Party issue with boyfriend!

posted 3 years ago in Christian
Post # 3
Hostess
9910 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Kacey23:  I know that you posted this on the Christian board so that may influence your opinion depending on your particular beliefs.  

Personally, I’m of the opinion that you can look but you can’t touch.  I really don’t care if FH watches adult films or if he wanted to go to an adult club for a bachelor party – I know he’s been but he has said he generally finds them uncomfortable.  I wouldn’t be happy if he came home and said he had a lap dance, but I wouldn’t make a HUGE deal about it.

Ultimately, it comes down to trust and your relationship.  As long as you know that him going to an adult club will mean that he will likely see naked women and you set the boundaries (look but no touching would be mine) and you both agree then I personally don’t think there would be an issue.

Post # 4
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I think you should voice your concerns and think about what the men are like that he’s going with. If the group is set to going to a strip club then let him know it makes you uncomfortable and then let him have his say in the matter. I dont like strip clubs either, but as long as my SO was  “looking and not touching” I’d probably let it go. It’s not like its something he does frequently. 

Post # 5
Member
2163 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Honestly, its up to you if you are ok with your guy going to a place like that. A lot of women don’t mind because they trust their men, and a lot of women do mind (but they still trust their men). Since you posted in Christian, I am going to assume that you really aren’t ok with it. You should talk to your guy about it and let him know how you feel. Being honest about your feelings is not controlling, but telling him he can’t go is controlling.

Post # 6
Member
1275 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think it’s absolutely okay to bring up your concerns.  So long as you don’t explicitly say “you aren’t allowed to go,” then it’s just being open and honest in your relationship.  You can kind of judge the whole thing from there – if he’s super understanding and supportive, he might offer to not go, or he might reassure you enough to where you feel okay about it if he does.

I, for myself personally, do not think strip clubs are appropriate for my relationship and my fiance and I have an agreement that neither of us participates in that kind of behavior.  There’s too much other fun stuff to do with your friends to resort to something that could potentially cause insecurity and issues in our relationship.

Post # 7
Member
6506 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Talk to him and see what he has to say about it. DH actually went to a strip club for the first time this weekend at a bachelor party. I knew it would probably come up and was very clear that if he did go that he wasn’t to touch anyone. I personally would have preferred that he didn’t go at all but I didn’t want him to just have to leave when everyone else decided to go to the club. 

Also, this may not be a one time thing. If he goes now he might expect to go for all future bachelor parties so just be sure to think about that as well. I think the best bet is to just bring it up. If you are uncomfortable make that clear to him and see what he has to say about it.

Post # 8
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I have a unique persepective here, having been to one of those places 🙂

Last year, my best (guy) friend got married, and I was in his bridal party on his side as a “groomswoman” along with another female friend.  So there were 5 GM and the two of us ladies on his side, it was a blast.  So, as groomswomen, we were invited to the Bach Party (that’s just how our friendship works).  It was at a place in Philly called Club Risque.

Few things, and this depends on where you live.  In Philly at least- the ladies can’t get fully bare (panties always on) when there is alcohol served.  So, they were topless but that was it.  Honestly, I’ve seen more skin on tv. They danced, they ground up on people, but you couldn’t touch them (they let us girls put money in places they didn’t let the guys though, ha).  We even got lap dances, and went into the champagne room.  Same thing, not fully nude, and no touching.

Knowing all this, I’m more comfortable with my guy going to one of these than a bar!  Ladies can touch him/ vice versa at a bar 🙂

Post # 9
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Just give him some ground rules, like no kissing, no below the waist touching of any kind, he can just go and view and have fun with the guys.  I’d go again (if the same scenario came up), it was all pretty innocent actually.  Not any seedier than watching dirty movies and such.  The bouncer was on top of things if anyone was out of line, etc.  Then again, we did go to a better place, I can’t recommend a place that’s badly reviewed or managed.

Post # 10
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

My SO was his brother’s bestman last year.  Their best friend was another groomsman.

My SO organised for a stripper to come to house that they were staying atfor the bachelors as a bit of a laugh.  I’m completely cool with those kinds of shennanigans, as I actually trust SO to know the difference between a stripper and the woman he loves.

The other groomsman, on the otherhand, was in HUGE trouble with his girlfriend over this.  She didn’t talk to him for two weeks, and even at the wedding, it was tense.  What was the groomsman supposed to do?  Walk out of the room?  Refuse to attend the buck’s weekend? Decline to be part of the wedding?  Kick up a fuss and say “my girlfriend says no!”  He sat and watched the stripper with everyone else, He didn’t participate.  He didn’t touch.  He put in $50 to help cover the cost, same as everyone else there. He also knew how his gf would react, and decided “she is completely crazy. I’m going anyway” and actually reconsidered the whole relationship.

If your guy is trustworthy, you shouldn’t have a problem.  Being a crazy jealous girlfriend and saying he can’t go (like a parent!) is wrong.  How would you like it if he told you that you couldn’t go out with your friends, like you were a little girl?

Be reasonable.

Post # 11
Member
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Voice your concerns. Tell him that while you know its a guys night out and you dont want to seem controlling or anything, that you are uncomfortable with the idea of him going to an adult club. Just tell him exactly what you posted here.

On another note: Adult club as in strip-club? or adult club as in drinking and dancing?

If its just a drinking-dancing club I wouldnt be as worried, but I would for SURE still tell him that you are not comfortable with it. If its a strip-club I would even more tell him how you feel. Telling him how you feel is not being controlling especailly if you SAY that you know it could sound controlling and thats not your intention but that he needs to know how you feel so that he can make an informed choice.

Post # 12
Member
2783 posts
Sugar bee

@Kacey23:  I think it’s silly to care if they go to strip club. Let them have fun! As long as he didn’t hook up with a stripper, it shouldn’t be a big deal. Whatever you do, don’t tell him that he’s not allowed to go as it will just make him resent you. 

Post # 13
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Tell him how you feel. If you don’t want him to view other naked women, it’s okay. Personally, I think too many modern girls are obsessed with not being a “crazy” woman. It’s a message we have had drilled into us. There is nothing crazy or controlling from a Christian or secular perspective about not wanting your SO to look at other nude women. A good man will respect that. If you tell him you don’t like the idea, and he tells you you are being jealous or insecure – dump him.

Post # 14
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Kacey23:  I believe in basic ground rules: If you’d do it on the street, you can do it in a strip club.

So looking is fine, actively engaging and touching is not!

Post # 15
Member
3442 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Kacey23:  Only you know what you are comfortable with, and no amount of people telling you that they would allow it or that they wouldn’t will change how *you* feel, & therefore shouldn’t change your decision.

I will say that as a Christian myself, & a wife, I don’t believe that God intends us to see anybody but our spouse naked for the purposes of sexual gratification or thrill.

Post # 16
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

@MsW-to-MrsM:  But think of the flip side.  If her BF said to her “you can’t go out with your friends for drinks and dancing because there may be OTHER MEN there with their shirts off” he would be coming across as a crazy, possessive boyfriend.  It works both ways.

Do they police each other’s TV habits too? There are naked people there. Imagine if your SO told you “sorry, you can’t watch Tru Blood, Game of Thrones or Spartacus because there are naked ladies/dudes.  PG 13 activities only, please.” 

Come on.  If your boyfriend is so sex crazed that you’re worried a night on the town with the boys will turn into an orgy, then you’ve got a problem, and telling them you’re uncomfortable won’t change that.

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