Post # 1
My dad is married to my stepmom. When I was little, she slapped me across the face. I learned today that not only does she not regret hitting me, she feels this is an appororiate form of disciple.
After a long rift, I met with my dad today. He refused to say it was wrong. He said they were brought up differently and he refused to say that what she did or beleives is wrong.
My husband and I agree that this means that our future children will never be left alone with her.
I cannot imagine this is that uncommon. How do you deal with these differences with your parents? Do you have a parent that was abusive or hits, and you have had to tell them that this means they will not be around your children?
I shouldn’t be surprised that my dad didn’t stand up for me…..but I was. I was surprised that all he would say is “well that is not what I would have done”. He refuses to say it is wrong.
Have any of you had kids and been in this position?
I will not subject my kids to what I went thru. Would love some advice, and input
Post # 3
Oh goodness, so sorry you went through that. I grew up in a household where spankings were very rare, but even if you got one, you never had any doubt that you were still very loved and in about 2 minutes, you were over it.
I got one spanking, when I was 6, and I bit my cousin. LOL.
I have no advice at all, but what your mom did to you was unacceptable – I think this experience will make you a terrific, empathetic mother. Hugs and best wishes.
EDIT – I should add, I totally understand why you aren’t comfortable leaving your children alone with her. Hell to the no.
Post # 4
I have NOT been in this position but I would feel the same way that you do and wouldn’t want my kids left alone with somebody who is abusive.
Post # 5
That is unacceptable. I would never leave my child with someone who did that.
Post # 6
I agree that that is not an appropriate form of discipline. I dont believe that a quick swat on the behind or a smack on the back of the hand is too bad, but only to be used as a last resort.
We were spanked as children, but only when we really, really deserved it.
Post # 7
You slap a bitch you don’t slap a child.
Also theres a big difference between abuse and a spanking. My parents spanked my brother as discipline..I only got it once as I usually didn’t do anything bad, but it taught me a lesson!
Post # 8
Wow I am so sorry that she did that to you! In my book that is 100% not okay. I hope this thread doesn’t blow up like the spanking one did. I do not disagree with you guys not wanting to leave your children alone with her. A swat on the bottom is very very different then a slap in the face and I would not be okay with that.
Post # 9
My parents are vietnamese so they are from a culture where physcial abuse is okay. My parents stopped when I was 12 when my younger brother threatened to call the cops to stop them from hitting us. It worked. (What sucks, is that my parents resorted to no punishment after that, well verbal abuse continued… so my brother had some run ins with the law. 🙁
My sister has a 10 year and 16 year old now and I don’t believe my parents ever hit them. I don’t have any feeling that they would physical or verbally abuse our children.
If they had not changed, I would be tempted to keep them from my children.
Post # 10
Are you saying that she slapped you all the time or just one time? I was slapped only once as a child and I really deserved it (not saying you did, but I sure did). Now, if it was all the time, then yes, keep your children to supervised visits only. My parents never left us with certain members of our families due to situations that I will not go into, and every day I thank my mother for that. She risked alot to protect us.
Post # 11
I remember a couple of things I said as a child where my mother should have slapped me. i totally deserved it for being such a smart ass haha
kidding aside, I think you have every right to set boundaries on who and under what conditions spends time with your child.
Post # 12
I was hit as a child, and I’ve often wondered the same thing. I don’t know, people tend to be a lot softer on their grandchildren. I think it’s reasonable to go over your own disciplinary methods with anyone who will be alone supervising your children. As you’re explaining your methods, you can mention, “We don’t ever hit [here/this way/with objects/in anger/etc.] so please respect that.” See how they react. Go with your instinct.
@ttn133: Me too. My mom stopped hitting us only when I got old enough to threaten to call the police. She tried to convince me that the cops would never believe me, or that they would take me away and I’d have nothing and then I’d be sorry I ever called… nice, right? But at least she stopped hitting.
Post # 13
I was slapped once when I called my mom a b*tch so I completely earned that one. I like Jayce’s idea of going over your methods with your mother in law. She can disagree with your parenting methods and respect them at the same time.
Post # 14
Whether she hit you or not is not really the issue because people have different ideas about child rearing. I do not think the occasional spanking or slapping is child abuse. ( I am assuming this was not an unprovoked or every day for you as a child). I dont believe it is the best way either.
I think the issue is whether she would respect the way YOU want to raise your child. If you ask her to not discipline them in that way, then she should respect you.
Has she told you that she would do that to your children?
Post # 15
When I have kids, I will never let my father meet them since he is incredibly abusive, both physically and emotionally. I will also only allow supervised visits with the in laws, since they approve of spanking and physical disipline. I will not subject my kids to that kind of abuse.
Post # 16
As a child,(but more in my teens)I admit I was a handful,so I got smacked all the time by my stepmother,BUT I would not call it abuse because at least half of the time I deserved it,and the other times, I knew my step-mother had been brought up in a world where this was a perfectly acceptable form of discipline.However I would be very wary of leaving my children with her(when/if we ever have any) because I really do think that she sees it as ok,so I dont think it would stop her.