Parents Upset, No Longer Support the Engagement/Marriage?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

You’re a grown woman. If your parents want to throw a hissy over something like a tattoo, that’s their right, but there’s nothing that says you MUST abide by all their rules or decisions as an adult. Move out and move on. If your body art is more important to them than your relationship, so be it – invite them to the wedding but don’t entertain conversations about supporting vs. not supporting vs. who’s the blame. If they don’t come, so be it. As a mature adult, your marriage won’t hinge on their approval.

Post # 3
Member
3693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would find a sublet for the summer. Move out and live independently.

Post # 4
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June, 2014

I agree. Your parents are in the wrong here, not you. At 21 you’re a grown up and your parents no longer get to control your life. Find a reasonable place to rent or a friend with an extra bedroom for the summer and be happy. I’m sorry they’ve put you in this situation and I’m hoping things will calm down when they’ve had some time to process how minor this really is. 

Post # 5
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

coachhw:  All of this over a tattoo?  I would be quiet about the wedding and give some time for this to blow over.  Every time they bring any of it up, let them know you appreciate that they love you but you need some time off from the discussion (don’t say you’re thinking about their arguments because then they’ll think you’re second guessing your marriage.)

After a week or two sit them down and address their issues and point out that you haven’t done anything wrong or illegal.  Let them know what you told us which is that their relationship with you and your future children is dependent on them finding some middle ground where they can respect your FI and your relationship.  It can be difficult to explain to your parents that you’re an adult while living with them so it may be a good idea to consider frinding another living situation with your FI, a friend, roommates, whatever.

Post # 6
Member
1180 posts
Bumble bee

rachel85:  +10

Everything Rachel said. All this happening is because of their issues, not you. Calmly hand them back their issues and let them know how much involvement they have with you depends on how capable they are of respecting you as a grown woman who makes her own decisions.

Post # 7
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

As a mom, I have kids your age and I can’t even fathom doing that to any of my kids. It’s clear they have very old fashioned values and wished that you did too, but even I know it’s a different time and age, but I would suggest you approach them differently. 

The mom in my talking here, but I suggest using the method (Positive, negative, positive):

  1. Talk to your dad first since you said he is the most reasonable (and despite your issues you think your mom has). 
  2. Tell him you love them tremendously and appreicate everything they have and are doing for you, it means a lot to you that they gave FI thier blessing as you truly love him with all your heart and soul. (positive)
  3. Then move toward that although you love and respect how they feel, that you are grown adult and you will make choices on your own. Sometimes they will approve, sometimes they won’t, but you have and will make those choices and live with the consequences of them. 
  4. You understand they may not accept the tattoo and it was not FI’s choice, decision nor responisibilty to tell you what to do (Make that clear).
  5. End with that although you love them and appreciate what they are doing for you, wanting and allowing you to stay there, if they are not accepting of this or your engagement, that you WILL find somewhere else to move effective tomorrow. 
  6. You feel this will be a huge strain on your relationship and you hope in your heart they can find some understanding and will not have to resort to this. Ask that he talk to mom and get back to you.

I honestly feel that if you lay it out like that, being very adultlike but matter of factly, not raising your voice and being appreciative of all they have and do for you, that speaking with him individually, he might be able to see your point and talk some sense into your mom.

My ex was bipolar and did that alot so I get where you are coming from. You have to approach them rationally and factually and stand firm. 

Good luck, honey. I know it’s hard. (((hugs)))

Post # 8
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Move out. Your parents are over reacting. 

Post # 9
Member
5228 posts
Bee Keeper

coachhw:  Are your parents from a different country/culture? I just find their behavior really OTT. And the thing about your FI “letting you” get the tattoo makes me think they come from a culture where women are very submissive to their husbands(Not that I am judging that….my husband HATES tattoos, and that is part of why I don’t have more than I do…not because he won’t “let” me, but because I feel like he does have a say in what I do to my body and I respect his opinion)? 

I think you definately need to move out and see if this blows over. If they are still dead set on you getting married, then elope. I know it probably isn’t what you dreamed of for your wedding day, but it can still be beautiful and a lot less drama!

Post # 10
Member
6034 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

good for you for standing up for yourself and your Fi. But unfortunately, in their house, you have to play by their rules, and as long as you’re under their roof, they’ll not only keep reminding you of their rules (and all the places where you broke them), but they’ll continue to see you as a dependent child. Move out. Pay for your own place. Pay for your own wedding. Plan it yourself. Be civil with them but keep your fiancé in your relationship with your parents. but you need to stand fully on your own two feet if you want them to get used to the idea of you having your own life.

Post # 11
Member
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

It’s their house they can bitch and pretty much set “rules” which is why everyone leaves.  If you don’t like it all …. move out and don’t count on their money for your wedding.  Use your savings that’s what its there for… you know when you need it. 

Post # 12
Member
7410 posts
Busy Beekeeper

coachhw:  I actually think the tattoo is just the straw that broke the camels back. It sounds like they never supported your relationship and this has just been bubbling up inside of them. They may also fel like since they don’t support your choices that they shouldn’t be financing your life this summer so you can save for (I presume) the wedding. 

I am not condoning their actions but they may be feeling like they are between a rock and a hard place. They don’t want to see their daughter out on the street but they don’t want to support your choices either. You have to give them props that they were able to be adult and allow you to stay with them even though they didn’t support your choices.

The fact is they are “blaming” your FH because they don’t want to blame you. They would rather be upset with with than you. they would rather have no relationship with him than you. I think they know deep down that your choices are your choices but their parental love overrides that commonsense.

I also think it was immature of you to say that unless they accept your FH they will never see you or any future grandchildren. Especially after they said they wanted a relationship with you either way. They are under no obligation to “like” or “love” your FH- that is your job. As long as they respect that you two will be together and are civil then that should be the end of it.

As for your mother being mentally ill. I don’t necessarily believe that. It might be the pressure she is under from your husband and the competing thoughts in her head as a mother to both admonish and love you.

Are you parents religious? 

Post # 13
Member
1168 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

They will likely change their minds. I would give it time but also distance myself. Id move out and stop talking to them for a while. It doesnt sound like youll be able to talk it out right at this point in time with them. Maybe later in the week or in a few weeks… 

Post # 14
Member
1535 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

So, I had a somewhat similar situation happen to me and FI (then BF).

One year into our relationship (21 years old), I got a tatyoo on my calf. It is my cats paw, and my cats initials (living and deceased), so it’s obviously meaningful to me. My parents are fine with it, but FMIL flipped out. When she found out, she was up all night crying about it. I wasn’t aloud at their house for 3 months because of it (at the time FI lived there), so he always had to come over to my place. There were also arguments with FMIL and FI about how FI let me do it. I later told FFIL that I would have still done it even if he didn’t want me too because IT’S MY BODY! She was also upset because it would mean that her future grandkids would think that it’s okay to have tattoos……..

Anyways….that was 6 years ago. I still try and cover my tattoo whenever I’m around her if it’s possible. It was extremely awkward for a long time, but now she’s pretty much over it.

I hope things with your family calm down. I would move out if you can, but probably try to still include them in the wedding if they get over it or you might regret it

Post # 15
Member
564 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

coachhw:  

Well, they are definitely overreacting. Although I don’t know how you expected to hide your tattoo from them forever with it being on the back of your neck- it’s not exactly a private area and that’s exactly the reason why a friend of mine has a tattoo on her ass (so her mom will never see it) but I digress.

I suppose you knew how anti-ink your parents were? You are an adult, and it is none of their business if you want to get an entire sleeve of tattoos. Really? They kicked you our over that? You are an adult and they have to respect you (and your choices) whether or not they agree with them.

Like PPs I think your parents will eventually get over it. However, perhaps at home is not the healthiest place for you to be living- if you can swing living elsewhere, I’d do it.

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