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I'm really sorry, cama. It sounds like you had everything figured out and then - BAM! - you get your first taste of interference.
I have very strong feelings about parents (or anyone else) overstepping the line and insisting on this, that and the other for YOUR wedding. Even if they offer to pay, I still don't feel that buys them carte blanche to call the shots. And if they're not paying, then WTF?
However, I realize that family dynamics are what they are and you may feel it's more important to work with your parents' wishes than to fight them on it. If that's the case, then as far as compromises go I think what your parents suggested sounds reasonable (church ceremony + finger food, followed by a small dinner reception afterward).
BUT, I would insist that if you make this huge compromise in how your wedding day plays out, that they help cover the added expense of doing it their way. Should your father still insist they can't help financially, then you have an easy exit by saying, "Then you'll understand that we, too, have financial limitations and can't afford anything beyond our original plan."
Good luck, cama!
Oh, and by the way, I wouldn't count on making any sort of profit from cash gifts!
this is so tough, im sorry for your dillema! but i do agree with million that you shouldn't count on getting a return on your investment...
not that your wedding day is about money, but it kind of is. if you dont have the desire to spend what would be required to make your parents happy, then you simply shouldn't. tell your parents you're sorry, but this is what you want for your wedding day, BUT that you'd be happy to attend a family party later on should your parents wish to throw you one. or hold a bbq when you get back from your honeymoon?
definitely be tactful...but speak your mind. do what makes you and you FI happy. good luck!
I'm sorry, but it is definintely not okay for them to DEMAND that you double your budget and then tell you they can't pay for it. You're being smart about this, not wanting to go into debt. Million's reply to your dad of "Then you'll understand that we, too, have financial limitations and can't afford anything beyond our original plan" is perfect and pretty much shuts down any argument. If they can't afford to help you and they're much more established/ older than you, why should you be expected to cover their demands?
See above. I completely agree with KMSull. She took the words right out of my mouth.
Are your parents actually suggesting that you invite 200 people to the church ceremony, feed them appetizers and then send half of them home, while inviting the other half to dinner? This is completely inappropriate and a serious breach of etiquette - if you invite guests to the ceremony, you must invite them to the reception. Otherwise, your guests will sit in the church before (and possibly during) the ceremony gossiping about how greedy you and your FI are to invite people to get gifts and speculating about why they didn't make the cut.
By paying for your own wedding, you are buying your freedom. You should have your wedding whenever you want, and invite whomever you want.
My parents contributed significantly to the wedding, and our gifts didn't even cover the portion of the wedding my FI and I paid for - so I wouldn't count on the gifts making up the difference.
what an awful position to be in! so sorry. In your case though- with no offer of financial help it seems totally unreasonable for your parents to ask you to go into debt on their behalf. Take a deep breathe, take a day or two, and then calmly explain to your parents the vision of your wedding you have and the budget you're working with to make it possible. IF (and only if) you're truly comfortable with changing your plan then maybe ask what they are expecting from your day and if they are willing to offer you money to bridge the gap between your expectations and theirs. If they say no then (calmly) say that you really are doing the best you can and can only realize your specific goal in NYC. Then go home and punch your pillow or scream really loud! lol. parents are so frustrating sometimes
You pay, your way. I think you politely say that you can't double your budget and that you and your FI are quite happy with your wedding plans. Then change the subject. If they want to have a party with 200 of their friends, tell them you'll be happy to attend, but you're not hosting.
I agree with all the posters-- just say no! You can't send half the guests home without seriously being rude anyway-- so this is both a financial issue and an etiquette issue. Good luck!
Do you communicate with your parents over email? Since you're not comfortable with confrontation, I would start the NOs over email. Write them a note explaining all your reasonings. That way, they won't be able to argue you out of it, or cut you off halfway through.
Don't back down. You don't want to start your marriage with debt.
I agree that your parents are being unreasonable here. Families can get so worked up about weddings and don't always realize how much stress they're causing! I'm sorry! That being said, if you would like to think about inviting their friends to a church ceremony, here's some information for you:
The Community Church of New York requests an $800 fee to rent its hall of worship before 4 pm. You could also rent their assembly hall and serve refreshments there. They say it's big enough for 150 seats, but if you had a short gathering, you could probably avoid having chairs for everyone. It's $500 if you have the event before 4 pm. That's a little bit more than $1000, but I think you may be able to negotiate the cost, since they say these are the "requested" contributions. http://www.ccny.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=91&Itemid=120
Ugh I'm dealing with a similar thing.... my mom's ideas for the wedding are just way out of our budget. I think that not going into debt is super smart and that is our goal as well. I just explained to my mom that I care about the wedding but as long as I end up married I did it right... and I'd rather start my MARRIAGE off right because all this is about more than a wedding. That at least made my mom pause on the expensive suggestions for the time being... but who knows how it will work in the long-run. Good luck!!
This is a tough situation, but I think you need to stand your ground and make decisions that you and FI feel comfortable with. I think I would tell them that you can spend $7,000 on the wedding if they want something different, they need to help out financially.
I know this is easier said than done. My parents are giving us a set amount of money for the wedding. We have budgeted for 130 guests, but my Mom wants more. I talked to her the other day and told her that we could not bring more money to the table, so she would have to if she wanted more guests. She said no, and I had to put a few more people on the B list.
For our DW wedding we wanted something small and then both sets of parents told us that we needed to invite so & so, and we told them flat out, "we're paying for this wedding and its not in our budget!" So their comeback, "we'll pay for them!" So that worked out for us, but really, we were happy it was a smaller number, but at least they said they were willing to help us out!
In your case, I would clearly tell them like it is, you don't have the money, so you can't do it! Where do they think this "new" cash flow is gonna come from...a tree!?!
WHOA! What?! Your parents are acting like children. I'm sorry. Someone had to say it. If they can't understand why you want a smaller wedding and be happy for you, that's pretty sad. Who cares that you're the oldest and the first to get married? What, are you supposed to set the stage? I would tell them to back up the gravy train! No way! Hubby and I are doing our entire ceremony on less than 5K. It can be done. It just takes work. Hang in there, this won't be the last time someone tries to tell you what to do with YOUR wedding. :( We're here for you!
Guys, I'm at work and your responses have almost made me cry. Thank you so much for your support! In response to everyone who said don't count on making a profit -- thanks for the good advice! I would NEVER try to do that.
@AutomneMariee: You are so sweet! Thanks for sending the link.
Currently, we're going to check out this restaurant that caters for an amazingly reasonable price. This would enable us to expand our guest list to about 150 and only go over our budget by $150. However, we'd have to find a separate venue to rent out. I am going to present this information to my parents and ask them to pay for the venue (or at least 75% of it) if they want to proceed. I genuinely want to make them happy and involve them in this process. Its not their fault they cannot afford to help us have the lavish wedding they're envisioning. In our culture, it is customary to have hundreds of people at your wedding banquet (I DO NOT agree with this!) and I think they feel sad they can't have that. Also, as I mentioned before, I have very little backbone when handling my parents -- they really know how to guilt trip. I felt sooo bad last night, I could hardly sleep. It was the first thing I could think about when I woke up this morning.
It was so good to hear your stories, beehive. Sometimes you just feel so alone in things, you know?
Has anyone expanded their budget/guestlist for their parents but without their financial help?
No, it's not their vault they can't afford to help you out, but it's also not fair to make demands of YOUR wedding and not lend a finger. They may feel sad about it, but ultimately it is your day, sweetie. If you are crying now over this, it will eat you up and you don't want to have a big wedding that you regret later, just to make other people happy.
Maybe there is a middle ground with your parents?
Personally, we paid for our own wedding and we did not make the concessions other people asked us to make. Our money, our call. We had a budget and we stuck to it. I would not expact my budget/guestlist for my parents' desires without their financial assistant.
I feel that asking others to shell out money they don't really have is really quite selfish. Maybe try to appeal to a different side of your parents--one that doesn't involve the cultural stigmas. It's simply not right.
And i hate to say it, but it starts with the wedding. You need to grow a backbone because if you don't, it'll only get worse over time. It will be hard for your SO to deal with too.
Just make sure you aren't compromising too much or you won't be happy. I hate when people are unhappy with their own weddings. The best thing we ever did was say "NO" to my parents about the wedding THEY wanted us to have.
Another voice saying that if they want you to spend more then they should pay for it. $7000 is a heck of a lot of money. If they haven't got that amount lying around to spend on a wedding, then why should you?
You have budgeted for what you want and can afford, therefore spend that amount. Don't get pressurised into spending more.
Yes, I second EJS, it starts with the wedding. My husband and I couldn't take all the familial sniping and pressures and we had a four guest black-tie elopement instead. Have the wedding you want - it is your wedding after all.
Cama, I amnot sure about you, but I am in my mid 20s and having problems with my parents. The hot topic right now is the holidays and how my mom just can't seem to understand that I have a grown up job that won't allow me tons of vacation.
Anyways, FI and I had a talk last night about how my parents still view me as their little girl. I did not agree at first, but now I do agree more with that. Unfortunately, it's true. I am consciously trying to make decisions that are good for FI and I. This has been an uphill battle, but we are our own family now. My parents will always be important, but I can't let them push me around. I figure life will only get more complicated with grandkids in the future etc, so I better stand my ground now!
Also, based on my story above. We budgeted for 130, but we now think 140-145 is going to be the actual number (large families) so FI and I are trying to save more so we can have that money available if we need it.
The easiest thing to do in this circumstance is just pass the blame. Tell your parents that the churches won't take a credit card and that you don't have the cash to pay for it. Tell them all the caterers have a minimum charge and they won't do an event that fits in your budget. Tell them you really tried, but you're sorry, it just isn't working out. Tell them the church you wanted is booked solid for the next 2 years. Tell them you spoke with a wedding coordinator and she said that a big fancy weddings are gauche in the current economic climate and that she recommended you plan a smaller event. Tell them anything - just blame it on somebody else, then do it your way!
THANKS BEES FOR YOUR SUPPORT! :) Its totally crazy how much $7000 is! -- and thats only for the reception and ceremony. That doesn't include, rings, honeymoon, attire, etc.! Its so unfortunate that the wedding industry has suckered all these people (my family, your families, for some of you) into thinking that this is a miniscule amount and inadequate.
@jaylii9: Thats exactly whats happening to me. Even though I have moved out of the house 2 years ago, in my mid-20s, have a masters, a career, supporting both my sisters in my apartment, i am still a child in their eyes and its pretty frustrating sometimes. I don't think they mean to say that I don't know what I am doing (at least I'd like to think so), it still drives me nuts.
@snmcdowell: That is awesome advice! I never thought of that before. However, if they decide to investigate that might turn into something crazier. Solid tips though.
I'll update you all later after we meet with some caterers and a church coordinator.
how did this turn out?
and for my two cents, if they arent paying for it they dont get a say. do what you can afford!
Hi girls! So, some things turned out OK. We found a great restaurant in Midtown Manhattan that fits our budget, woohoo! Its a traditional Chinese restaurant so my parents are happy and its very modern and has good food, which makes us happy.
Because we compromised and booked the Chinese place, they were appeased and stopped pressuring us to invite so many people. We are, however, inviting more than we'd originally planned, but thats how these things go though, eh?
They still want us to get married in a church (the restaurant is inside a hotel, so we can have our ceremony and reception there) but our options are tiny. Many churches in Manhattan charges thousands of dollars for just a couple of hours. My coworker told me about the church at the U.N. -- I had no idea you could get married there! How cool is that? Has anyone heard of a wedding at the U.N.? I'm going to look into it.
Agreed, this is a tough position to be in. I would just politely tell them that no one really loans money for "weddings" and unless someone was able to help that it would be fiscally irresponsible to use that amount of money on your wedding, not to mention a financial hardship for probably several years.
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So, this is kind of a rant/cry for help :(
He and I originally planned on a $7000 budget for our ceremony and reception. We found a great restaurant that is willing to work with us. I was super excited -- this is kind of unheard of in NYC. Anyway, the restaurant holds a maximum of 110 people. On the small side, but we're willing to do it.
My parents, on the other hand, think this is a *ludicrously* small amount. They said that we wouldn't be able to invite "anyone" since our families are big. They suggested we have a huge ceremony at a church, serve finger foods and drinks afterwards, and then have a smaller dinner reception at a restaurant afterwards. This will double out budget. Churches in NYC charge thousands just to use their church. PLUS, we'd have to feed all those people (he's thinking like 200 people). Oh, and by the way, they never mentioned that they could give us any financial assistance. On the contrary, my father explicitly said that they wouldn't be able to help with money.
So, my parents want us to go into debt to have a wedding more to their standards. Their justification is that I am the oldest daughter and the first one to marry, and that many people will give us cash as gifts so that we can "make" a profit. UGH! I absolutely refuse to go into debt for my wedding. I understand that for some people, its important to invite everyone they know and have a big celebration -- not so for us. We want to invite a few near and dear to us, not everyone we know.
After cursing and crying for a half hour, being the spineless person that I am, I started researching churches. I do want to make my parents happy, but I just can't do this. I have been engaged for less than a week at this point. Please help. Does anyone out there know of any churches in NYC that is aesthetically pleasing (the ones I know of are stuffy and not very pretty) and cost-effective (max. of $1000 to rent)?