Post # 1
I am going through a period of my marriage where I am uncertain if I should stay or not. It comes down to passion, affection, attraction vs. perfect in every other way.
My husband is perfect on paper & everything I could have ever asked for. He is supportive, encouraging, patient, respectful, honest. He is trusting and allows me to “do my own thing.” Not controlling in the least bit, BUT I still seem not to be happy. Our marriage lacks passion or affection of any type. He works a lot of hours, and we hardly see one another. When he is home he lays on the couch because he says he has worked all week long, which is true, but it almost feels like I am in his life to be his cook, house cleaner & laundry girl.
We have been married for 18 months, and have gone long periods of time without sex. (I mean 6-7 months) Also, as of right now we aren’t even sleeping in the same bed.
Here is a question for you. If you were in a relationship with someone that had all those things you wanted, but there was no passion or affection or attention would you stay?
Post # 3
Yes, marriage is about the good times and the bad. It sounds idealistic, but without that promise a marriage is not worth a lot. It’s normal to go through periods of various degrees of passion, it’s just what happens with age, time, and stress levels.
Sorry if this advice is unsolicited, but I think you guys need to take off a weekend to try and relax and enjoy each other. It can be so easy to get caught up in the day to day, and forget what made you want to marry the person you did.
Post # 4
Was he like this before marriage? Were you ok with it then? Have you talked to him about it?
Post # 5
@redheadem: What she said. Great questions!
No, I would not stay in a relationship like that. I would hate it, I’m not a maid or a servant. I need passion in my life.
You need to have a talk with him and let him know you have emotional needs as well as the need for him to be a good provider. Praise him for all the good things he does, yes, but he’s only doing part of what a good husband should do. There’s more to life than just working, paying the bills and keeping the house clean.
It’s no wonder you’re not feeling happy! Women need lots of affection and romance, so do men, for that matter. Have you tried reaching out to him?
Post # 6
Have you made efforts to add passion back into your marriage? I definitely wouldn’t be happy to be a maid but with passion sometimes you have to take the lead and also be understanding when he is knackered (as you would expect him to be for you).
Post # 7
Things were like this before we got married, but not as bad. He still worked a lot, but it almost seems like now that “I’m all his” he has stopped trying.
We have gone to counselling, I have communicated with him what I need & he maybe tries for a day or 2 after & than it stops. Than it’s back to the same old….
We went to counselling together twice, and he hated it, but I have continued on on my own. It has come down to me saying to him “I need something else or I think I may need to leave.” His response always is: “If you aren’t happy, and I can’t give you what you need, than leave.”
I married him for a reason & I don’t feel the sanction of marriage is a joke, so that is why I am sticking around & trying so hard to make it work. I obviously love him, I married him, it’s just hard when men I don’t even know say more nice things to me than my own husband
Post # 8
I have mixed opinion on this. I think that there defintely needs to be a conversation about the issue. After that, try doing a weekend or if you can, an entire week off doing something together, it doesn’t have to be a vacation.
One thing me and SO like to do every two or three months to mix things up is going exploring our local area. We will go to the city for a night. Or travel a bit farther and go see the caverns. Or take an entire day to go to the book store, drinking coffee and talking books. We do this to break up the hum drum of everyday life every couple of months & doing so really allows us to reconnect to each other and disconnect from the stress of life. I always come home from those weekends with a fresh perspective and passion for our relationship, it reminds me why I love him.
If he isn’t willing to talk about it and bring things back to life, I suggest seriously analyzing your marriage. Marriage is about the good and the bad but it is also about compromise on BOTH ends.
Post # 9
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
Yes, relationships go through cycles. This is just one more adjustment period– I would talk to him about it, and explain your feelings. Why aren’t you sleeping in the same bed? Is it something that can be remedied?
As for the lack of passion– you can always find it again, you had it once right? Why not plan a romantic weekend for you both– if possible, get away for a few days, if that’s not in the budget/plan, then do it at home. Cook a nice dinner, buy something new and sexy, and tell him in advance what’s happening so he can be part of it too.
Relationships take work, it’s easy to slip into neutral when all the logistics are going as planned– but you’ve got to be consistant in your efforts on ALL fronts of a relationship.
Post # 10
@flowersandfaerydust: I would love a weekend for just the 2 of us, even if it was sitting in the house all weekend just being together. Unfortunately, I know there is a very rare chance that will ever happen as he owns his own business and works 7 days a week, 12-14 hours a day.
Post # 11
@Keely_doll: Well, first of all I would suggest both of you stop with the “just leave” threats. Guess what that will eventually lead to? Yep, you got it, a divorce. Never threaten the actual relationship in an argument. Those kind of words are like knives to your heart and soul.
Here is what I would do since what you’re currently doing/saying isn’t working. Start giving him what you would like to receive in return. In other words, you want a hug – give him a hug. Do something thoughtful and romantic for him. Compliment him. Don’t expect him to reciprocate, at least at first. You need some damage control here. It may not be “fair” for you to have to do all the work at first, but do you want to be right or do you want to be happily married?
Leave other men out of it. Guess why men compliment married women? Hmmmm, think about it. Not because they care about you or your marriage, that’s for sure.
If your husband is really a good man in the way you describe, eventually he’ll be won over by your love and affection.
And stop sleeping apart. Have sex with the guy tonight, make it happen.
Post # 12
@Sunfire: I agree with a lot of what you are saying. Will try this out
The compliments from other men isn’t me looking for attention. For example I was part of a wedding party 2 weeks ago, the groomsmen I was walking with, who is also married, told me: “You look great! That dress color looks wonderful on you.” Just a plain old compliment that my husband didn’t say to me all night. I usually just shrug off stuff like that, but makes me wonder why can’t hubby say that to me.
Post # 13
@Keely_doll: I understand, I really do. It gets said a lot on this Board but it’s worth mentioning again, try reading The Five Love Languages, it’s a great book.
You need to figure out the key to unlocking the door to your husband’s heart. There is a key and you’re his wife. He does love you. He may not even know himself what it is that he needs to be drawn out and become a warm and affectionate man. He’s obviously hard-working and honest and provides well for you. But, still, he needs to place your marriage as a priority as much as work. In fact, it should be a higher priority than work.
Ask him if you two can wipe the slate clean of those ugly words of leaving. Tell him you will never leave or never want him to, you just want the two of you to rekindle your passion and romance. Have compassion for him and for yourself as well. Human beings are fragile creatures. Even men are, tough as they seem. But he has a soft side and a tender underbelly, you just need to discover that sweet spot (figuratively speaking).
Be patient with him and yourself. I wish you all the best!
Post # 14
I just wanted to respond to what you said about not being able to get a weekend off. I think you need to think of it like this: if we don’t make time for each other, we will get a divorce. You guys both need to decide the priorities in your life, and your marriage should be pretty close to number one.
Also, like sunfire said, the threatening of divorce needs to stop. It’s hard or impossible to fix a relationship if you can’t be open and honest with each other about your problems without the fear of saying the wrong thing.
Post # 15
@Follydust321: True, because saying those “leaving” words leads to insecurity and insecurity makes people clam right on up.
Post # 16
@Sunfire: Agree with this x 1000. Excellent advice.