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I live in the deep south, so my point of view may be different than what you are used to.
Family members never host a shower or tea and you never throw your own.
Your family can throw an engagement party, but that is not a bridal shower (never heard of combining them since a family is not supposed to host a shower/tea). You can control whatever you'd like then---as your mom would be the hostess.
If the neighbor wants to host a shower for you---then the choices are hers as to what she serves and how she sets everything up. You simply arrive and say thank you.
If you want to have a get together prior to your wedding----call it an engagement party and specify on the invitations "no gifts please".
Hope that helps!
Im in Upsate NY, so my point of view differs a little from Lorelei. My mom wanted me to have a shower, but was very hesitant on hosting, for the same reason that family isn't supposed to host a shower. For my family, an aunt would be ok. Well, she dropped hints with my aunts, but no one picked up, and she wouldn't just ask directly. So, she is hosting. FMIL was also asked to host, but refused since she didn't give her other DIL a shower (they had a destination wedding in Alaska).
If your girlfriends in NYC offer a shower, then I think you could by all means accept. And maybe have a get together at your mom's house after the wedding, where your elderly relatives could attend, and then it would be ok to throw it yourself.
I am actually in a VERY similar situation. Living in NYC, having wedding in the Finger Lakes which is between both mine and FI's hometown's. I have no wedding party except for my sister who is essentially my MOH. The main difference with me is probably that I don't really know many people in Buffalo anymore and most of my family is scattered across the country.
My sister is throwing me a tea party at her home in Buffalo where she invited most of my 'upstate' friends. It's going to be small though, maybe 8 - 10 guests. I would have preferred something in NYC but my mom doesn't really travel, so I conceeded to have something in Buffalo.
I asked one of my good friends to organize a wine tour in Long Island that would essentially be open to all of my 'nyc/downstate' friends. I'm having a relatively good turnout for this, right now 13 people are signed up for the wine tour. Some more might be joining us for a dinner afterwards since it's easier to get childcare for a few hours vs. the entire day.
I totally understand your thinking in having the 'home reception/this/that/theotherthing'. I think it's really nice that you're trying to include everyone and make it convenient for them, etc. I just think that if you label it an engagement party, couples shower, etc. it will become something more than you want it to. What about people in Ohio that will be able to make it to the wedding but are also local? Would they go to both? Personally, I just couldn't deal with all of the questions.
We're hosting a Welcome Cocktail party for guests that are able to be in town the night before the wedding, we're not having a rehersal dinner since we don't really have a wedding party. Even the welcome cocktails has conjured up all sorts of questions about what to wear, should I eat dinner before hand, will you have this kind of liquor, etc. It's annoying, plain and simple. In my mind it makes perfect sense, but since it's not really a common thing - guests just want to make sure that they are on the same page.
I wouldn't worry too much about who is hosting what unless your mom feels uncomfortable with it. If you want it on neutral territory, maybe you could rent a pavillion at a park or something.
Good luck, hope you figure something out!
What if you had a 2nd reception after the wedding? In which no one had to bring gifts but you could invite those people who couldn't make the trek to the wedding?
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Hi all,
We finally set the date and booked a venue which will technically be a destination for all the guests (about a 6 hour drive or hour flight) for my family and his. We picked a location right in the middle. Anyway my mom and my large family are mostly in Ohio and my girlfriends are throwing me a bridal shower in NYC where I live now. Most of my Ohio family including my 2 sisters won't as well as friends won't be able to come to a NYC shower. I'm not having a bridal party and we have yet to have an engagement party.
I want to have a casual backyard at home event at my mom's in Ohio-you know coolers and platters of sandwiches simple and not expensive instead of having a bridal shower there too. I thought it could be an engagement shower/couples shower/at home reception event. I want to make sure that family (especially 2 elderly relatives) and friends who want to celebrate with us can if they're not able to travel. That said, my mom told me last night that she doesn't feel comfortable hosting an event like that because mom's aren't supposed to host showers. I will pay for it but just wanted to do it at my mom's house. She suggested a neighbor host it but that makes me uncomfortable-I don't want to put anyone out, have anything to elaborate and I admit I want control of the food (hence why I want to pay for it).
What should I do? Should I try to have an event like this at my mom's? Give up control and let someone else do it? or should I just forget about it and not do anything there? Lastly if we do go ahead, what do we call it (shower, reception, engagement, etc.) and how do we tell folks no presents? Thanks for the help gals!