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I actually VAGUELY remember someone posting about this issue a long, long time ago. I'm going to go look for it. It was nearly the exact same situation with the bride's chinese parents taking all the money...i believe the groom was american? *hunting*
aaah! I honestly have nothing to offer but I'm so sorry this situation happened. I *hope that this is a cultural norm and I'm not cringing for nothing. hugs:)
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/chinese-tradition-brides-parents-keep-the-cash
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/who-keeps-gift-money-in-chinese-wedding
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/parents-are-keeping-part-of-wedding-gift-is-it-ok
seems like it has happened before!
WOW. Just WOW. Trust me I understand what you mean. My mom was insistent on me having a traditional engagement party "thrown" by her aka "Aubergold I need your money to throw you an engagement party even though I will tell everyone Im hosting it" I had to shut that down real quick.
Im so sorry this happened to you. It's really not fair.
I'm not Chinese, but this is just bizarre to me! I'm really sorry that happened. Me and my parents would definitely be having words if they, what I consider to be, stole all that money from me.
Were the gifts actually made out to your parents or to you and your husband? I don't know the culture. But were you okay with letting them actually take all of your gifts? Is this the norm for weddings in that culture? I know I wouldn't let anyone else take all of my envelopes, for instance. Or was it that you had found out that you would be paying for the dinner with your monetary gifts and were okay with them taking them at the banquet?
Just seems so unfair.
@jayce: I'm not Chinese and know nothing about the culture but this is just wrong. I agree its not worth starting an argument over but...sheesh. I'm sorry.
This is something that is very foreign to be, but clearly is the norm in your culture. I'm really sorry this is something you have to deal with, and hopefully, you won't be doing this with your children since you saw how much it hurt you when your parents did it to you. It just doesn't seem fair! I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this!
I'm sorry but this seems very wrong in my opinion. I mean what's done is done but I would have been clear that I would not accept a party if they're going to use what the guests gave as payment.
I agree with each post prior to mine. I am not familiar with those customs but it just doesn't seem right to me. Those guests gave you and your husband money for you to use and have as a married couple. Essentially, the guests paid their own way to the party.
If it's their cultural tradition, than I guess I don't have much to say about that. Who am I to say that some other culture's traditions are wrong or bad?
That said though... what gets me is that you didn't even want this party. THEY wanted to throw the party, so imo they should have had to front the costs for it. By using monetary wedding gifts that were meant for the couple to pay for the party they essentially had you pay for a party you didn't even want. :\
@ejs4y8: Thanks for digging up those threads for me. It's interesting to read the perspective of Chinese bees who are more familiar with the culture. I was born in Canada and grew up with mostly "Western" friends, and came to view many aspects of Chinese culture as really ridiculous. So while I see now that my parents taking the gifts was pretty customary, I still don't understand it!
@PinkMagnolia: I'm writing all the thank you notes. I googled "thank you note for money gifts" and most of the pages suggested that it's nice to tell the gift giver what their money will be used for, like, "Thank you so much for your generous gift. We are really enjoying the set of cookware we purchased with it, and will think of you every time we use them!"
I thought, what am I supposed to say?! "Thank you for your generous gift, which went toward making my parents' bank account whole again." jk, I would never write that! I wrote that we'd be putting their gift toward savings for our first home, which I guess is true, since we did receive some of it.
@luckyprincess: I don't know! We didn't really have a choice in the matter. My parents planned the whole thing, and then it was kind of like, "By the way, we're taking the money." I didn't even find out about that part of the plan until my sister called me. The next day my dad called to find out if my sister said anything to me, then gave me some vague explanation about how they would never take all my money. I didn't want to fight with him, so I just said fine, okay. I felt really conflicted and didn't even want to be a part of the banquet anymore, but my parents had already planned and booked everything and I didn't want the drama of cancelling the party and embarrassing my parents in front of their friends.
I was so disappointed that what I thought was a lovely gesture from my parents turned out to be a carefully calculated monetary transaction. But I'm used to them doing this kind of thing based on past events, so I guess I just accepted it. When I was a kid and I got money for my birthday, instead of taking me to a toy store and letting me pick something out, my mom took it. All of it. Lol, can you tell I'm still bitter?
My mom threw away all my lucky red envelopes, which right now I am the most upset about. I wanted to save those as keepsakes, maybe to put in a scrapbook later, and she didn't even think about that. She just tore them open to get the money out and tossed them in the trash.
Thanks for all your support! It's good to know I'm not crazy, at least from a non-asian perspective!
I think this is one of those cultural things (maybe a little bit similar to a southern bride's mom planning the entire wedding?) that happens, is unpleasant for somebody, and then it is that somebody's decision whether they will continue or break the cycle.
It kind of sucks for the one doing the breaking, because you get the short end of both sticks (i.e. to break this cycle you would have to pay for your child's reception out of your own pocket, even though your mom didn't pay for yours).
I'm Chinese - albeit British Chinese, but this is out of line. I grew up in China, and know almost everything there is to know about 'saving face'.
The red envolopes are traditionally used to pay for a 'banquet' - but since you eloped, it's *almost* understandable that they want one. but this is just WOW, shouldn't your mum at least let you do the hosting and invite your/your DH's/his family/'s friend?! Because by NOT hosting, they are NOT being left out....
Have you ever sat your parents down and talked to them about it? Have you told them the reason for elopement? - what did they say? This is ultimately you and your DH's life/relationship/wedding/marriage.
I know I am westernised too, to me, it's like..... who the hell care what these strangers think.....
It's hard to go against your parents, so I can understand what kind of bind this puts you in. I don't know - if all the guests in attendence intended their gifts to be for your parents to pay for the party (since it's a Chinese custom and they're Chinese, right?) then maybe it's not so bad. You didn't have to pay for the dinner, that would have made things really unfair. But if the gifts were intended to cover your parents costs and you didn't have to contribute then you can look at it as a fun celebration with your extended Chinese family.
I normally try to look at the bright side of things! I mean it does still suck that you could have had over $5K in your pocket, I know we're all young and struggling financially, but in your parents mind the $ went towards a good cause and hopefully that now puts you on some kind of pedestal in their minds.
My hubby is Cambodian, and my understanding was that all the monetary gifts from his side of the family/friends were given under the premise of helping pay for the banquet (in our case, the reception). Even to the extent that many of them decide how much to give that night based on how good they think the food, music, etc. are. His parents collected all of those gifts for us, tallied them up, and told us who the big gifts were from. We were not expected to send thank you notes. His parents explained that it's almost like their gifts are really a 'family' gift, also in acknowledgement of gifts my hubby's parents have given at other people's weddings - does that make any sense? The gift money was ours to use, but we paid for most of the wedding ourselves, so those gifts basically paid the catering bill.
Based on my experience, I think the general idea of your parents actions is common in Asian culture. However, I think it was insensitive that you weren't able to read or save the cards or your red envelopes. It also would have been nice for your parents to explain their ideas behind the gifting money to you while planning the banquet. But, if you hadn't had the banquet, you wouldn't even have the remaining $1500, and maybe some/most of those guests wouldn't have sent you gifts without having the banquet, so keep your chin up about that :) But I know the lost money isn't the real point of frustration.
I don't think it's only Chinese tradition, but it's also in Vietnamese tradition as well. Whoever pays for the wedding get to keep the gift (cash) to pay for the bills. Sometimes, when parents are wealthy enough to pay for the wedding and don't need the recoup, they will let the bride and groom keep the gifts.
What I don't agree on is that after the bills have been paid and there was $1,500 left over and they didn't give it to you.
Also about the "stupid rule" you mentioned above (cover the cost of your plate), just let it go. While you might not care about it so much, in asian culture (from what I've known) it is a common rule. I've heard people complain about their guests not covering their plates, or not invite someone because that person might not practicing the rules. Since your mom is traditional, that rule might be important to her.
@MerryC: "His parents explained that it's almost like their gifts are really a 'family' gift, also in acknowledgement of gifts my hubby's parents have given at other people's weddings - does that make any sense?"
Yes, that definitely rings a bell with regard to Chinese culture. During my sister's argument with my dad, he said something to the effect that they were "owed" this money from our guests, due to the money that my parents had gifted other people's children over the years. It makes sense, but to me it's phony and not what gift giving should be about. It's false generosity based on the expectation of payback. I guess that's what leaves such a bad taste in my mouth. Sorry, it makes me grumpy to think about it.
"But, if you hadn't had the banquet, you wouldn't even have the remaining $1500, and maybe some/most of those guests wouldn't have sent you gifts without having the banquet"
Yes, I thought of that too... so maybe my parents did us a favor afterall. Thanks for helping me see the brighter side of it, and @moderndaisy: too. :)
@cutexkitty: To clarify, they did give the leftover money to us, which I thanked them for.
WOW! i'm married to a chinese man and his *fairly* traditional parents threw us a chinese banquet in CA since many of their friends/coworkers couldn't come to the wedding in DC - it ended up being about 60 people. they definitely didn't keep any of our gifts! or ask how much we got or what we got or anything! they collected the red envelopes when guests walked in and handed them directly to us. i can't imagine your situation being the "norm" but what can you really do about it? at least they gave you what was left i guess....
I live in Korea, and this is still common here. In fact, if I am going to a wedding where my friend is the Korean (not an expat friend marrying a Korean), I will give money directly to the Korean instead of at the money table just in case. My Canadian friend's' MIL took all the money from his Korean wife's relatives/friends even though the couple had paid for everything. The idea is that your parents raised you and should be getting something in return on your wedding. But since the majority of guests were on her side, they lost out on a lot of wedding gifts.
In our case (I'm Canadian, he's Korean), we kept most of the money (and paid for everything), but my inlaws threw a dinner for some close relatives and then asked for money to cover the cost of the dinner. Basically, our Korean aunts and uncles had to be 'compensated' for coming to the wedding by being treated to a dinner. It was upsetting to me because my own Canadian aunts and uncles have the mindset that they are helping us to start a new life by contributing to that life, but that's not how everyone sees it here.
Being totally American this sounds really weird to me, but from a keeping the peace standpoint I probably wouldn't say anything. If it is all their friends coming, that is money you probably wouldn't have seen otherwise. If they want to throw a dinner for their friends and pay for it with the friends' gifts... meh. I'd probably just let it go :)
It may seem like an underhanded move by your parents. But think of it this way... they wanted to have a formal party for your wedding. They probably would rather you have had a big wedding. Although weddings highlight the bride and groom... they are as much of a celebration for the family as well. So honestly, I don't think it's wrong for them to choose to throw you a party instead of giving you more presents. A gift is a gift... your parents are generous in the first place for saying they would give you $5,000. So accept the $1,500 that was left over and be happy about it. Think of it this way, you didn't want a big wedding for certain reasons, so you eloped. And now your parents are calling the shots so that THEY can celebrate your marriage. You don't get to tell them who to invite or how much to spend. You already had your say for your wedding.
I hope this doesn't sound too mean. I just want you to look at it from their perspective as well. Everyone loves money and gifts, but we're not entitled to them.
I'm Korean and we have that same 'tradition'. It's not really a tradition though, like bamm said it's just the norm. Getting eloped is almost on the same level as living together out of wedlock, it's considered disrespecting your family. You didn't give them a chance to show off your family. So part of throwing a big party was likely to "save face".
I was born and raised in America, but my ceremony will be in Korea. We're paying for everything ourselves, but any gifts will be going to my grandparents (my grandfather is still the head of household). I can understand how it's hard to swallow for Americans, my FH still doesn't understand why our money is being "confiscated" lol.
I'm chinese and grew up in Canada, and the taking of the lucky money(by parents) is not a norm around here. I do admit that some couples do take the red envelope money and use it to pay for their reception but they usually at least get to take it home and count it up, etc.
I can see why your parents threw you a reception since eloping is not very accepted in asian cultures, but i'm sorry your parents basically took your gifts to pay for something you didn't even ask for.
I'm Chinese and pretty westernized. I actually don't see a problem with what happened. In every culture (Chinese and otherwise), a wedding is a chance for the family to celebrate. It's a big event. By eloping, you took that opportunity away from your parents. I'm sure on some level, they were disappointed and hurt by your decision. If you have pretty typical Chinese parents, they probably spent a lot of time and energy and money raising you, making sure you went to a good college, paying for violin lessons, blah blah blah, other typical Asian stuff. Sure - we never asked for all of this stuff, but you can't deny that our parents have good intentions, they do the best that they can, and speny a lot of time, energy, and effort trying to raise us right.
Marriage is like a celebration that they raised their kid right - look at how grown up and beautiful she is! Look at the nice man she's marrying! I thought about eloping myself to avoid all the hassle of marrying, but I realized that eloping is really hard on the family. It makes them feel excluded from your life. So we're jumping through the hoops and drama of planning a formal wedding. It's not just a Western thing to have the wedding be all about the bride and groom. It's a unique This Generation thing (i.e. the Me generation). If you look at other cultures (Greek, Italian, Middle Eastern, Puerto Rican etc.) - the wedding is much more a family event as well. But I digress.
Your parents probably threw a banquet because that's their way of celebrating you and your entrance into adulthood. Think of it as a giant send-off party. From your parents point of view, they probably don't understand why you're upset. You didn't want the party anyways, so they coughed up the cash for it because they want to celebrate, but now all of a sudden, you want all the gifts just for showing up? This means your parents are doubly out of luck. They were denied the formal chance of celebrating your wedding, tried to make up for it with a banquet, are out the cash they paid for it, and you still make off with all the goods.
My advice? Even if it leaves a bad taste in your mouth, I'd let it go. Don't think of it as "MY gifts." When you eloped, you forfeited the right to wedding gifts. Think of it as a party that your parents threw because they wanted a chance to show off what a wonderful daughter they raised and how happy they are that you're all grown up. They're proud of you. If they weren't, they wouldn't want a party to show you off to their friends. So what if you didn't want it? Humor them a bit, it's your mom and dad. Make them happy. It's no skin off your nose to show up, eat a delicious Chinese banquet, and smile while your mom boasts about your myriad of accomplishments. Being Chinese, they can't help but want to recoup some of the costs.
It would've been nice if any gifts beyond the cost of the banquet had gone to you. But at the same time - I can see how your parents would feel entitled to the profits since you probably weren't a small investment (kids are expensive), and you reaped the benefits and life opportunities that their investment afforded you. Perhaps your mom feels like she should keep the profits because she's still a little upset about the elopement? Either way, I'd probably just let it go. You don't want to get into an argument about who owes who money - you'll never win that one (trust me, I tried. Once they pull the "I paid for your college tuition card" - it's over). Your parents have done a lot for your over the past years. Are you really going to begrudge them a few thou?
p.s. for the record, I see no problem with eloping and can totally understand the appeal of it as I still consider eloping myself at least 3 times per day during this wedding planning fiasco.
p.p.s. just reread the thread - I see that your parents DID give you the extra money. Bravo! You didn't even have to pay anything yourself for the banquet. Show up, eat a nice chinese meal, and cha ching! instant free $1500! Why so upset?
Here is what I learned as a Twinkie, CBC, Banana Bride:
The problem with Chinese monetary gifts (lai gum/lai see/red pockets) is that they are often addressed to the parents of the couple getting married. I too was under the assumption that the money was for US. It turns out that they money goes to the parents and they distribute it as they see fit. Luckily for us, both sets of parents gave us the entire amount. However mum informed me that there may be instances that they would "return" a portion of the gift.
Confused? I was! Example: My auntie gave us a $3000 gift, I was floored, I did not expect a gift seeing as they had travelled from half way around the world to attend and certainly not one of that size. Turns out that mum and dad often "returned" half or three-quarters of the gift to the giftee.
However, it is also noteworthy that in the Chinese culture one should "profit" from weddings meaning that your gifts should be going to the cost of the banquet.
In the original post the banquet held post destination wedding was totally a face thing however I disagree with the comandeering of the gifts. What if you hadn't held a destination wedding would the parents have done the same thing? 
Oy Vey! Good luck!
I'm from Sngapore but I grew up here, so I understand how you feel. But I mostly agree with what Beluga wrote.
Personally, we had a Western/Church wedding and reception, and months later, a banquet for my half of the family. We paid for everything ourselves, so our parents didn't take any of the red envelopes. However, it is the norm for Chinese/Asian parents to pay for the wedding, so the red envelopes are also typically given to the parents. It makes sense right? They hosted, so they got the (monetary) gifts. Besides, it is not in our culture to register for gifts.
The covering the plate rule...that's really common in our culture. Ours is a very reciprocal culture. Your parents probably live by that reciprocal rule just like my parents. In fact, your parents probably attended many of their friends' kids weddings and gave generously, and expect the same in return.
I think you're weirded out only because you're not too aware of the cultural norm and also because your sister's reaction. Asian cultures put the highest value on the concept of family unit and filial piety. Western cultures value individualism. At the end of it all, you got the elopement you wanted, your parents got to host a (super-small-by-asian-standard) banquet that they wanted, and you ended up with $1.5k of surprise money. I say, think of it as a cultural learning experience, thank your parents and go treat yourself with the extra windfall! :)
ooh, just read this thread and I am curious what will happen after our chinese banquet!
I am in the same boat. I tried to talk to my mother about it. Key word talk about how it doesn't make sense she should profit a dime considering she's too broke to pay for anything for the wedding it's all coming out of my pocket. I'm an ABC and my guy is Caucasian. I want to keep tradition but not this scam. It would be different if my parents would contribute something. I dont understand how she can't see that she doesn't deserve any of the money/gifts. She said she raised me and is getting reimbursed. Really? I'm pretty sure I raised my damn self while you worked night and day.
Ugh! I am so sorry that happened to you. It sounds like a cutural norm, but certainly not justified by any means!
That sickens me! And it hits pretty close to home. My cousin got married last year and her parents solicited (yes, solicited!!! all the rest of us to give HUGE monetary gifts). Yeah, her bitch of a mother has a way of words... Anyway a lot of people ended up giving in excess of $1000 and some did excess of $5000-$10,000!!!!!!
Did the girl see it after the wedding? Just a couple hundred bucks. The parents used the rest to pay the bills for the wedding and pocketed the rest. OMG!!!!! 
It makes my rage! I am glad my parents are not like that but it still hurt ME like a b*tch to see my cousin go through that. She just tries to keep some sort of ties with her parents. She hates them. (She always did. Which is why she rushed to get married in the 1st place!)
Ditto @belugawhale.
OP, I can understand where you're coming from, but I look at it this way (not in a Asian versus Westernized sense) - all my grandparents passed away at a young age. I grew up knowing that my mom and her sisters regret not spending more time with their parents because they thought they had time left, not that they could have anticipated the cancers. My parents had me at age 41. God forbid, should they leave me behind at an early age, I would do anything for them to nag at me even about stupid stuff like who didn't give enough money at my wedding. You're getting married. How much more time do you really have with them? (not to be depressing ...)
From what I saw growing up, my parents always gave enough to cover each person's plate. Even if they didn't end up attending the wedding. They never gave the red envelope to the bride or groom, and always to the parents. This money was meant to pay for the banquet because it is a celebration. It's a celebration for you, but for many of the elders, it's a celebration for your parents because they are your parents friends. Many parents peek inside right away to count the bills . I didn't know whether or not the bride or groom got the money, but I did know that they were informed of how much each family gave by their parents. This is because after peeking into the red envelopes, their parents would whisper in their ears, and when they came around to all the tables, they would thank so and so ah-yi and soo-soo for the red envelope money.
When you were a child, did you get your red envelope money? Or did your parents take it from you? I used to hate it when my parents did that until I grew up and realized where that money was going. It went into feeding me, clothing me, paying for all the lessons that I wanted to take, and my private school education. I don't mean this in a, my parents took money from me in return for giving me all this stuff, but in a, this money helped my parents out in letting me do the things I wanted to do. They just didn't tell me that because they didn't want me to worry about the financial burdens my education put them through.
I don't expect to get the money. I want my parents to keep it because they're getting old. They don't have the same job opportunities as I do because of age. They deserve to retire and live peacefully. I'm saving every cent I can right now, and putting off grad school so I don't have to ask them for help paying for the wedding. Whatever money family friends give them when I get married, I want them to keep it because it is xi shi for them that their child is getting married. And I want them to use it in their retirement so they can do the things they want to do. They gave me everything I wanted and encouraged me to do the things I wanted to do, and if my wedding money can do that for them in their old age, then I'd be really happy.
@Shlieka: I found your post really touching! :) Agreed. (As a child I never expected to keep my red packets -- what would I have done with the money? My parents paid for everything!)
This is a pretty old thread and OP has probably got over it by now, but the red packets are really meant to pay for the banquet. I think it was fair that they went towards that, and that the amount left over went to OP. If I blame her parents for anything it's that they a) shouldn't have forced a banquet on OP if she didn't want them (but it was obviously really important to them, so I'd just let it go) and b) they should have taught OP better about the customs.
It does seem ungracious to me to say, "I don't want this Chinese wedding banquet, with all its attendant traditions" and then to turn up to the banquet and expect to keep the gifts, contrary to those traditions!
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My DH and I eloped for our wedding. One of the reasons we did was to avoid the headache of having a big Chinese wedding where half the guests would be distant Chinese relatives and acquaintances of my parents. Asian bees, you know what I'm talking about!
My parents, insistent on having a party of some kind, planned a smaller dinner banquet for about 40 guests when we got back. All 40 guests were family or friends of my parents. None of my friends or DH's friends were even considered. Whatever, that's fine. My parents were paying for it, so they can invite whoever they want.
But then my sister found out that my parents were planning to recoup all the expenses of the banquet by deducting money out of our gifts. My sister was furious and had a fight with my parents about it. My sister thought it was crazy to throw a party in someone's honor and then claim their gifts as compensation. She felt like they were using my marriage as an excuse to throw an extravagant party and show off to everyone, without having to pay a dime of their own.
I was a little disappointed, but I tried to look at it more from the Chinese perspective... these were all people who would have given gifts anyway, but maybe my parents needed to "save face" by treating them to a nice dinner before accepting their gifts. At this point I tried not to care about it anymore. My greatest fear was that my mom would get carried away with spending on the banquet and the gifts would come up short. Then I'd have to listen to my parents complain endlessly about how so-and-so is such a cheapskate, etc. They can hold a grudge for freaking forever.
In then end, the bill for the dinner came to about $5000. There was $1500 left over from the gifts for DH and me after my parents took their share (that didn't stop my mom from complaining about a few of the guests who didn't cover their >$100 plates... don't get me started on that stupid "rule"). We never even got to see the gifts, my mom took them all home after the dinner and opened all of our wedding cards and lucky red envelopes herself.
DH and I were left feeling kind of icky about the whole thing. Is this normal in Chinese culture? Are my sister and I just too Westernized to understand? DH and I would never say anything to my parents now (not worth opening that can of worms), but I just want to know if we're crazy for feeling a little weirded out by it.