your family.
My fiance will be 24 when we get married next year- I wanted to get married 2 years ago but he wanted to be able to support us.
I fully support you guys getting married, I do not think you are too young at all! I was thinking you were 17/18 when I saw the title.
Love is the most important thing, and love will find a way whether or not your parents agree ;)
@NatAndTy: I dealt with some disapproval way before my fiance and I were engaged. It was more so at the begining of our relationship. The begining of our relationship was a little bit rocky. We were both really young (I was 18 and he was 19) and he was going through some tough times when we first met. He ended up moving to California for work and to try and get his life together when we broke up for a little while. He had me come out and visit him and then a few weeks later asked me to move to California with him. Almost all of my friends and some of my family were totally against it and thought it was bad idea and some would even trash talk about it, but I ended up moving out here anyways and now almost 7 years later we are still together, happy, engaged and getting married next October. After a while of me living out here and them seeing that everything was good and we were happy they changed their minds and they all love him and approve of our relationship now. I guess we proved them all wrong :)
Do what you feel is right and like you and some of the other posters said prove them wrong. That's the best thing you can do. Although I totally understand that it's hard when you don't have complete support from your loved ones on something that your so excited an dhappy about.
I'm 19, my fiance is 25. I knew my grandparents were going to be less than supportive and they are the kind of people that think I'm too young for everything, including staying out past dark, working my job (where I make a better income then they could even guess), and being a RN (I graduate in 6 months). LOL but they are my grandparents and I love them. And in their defence I don't think they even realize I'm out of high school. Anyway Thank God I have my mom who is always supportive and was so happy when I showed her the ring.
When I told my grandparents, I said "well, at least you have one wedding to look forward too" and flashed my ring. I got them with the element of surprize and let them sit with the idea. When they finally did start spouting all the things I knew were coming..."Your too young" I was able to come back with, "I'm not to young to save lives, or to buy a car, or pay my own bills or help with your bills for that matter."It kind of reminded them that I am indepenant and that I've always made good decisions. They still aren't happy but they re coming to terms.
The best way is to just tell them. Let them know it's your decision and while you value their opinion because you love them you are old enough to make your own decision. When it's time- you know it. You shouldn't need to defend yourself or your decision and remember, no one knows exactly how you feel except you and your SO. Everyone else will come around with time.
I have heard some of my friends who are 25 get the 'too young' comment, so I wouldn't expect it to stop anytime soon.
As for breaking it to the parents, your SO asking for father for his blessing might be as easier way? I don't know your father though and some times that doesn't fly.
Your parents are probably trying to make you wait becuase they want to protect you and don't want you to miss out on any of the important things in life (education, career, life enrichment, ect.) These are all nobel things that anyone would want for thier children. I personally would break the news to them and when they bauk at the idea or start with the ' too young' comments revert *Calmly* to "Mom, I know that you are trying to protect me and want only whats best for me, I want you to know that we still want all these things (education, career, fill in the blank here) and we are going to be working towards them together and here is how"
Sometimes adknowledging peoples worries and showing them that you do have a plan in place and that you are not rushing in to this will calm the anxiety a bit. I don't know you guys personally, but most people are 'too young' becuase they rush in to thing and don't make long ter 5, 10, 20 year goals together... If you make solid plans for this and have it all well throught out your parents might react better.
best of luck and let us know how it goes.
Why not get engaged and then have a long engagement? That's what I'm planning on doing, I have no intention to get married until he's done with college and I've finished a Masters.
I'll be 23, FI will be 23 when we get married, but at the wedding, we'll be 2 days past 7 years together. So no offer from family. Now my boss on the other hand. I only have my father, my mom has passed, same for him. My bosses all say I'm to young. I took a year off from college because I couldn't deal with the stress from his mother dying. I just say, I'll prove em wrong.
@Eva Peron: Excellent advice. Couldn't have said it any better myself.
Did your mom tell you why she feels those preconditions should be met? It sounds to me like she wants to make sure you've lived as an adult for a little while before you get married (which makes a certain amount of sense). I think it's easier to be sure that someone is getting married for the right reasons if you know that they've gotten the wild crazies out of the way and money's not a factor.
If that's all it is, it will be relatively easy to show her leading up to your engagement that you can stand on your own two feet and that you're done with the partying/self-discovery scene and that you know what you want. If she knows that you are 100% sure of what you want and know what else is out there but decide it's not for you, she might feel easier about it.
I had the same issue with my parents. They eventually came around though. My mom has had horrible experiences with marriage (abuse, infedelity) and she didn't want me to get married EVER. She totally thought I was throwing away my life but by the end she was happy and waaeagerly helping me plan.
I'm so glad that there is someone else in this world sort of in my situation. My fiance and I have were only together for 6 months when he proposed and we talked about it before that. As soon as we started seeing each other, we just knew we wanted to get married. Everytime we talked about anything related to our views on kids and life, we agreed. I've been in long relationships before and they made me realize that if it wasn't right in the beginning, you're never going to make it right. He hasn't been in long relationships, I'm his longest but he says that to him, that means he never knew the right person. His grandmother told us we were getting married the first time she met me. But! Everytime I tell anyone how long we've been together I get that look like "Oh...." and then they ask if I'm sure we are getting married. My family didn't like it either and I'm seriously considering not inviting them to the wedding
To the original post: My advice is to just tell them that its your life. When I got engaged, my cousin (who got engaged just before me) and I were blasted by bad responses from our family at christmas (in front of our fiances, no less! So rude!) and my cousin finally said "Well, we had to grow up quickly so we feel like its right for us." and that basically shut them up. They aren't interested in the wedding and i've learned to not care about it.
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My FH and I aren't engaged yet, but we plan on becoming engaged next year in late summer or fall. I will be 19 or perhaps 20, and he'll be 23. When we get married, I'll be just shy of 21 and he'll be 24.
My mother is a firm believer that one should be finished with college, established in a career, and preferably at least 25 when one gets married (probably partly because she got married at 24 and her marriage failed). A few people on my father's side of the family got married at 18-20, but I'm not sure what he thinks about that. He recently told FH not to propose to me too soon, and he said it was because he (my father) wouldn't be able to afford to help pay for the wedding anytime soon. Since he just had a huge increase in his income, I figured by "soon" he meant anytime in 2011 or something, but I asked and he said we should wait 4 years.
My FH and I have had many, many discussions and prayed about our decision, and we know we're making the right decision for us. Waiting 4 years before even getting engaged is not going to happen, and with the job my FH has, we should be able to pay for most of the wedding ourselves anyway.
Anyway, my question is not whether we will be too young, but how we will go about announcing the news to my family (I think his family will be okay with it) when we get engaged. I'm afraid that instead of getting a congratulations from my mother, I will instead get a lecture about how I'm throwing my young adult life away.
If someone tries to tell me why I should wait a few more years, should I try to explain my decision? I'd like to so that people will understand our decision and be happy at our wedding instead of gossiping about how stupid we are during our vows, but I don't want to start an argument. Will I sound ignorant or arrogant if I just say something like, "Thank you for your concern, but we've made the right choice for us"?