(Closed) Passion?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Yes, marriage is about the good times and the bad. It sounds idealistic, but without that promise a marriage is not worth a lot. It’s normal to go through periods of various degrees of passion, it’s just what happens with age, time, and stress levels.

Sorry if this advice is unsolicited, but I think you guys need to take off a weekend to try and relax and enjoy each other. It can be so easy to get caught up in the day to day, and forget what made you want to marry the person you did.

 

Post # 4
Member
3627 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Was he like this before marriage? Were you ok with it then? Have you talked to him about it?

Post # 5
Member
9625 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@redheadem:  What she said.  Great questions!

No, I would not stay in a relationship like that.  I would hate it, I’m not a maid or a servant.  I need passion in my life. 

You need to have a talk with him and let him know you have emotional needs as well as the need for him to be a good provider.  Praise him for all the good things he does, yes, but he’s only doing part of what a good husband should do.  There’s more to life than just working, paying the bills and keeping the house clean. 

It’s no wonder you’re not feeling happy!  Women need lots of affection and romance, so do men, for that matter.  Have you tried reaching out to him?

Post # 6
Member
5012 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

Have you made efforts to add passion back into your marriage? I definitely wouldn’t be happy to be a maid but with passion sometimes you have to take the lead and also be understanding when he is knackered (as you would expect him to be for you).

Post # 8
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I have mixed opinion on this. I think that there defintely needs to be a conversation about the issue. After that, try doing a weekend or if you can, an entire week off doing something together, it doesn’t have to be a vacation.

One thing me and SO like to do every two or three months to mix things up is going exploring our local area. We will go to the city for a night. Or travel a bit farther and go see the caverns. Or take an entire day to go to the book store, drinking coffee and talking books. We do this to break up the hum drum of everyday life every couple of months & doing so really allows us to reconnect to each other and disconnect from the stress of life. I always come home from those weekends with a fresh perspective and passion for our relationship, it reminds me why I love him.

If he isn’t willing to talk about it and bring things back to life, I suggest seriously analyzing your marriage. Marriage is about the good and the bad but it is also about compromise on BOTH ends.

 

Post # 9
Member
3485 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

Yes, relationships go through cycles.  This is just one more adjustment period– I would talk to him about it, and explain your feelings.  Why aren’t you sleeping in the same bed? Is it something that can be remedied? 

As for the lack of passion– you can always find it again, you had it once right? Why not plan a romantic weekend for you both– if possible, get away for a few days, if that’s not in the budget/plan, then do it at home.  Cook a nice dinner, buy something new and sexy, and tell him in advance what’s happening so he can be part of it too.  

Relationships take work, it’s easy to slip into neutral when all the logistics are going as planned– but you’ve got to be consistant in your efforts on ALL fronts of a relationship.  

Post # 11
Member
9625 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Keely_doll:  Well, first of all I would suggest both of you stop with the “just leave” threats.  Guess what that will eventually lead to?  Yep, you got it, a divorce.  Never threaten the actual relationship in an argument.  Those kind of words are like knives to your heart and soul.

Here is what I would do since what you’re currently doing/saying isn’t working.  Start giving him what you would like to receive in return.  In other words, you want a hug – give him a hug.  Do something thoughtful and romantic for him.  Compliment him.   Don’t expect him to reciprocate, at least at first.  You need some damage control here.  It may not be “fair” for you to have to do all the work at first, but do you want to be right or do you want to be happily married? 

Leave other men out of it.  Guess why men compliment married women?  Hmmmm, think about it.  Not because they care about you or your marriage, that’s for sure.

If your husband is really a good man in the way you describe, eventually he’ll be won over by your love and affection. 

And stop sleeping apart.  Have sex with the guy tonight, make it happen.

Post # 13
Member
9625 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Keely_doll:   I understand, I really do.  It gets said a lot on this Board but it’s worth mentioning again, try reading The Five Love Languages, it’s a great book. 

You need to figure out the key to unlocking the door to your husband’s heart.  There is a key and you’re his wife.  He does love you.  He may not even know himself what it is that he needs to be drawn out and become a warm and affectionate man.  He’s obviously hard-working and honest and provides well for you.  But, still, he needs to place your marriage as a priority as much as work.  In fact, it should be a higher priority than work.

Ask him if you two can wipe the slate clean of those ugly words of leaving.  Tell him you will never leave or never want him to, you just want the two of you to rekindle your passion and romance.  Have compassion for him and for yourself as well.  Human beings are fragile creatures.  Even men are, tough as they seem.  But he has a soft side and a tender underbelly, you just need to discover that sweet spot (figuratively speaking). 

Be patient with him and yourself.  I wish you all the best!

Post # 14
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I just wanted to respond to what you said about not being able to get a weekend off. I think you need to think of it like this: if we don’t make time for each other, we will get a divorce. You guys both need to decide the priorities in your life, and your marriage should be pretty close to number one.

Also, like sunfire said, the threatening of divorce needs to stop. It’s hard or impossible to fix a relationship if you can’t be open and honest with each other about your problems without the fear of saying the wrong thing.

Post # 15
Member
9625 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Follydust321:   True, because saying those “leaving” words leads to insecurity and insecurity makes people clam right on up.

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