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@rosy_s: I'm sorry to hear that everyone can't simply be happy for the two of you. That's got to be sooooo stressful.
For your MIL - I don't know the content of the fight, but I can't believe the MIL had the right to postpone the wedding. It seems you have a potential issue of "Mama's boy." - a husband who sides with or supports his mother over his fiance.
You didn't provide much detail so I dno't know - but at least, I would have a conversation with FH about being in this together, coming togethe.. and that the two of you are most important, ensuring MIL can't throw her weight around and cause interruptive drama again.
As for your mother, Maybe state that you can understand her concerns - but reiterate the the wedding is about you and FH, not his mom. A bride and a Groom, no third wheel. Try emphasizing that you love FH, his good traits and why you make good couple. The inlaws might have their hand in wedding planning, bt how much control are they goign to have over your daily life afterwards? The answer - however much FH lets them control him.
I think that you need to tell your mother that while you can choose the person you marry you cannot choose their family. Does she have any other issues with your FMIL or is it just that she doesn't like them?
Tell her to get over it and then you both need to sit down with your respective families and set some boundaries for the future.
OK just a clarification:
It was my mom who suggested postponing the wedding, not my MIL.
My mom is a PhD holder and has high positions in her work whereas his mom is a housewife who is not that educated. He on the other hand is super educated (top of his class in his Masters) with an amazing job that pays him a lot! My parents love him, they think he's amazing.
They just think that since his family is "naive" and that his mom has nothing to do with her life besides her children, that she's gona be giving me a hard time and be involved in our lives a lot. Mom likes her as a person but not as my MIL.
@rosy_s: What was the issue that you had with your FMIL that lead to the postponing of the wedding? If you don't mind sharing.
I think your mom is a tad bit right about your FMIL, but are YOU okay with it? Because if you are okay with it and feel that you can handle it than that's all that matters, not what your mom says.
Sounds to me like your Mom's worried about you getting hurt/ how your FMIL will treat you in the future. You wrote: "they don't think i can tolerate my mother in law and they think i can do better in terms of the family i'm marrying into." What do YOU think? Do you or your FI find her overbearing?
@rosy_s: That's a little harsh. It seems like your mom objects to your FMIL's education level. It seems akin to saying "Because your FMIL is poor, she will always hit you up for money."
Your FMIL can only be involved in your life to the level where you allow her to be. If you set boundaries, it's not like she's in a position to cross them. Have you tried telling your mom that you are a grown woman and this is one of those situations in life where you need to figure out how to set and enforce boundaries? Even if you tend to be non-confrontational, your mom isn't doing you any favors by insisting that you not learn how to stick up for yourself and your family.
I think your mom is trying to protect you, but isn't she committing the sin that she's accusing FMIL of?
Are your family from a particular culture? My family and my SO's families are very different too, and my parents know it. Though one time my mother said something about his family and I quickly shot her down. No-one has the right to look down on anyone else (granted, she had a horrific theatre/operation list and was tired and in a bad mood, but still). She's never said anything like that again, and makes an effort to talk to me about my SO and his family now. I think she thinks the same thing your mother does. My family are all highly educated (everyone is a doctor/scientist/works in business, with at least a Masters level education) and in his family, he's the first to go to college.
I know you're tired of having to defend your relationship, but they will not understand otherwise. As other Bees have said, your mum's main concern is how will your MIL treat you in the future. All I can suggest is stand up for your relationship to your family- you can choose who you settle down with, but not your family. In the end, our families are worried about our wellbeing and our welfare, they just have no idea how to express it in a better way at times. (At least that's what I tell myself!)
I had a similar problem. My parents HATE my mother in law (not without reason) and they focus on that negativity too much, and they brought it up a lot during the planning. They still have a lot of bitterness toward my husband's family that they sometimes reflect onto my husband as well. Bottom line, I try to ignore them. Family is VERY important to me and I want my family's approval for sure but this is my HUSBAND and I have too much love for him to let any of this poke holes in our relationship. Also, my mom has had bad experiences with marriage and wasn't fond of me tying the knot because of this, so I feel your pain about taking an unhappy mother dress shopping. I will say that she came around in the end. Don't let this squabble between the families ruin your happiness. Everyone will get over it eventually. You deserve to be happy with the one you love.
If you dont mind us asking, what is the issue that you had with your FMIL. That would help us understand your situation better before we try to offer you and advice.
I'm sorry you are going through this :(
I'm with you...cheer up though, I can' say it gets better, but you will start to let things go. I've learned I have to be concerned about my own agenda, sensitive to others, but in the end I'm going to do what makes me happy. My mom was a huge downer when I went dress shopping too. I think at first I expected nothing less of her and just thought "oh typical mom, finding someway to make me feel like poo" but it really started to hurt days later, I tihnk I cried for two weeks about it....but it's been a few months and It doesn't bother me anymore. My parents are no longer happy about my wedding..mom has said "can't wait til this is over" we can't agree on any of the details....it's all pretty common I think. Just take things day by day. You will have good weeks and bad ones. I have had a crappy last two weeks, but I do notice the most stressful periods come to an end sooner or later. I'm still repeating to myself "this too shall pass"...over and over when I think of the nightmare that has been this week with inviations and accomodations details.
Hang in there! I've really only heard from one bride who said her planning experience was some kind of dream. I really hate her now. lol.
First of all, I want to thank everyone for their advice. It really helps to see things and hear things in a different perspective.
The main issue that led to the huge fight is so silly! Theres a type of entertainement that we do in my country where this dancing troupe brings in the bride and groom to their reception. I hate this tradition, its not my style, i'm not that traditional and i just can never imagine myself going along with it, as well as my parents. My fiance knows that, and we decided to find something that's common ground between the two families. We decided to get a band that plays traditional music. THat way we eliminate the jumping twirling annoying dancers but we keep the music. All good. When we tell my MIL that, she says no I want the dancing troupe. My fiance suggested she goes with me to see the band (my fiance lives abroad, so he's not here for the planning). When we went she was very negative about it, was rude to the manager there. At some point she starts asking for something specific that I don't want, so i tell her that my fiance and I decided not to do that. She got offended how i said that and tells me: "then what am i doing here then?"
Three days later i discover that she is extremely upset with me because i was disrespectful to her and in an effort to make things better (and upon my FI request) i gave her a call, but she didn't answer me, three times! I got really upset then and i told my FI who yelled at his family for knowing that I called and never calling me back and screening my calls.
When we talked the next day (she called me), we get into a fight where I tell her that the decisions that me n FI take, no one gets involved in. And she tells me in my family everyone takes deicsions. So we got into a "boundaries" fight and we hang up on bad terms.
We were going to have a civil wedding 2 weeks from that incident (for paperwork purposes) but when my parents knew about this and they tell me that we can't have you getting married in this enviroment and mood. you are not on speaking terms with your fiance's parents and this is not how you should be feeling when you get married. I agreed with them, and we cancelled the civil wedding and my mom suggested we postpone the full wedding (due in August 2012). Things kept on escalating and causing problems between me and my fiance, but at the end we decided me n him to just fix things between us in the first place and figure out the rest as we go.
My dad was hospitalized a couple of days after and my MIL came to visit him in the hospital. This served as a "truce" maker. She kept visiting for the 10 days my dad was in the hospital and we were talking normally as if nothing happened. Things started getting better from there. We're back on normal behaviour now, i visit her once a week to have lunch at her place and its all fine.
I resumed my wedding plans but my mom doesn't seem to think its a good idea. She thinks that my mother in law is going to be hard to deal with, she's gona be interfereing a lot in our lives, that her lifestyle is different that our lifestyle. But what my mom isn't thinking of is that i wont be living with her! i'm living with my husband! plus what's more important than that, WE"RE NOT GONA BE IN THE SAME COUNTRY! my FI and I are moving to a different country a week after our wedding!
I'm not much of a talker, i don't talk about my emotions and feelings. Its not easy for me to go and talk to my mom about this. i get sad, cranky and angry on my own. not the best technique i know!!
I'm convinced my fiance is the one, i love him very much and we get along extremely well. I don't want things to ruin my happiness.
Your marrying the man, not his family. Ultimately, not liking a guys family is not enough reason not to marry him, IMO.
@rosy_s: I have a feeling we are in the same boat dear. I'm sorry that you are going through this and I completely understand. My mother has put a lot of negativity in my relationship with my fiance without me realizing and she did make comments about his mom and I would take them to him as if his mom did something wrong. It didn't help that his sister in law (not his own blood sister) was a huge problem because of her attitude and how she messed with things. I've learned to be respectful to my parents in the sense that I will let them say certain things and then walk away and leave it at that. The most important thing is though, not to tell your FI what your parents say about his parents or him, that can cause more problems between you. My FI when things would get bad would remind me that we should use each other as our own escapes to block out all the bad and just be in our own little happy world. I've had to learn to let go, I love my parents a lot but sometimes they just drive me up a freaking wall. Just be patient and always find a happy little world with your fiance and don't worry about the comments. My mom and I had it out before we went dress shopping bcecause I, for some reason, could not bring my 3 friends and grandma in the same visit even though the salon was an hour away and I couldn't go twice. Only to find out she never had the intention to go with me! My FI and I also wanted to get our civil marriage done early and she asked that it be pushed because of his "crazy" family and I kept blaming it only on them without realizing some of the problems were coming from her. I could go on forever ,but really at the end of the day, enjoy this time as much as you can and keep good friends around you. They can get your through anything :).
Again, I don't think your mom can say, "She'll be too involved in your life!" and at the same time insist that you don't get married. That's extremely hypocritical.
thegoogler88 has relaly good advice about not talking to your FI about how your parents feel. He doesn't need to go through life thinking that your parents don't want you to get married because of his mother. That sucks, it's not like he can control her.
If I were you, I would tell your parents you love your FI, they've raised you to be a strong woman, and this is a challenge that you are up to handling. He is worth this particular challenge and while you appreciate their support, they need to trust in you.
It sounds like you and FI love eachother, and that even though FMIL loves you guys she's annoying. But you have a point; you won't have to deal with her much. You'll be in a different country. And isn't it better that FMIL is annoying but loves you both as opposed to someone whose mother is hands off because she doesn't care?
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hi everyone,
this is my first post and i need some help.
in december i had a huge fight with my mother in law over some wedding detail which escalated to issues of respect and whatnot, which eventually led us to put the wedding on hold in order to sort things out between us. long story short, things got sorted and we're fine again and the wedding planning is back on.
however, my parents are now not happy at all with the marriage. they don't think i can tolerate my mother in law and they think i can do better in terms of the family i'm marrying into. they love my fiance, but they don't like his family.
this is causing so many problems for me. my mom keeps suggesting we postpone the wedding and whenever i mention my mother in law, she fires back with negative comments. we went dress shopping yesterday to see the dress that i liked, and i felt very down because i knew my mom wasn't' happy for me. this affected my mood, even the lady at the store told me that your mood is different from last time you tried on these dresses.
i don't feel happy about my wedding and i feel i lost support from my family and i'm all alone in this and i constantly have to defend my relationship.
i'm tired, i'm sad and unhappy about my upcoming wedding.
Note: i come from a very family oriented community and both my parents and my fiance are paying for the wedding.
how can i get myself out of this mood and be happy about my wedding again?