Weddingbee boards

@Mrs.Estep:  I think about this too. My parents never bought me a car or paid for my school and working for those things myself gave me an appreciation that many of my peers lacked. I've already decided that even if I have the money, there are some things I won't buy my kids so they will work for them.

I'm 12 weeks pregnant and wondering about this :) DH and I both grew up in families where there wasn't a whole lot of extra cash for treats, and where no definitely meant NO. We want our kids to also know the word "no" and not expect things to be handed to them, but at the same time we are more financially comfortable than our own parents were, and we already have so many fun things in our house (multiple computers including tablets, TVs including a projector for movies and games, Playstation 3 among other consoles, etc - DH loves his toys) I'm not sure how we'll make sure our kids aren't spoiled brats. But we'll do our best :) I think that's all you can do with any parenting decisions really!

I'm pregnant with our first and I've been thinking about this - most specifically, I don't want her to value material possesions over life's simple pleasures. Easier said then done, especially since she'll be the 1st grandchild and my Mom and grandma have already said they wanted to buy her diamond stud earrings!!! =_=

But my Mom lives oceans away and we live simply, and so do the people around us. I'm not too worried about it, but I do want her to have "nice" things and expect her to take care of them (i.e. a nice computer when she gets older, a quality bike, nice sturdy shoes, that kind of thing). I don't think there's anything wrong with providing for children, as long as you can afford them. This doesn't mean the latest posh bag every holiday or expecting a brand new computer to be replaced if a key is broken, but certain things, I feel, are necessities.

I also want to limit her toys. From the start I will only introduce a few toys and whenever someone buys her something, I'll wait to let her play with it. I don't want a room filled with toys that aren't played with or valued because they all came at once.

I want our children to "want" something, whether it be candy or ice cream and then have to wait for it. When she's older, I want her to learn to save her allowance to buy certain things. But most importantly, I want to emphasize simple, family activies like gardening or cooking or even cleaning together, instead of purely shopping.

@KatyElle:  DD is autistic, so I have to discipline her somewhat differently. Lots of methods used by others (ignoring, verbal reprimands) don't work. She also doesn't like to be touched or hugged when upset. So if we're in public, unless I NEED to get something done urgently, I have to immediately get her out of there into a space she can calm down. Sometimes loud sounds, crowds or bright lights can trigger what the general public sees as a "tantrum" so I'm used to getting a lot of dirty looks and comments from others. But I know well enough the difference now between a tantrum and her getting overwhelmed and can usually tell when it's coming. If we're having a "bad" day, those are the days I don't try and make a 3 hour trip to Costco.

^^ You just described a day in the life with my son with autism. :) I don't even notice the dirty looks anymore. FI and I have perfected the speedy exit. The only thing I worry about is that one day, someone is going to think we're abducting our own kid!

 @Mrs.Estep:  I think the difference between "having a good life" and being "spoiled" comes down to attitude and it starts when they are little. My son is 3.5 and doesn't get rewarded for doing the things that he is supposed to do like eating dinner. He tells us when he is finished eating and waits to be told he can leave the table. He also puts his own dishes in the sink when he's done. He doesn't have a specific chore chart but we involve him in taking care of the house. For example, he may not be able to fold his shirts neatly, but he can certainly put them in his dresser. He also helps to sweep, feed the dogs, load the washer/dryer, clean up toys, dust, etc. Anything that FI or I do around the house, he helps out and his reward for helping is a simple "thank you" and a high five or a hug. Even though he is so young, he already understands that you just do what you're supposed to do. We don't bribe him or reward him with treats. He isn't a dog.

Now, that isn't to say that we don't do lots of special things or buy him toys and such because we do. He has nice things and gets to do a lot but he is very appreciative even at 3. We may tell him that because he's been such a good boy lately, we're going to take him to the zoo. Or we may say that because he's been such a good boy lately, he can have 15 extra minutes playing outside on his swingset. Or we can say that he gets that train he noticed at Target. Or he gets one more story at bedtime. To him, all of those are equally exciting and he thanks us (unpromted) for all of those things.

I know we still have many years ahead of us, but I'm hoping we're off to a good solid start.

@KatyElle:  We have a few cards from the Autism Society of NC. They're small and on one side list a few characteristics of Autism and on the back list a few resources for how to learn more. I'm seriously considering putting some in my purse so that the next time someone says something shitty, I can simply hand them the card and not say a word. I would hope that it puts them in their place but also that maybe they might learn something.

Open, honest communication with children is key. My mother has always told me you explain things on an age-appropriate level. I also think all children, beginning in preschool, should have chores they are responsible for around the house. I think that parents tend to tip to the over-indulgent side when their child views them as a maid. My children will have age-appropriate chores, but will be expected to do a few things around the house. Children who don't tend to control their parents and expect them to be at their feet anytime they want something.

My brother-in-law's mother has a great saying: Give children everything they need, and a little of what they want.

We can stop this legacy of over-indulged, whiny brats!

I should also say, however, that I think it is very hard to spoil a child emotionally. It is very important for parents to be available on a consistent basis for children when they are scared or upset. If they're throwing a tantrum over a toy, that's a little different, but children shouldn't be ignored if they truly are fearful or scared.

I saw the most awful episode of spoiled-brat-ism at DH's family christmas party. We did a secret santa arrangement between the adults, and those with kids decided the kids should do the same among themselves also. Dh's niece, 3 and a half, the moment L announced it was time for the kids to echange their gifts, immediately threw a strop with the memorable line, "I don't want any dirty rotten presents."

I was biting my tongue watching her mum and her aunt try to reason with her and coax her to join the group. Not for me - if that was a child of mine, she'd be sent to her room alone to have a little think about her behaviour. Later that evening, in a little family lotery type game, DH won the pot -about 60 euro, I think. Because it was christmas, he decided he'd give each child 2 euro. The same madam pipes up again: "I don't want any dirty rotten money." This time there was a bit more of a reaction - her aunt took it from her hand. But nobody told the child's mother.

I would just die if she was mine. She's not what you'd call spoiled in the materialistic sense - they would in most cases have less than comparable children their age - but her mum gives in on everything, the child makes the decisions. She didn't feel like participating/whatever, so she got her way. She's also very rough with other children - we've already decided she'll be carefully monitored with our twins when they're here.