Post # 1
Oh boy, here we go…
I love my mother and she has been great throughout the wedding planning process, even from over seas… but… she really wanted my aunt and her family to come to the rehearsal dinner and as much as I love them all, I had to put my foot down. And because I know my mother, I can see the future: a series of passive aggresive comments pertaining to our decision to overrule her request from now until the wedding.
*sigh* Anybody dealing with this? I’m 23 days away from my wedding and I have plenty of reasonable wedding things and work things and logistics of moving in together things to deal with, but now I am stressing about this of all things. I’d love to hear your stories about this!
Post # 3
My only advice is that you select a pat answer and just repeat it. Every.single.time she brings it up “I’m sorry mom, but we’re sticking with our decision” or whatever seems appropriate.
If your mother is waiting for you to change something, she’s going to keep waiting…
I use this technique with difficult people I have to communicate with and it seems to be effective – at least that I don’t have to feel put on the spot. It keeps me sane.
Best of luck!
Post # 4
Wait – so your mother hasn’t actually said anything/made any passive-agressive comments, but you are anticipating that she will and that’s what you are stressing about?
Cross that bridge IF you get to it, doll! Don’t focus on the might-be negatives – you could what if yourself into a melt-down!
Post # 5
Is she the one paying for the rehearsal dinner or are you? If she is paying, then I know it’s sort of a pain but I don’t see why she can’t invite some people. If you are the one paying, then I would just continually say the same thing over and over that you are sorry but can’t afford to pay for it.
Post # 6
Why couldn’t you invite your aunt and her family? The rehearsal dinner is supposed to be for family, no?
Post # 7
@MissCosmo If you knew my mom you’d be stressing out with me! 😉
@MissAsB no, my mom is not paying for it. FI’s parents are and we decided long ago ONLY immediate family and those IN the wedding. Nobody else.
His family lives out of state and my parents live overseas, and we do NOT want a lot of people at the rehearsal dinner…. both for the sake of his parents’ bank account and for the sake of actually getting to spend some time with our families without everyone else around.
I really wasn’t looking for advice so much as stories from people with similar passive-aggresive family members to make me feel better!
Post # 8
@MissRain: LOL. Got it! ((hugs)), Doll! In that case, I totally agree with what Querida says – come up with a simple statement and lather, rinse, and repeat.
Post # 9
Oh – and here is my ultimate PA agressive comment from a co-worker no less (and one that I have known for less than 6 months!).
Background, I am an encore bride. I was married for 8 years (I married very young, but no children):
My Boss: Congratulations!
Co-Worker: Well, it doesn’t look like you learned anything after the first time!
Me: *mouth open*
p.s. I don’t’ know why I feel compelled to tell you I don’t have any children.
Post # 10
My mom can be super passive-aggressive! Thankfully she loves my fiance, so I haven’t had to deal with it, but previous exes? Yeah, that wasn’t so much fun. In her defense though, I must admit that some of it was justified.
My younger brother on the other hand–well, my mom has decided that she hates his gf of about a year, even though they’ve never met. Let me preface this by saying my brother is her baby, and no one will ever be good enough for him. Mom and gf are meeting for the first time in a little over a week at the huge extended family Christmas party. Knowing my mom, I envision the following scenarios: 1) She spends the entire party in the corner looking absolutely miserable and excusing herself periodically to cry because she’s absolutely heartbroken at how my brother could possibly be dating such a tramp–pretending to be subtle about it but actually being anything but; 2) She will ask gf questions that she already knows the answers to, intending to point out all of her “flaws” (I’m sorry, I’ve forgotten what your degree was in. Wait, you never finished college? I see . . . How old are you again? Are you really four years older than my son?; 3) She will find one of my aunts to commiserate with and talk about how she’s failed as a mother and doesn’t know what she did wrong . . . all within earshot of my brother and/or gf.
Does this help? 🙂
Post # 11
I think it’s sort of mean to label your mom passive-aggressive before she’s even done anything, even as you yourself say that she’s been great through most of the process. My parents have made requests I don’t like. And they have been passive-aggressive about it. But usually I would compromise to make them happy, rather than insisting on having my way. And honestly, I think her request is not ridiculous.