Post # 1
I need to vent.
Our wedding is 3 months away and one of my BM’s hasn’t ordered her dress. I thought I was being very nice to change my colors to match a dress I found really cheap online, but of all people this BM makes bank (90K+) so I know that’s not the issue. I’ve been asking her to order her dress for four months. I wanted everyone to buy the dress and see if it fit well and if they would be comfortable because if they weren’t comfortable I could change the dress. Everyone has ordered their dress, but her and she keeps giving me lame excuses. There’s other information that’s recently arised from my brother (her husband) that they feel I’m judgemental towards them. This really came as a shock and also out of the blue. I also got this information via text message and it was like a kick in the gutt, especially since I felt I went out of my way to stand up for my brother and sister-in-law when others “judge” them. She’s also become distant and I feel like she’s with holding her children from me. I used to visit her and the kids when she had days off to help her out. I started to feel like I was being used and everytime I came over she would ask me to help her with yard work or days worth of dishes when I had volunteered to help her with the kids. I don’t mind helping out, but it got to the point where it wasn’t about visiting or even helping the kids it was more like doing her chores.
I don’t know what to do. I almost don’t want her in the wedding anymore and she is my sis-in-law so I don’t know what to do. Also I’ve been waiting on her to schedule my BM luncheon and she’s really throwing a wrench in things.
I don’t want drama. I feel like if i mention anything there will be drama. There’s so many other things going on (FI family drama, I’ve become a caregiver due to a major family illness, a major international move, buying a new home, finding a new job and getting married) I don’t feel I have any energy to handle anything else.
Any tips would be greatly appreicated!
Post # 3
@YayBling: My best advice is ignore her; plan your wedding with and without her as part of your bridal party. Do not let her steal your joy. remember the prayer
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
you can not change this women – find your strength – that is the only way you will find happiness.
Be polite, respectful, aloof, learn to roll with it, if you do not care – she can’t win. Good Luck!
Post # 4
Every story has two sides. Reach out to her and talk to her about what might be going on in her life to make her act like this towards you. She may be under her own personnal stress and is taking it out on you, but you’ll never know if you don’t talk to her. Maybe after a calm chitchat you both will better understand where each of you are coming from. Even though she makes “bank” you can never really know someone’s true finacial state. Don’t assume that she has tons of money to spend on a dress you want her to wear, even if you did find a decently priced dress. If, even after talking, you still find that her attitude has worn on you then let her know that she doesn’t have to stand next to you as you say your vows. Just be respectful because she is your brother’s wife and will be apart of your life for years to come. Good luck!!!
Post # 5
@Daisylynn I’ve tried to talk to her one on one and she can never find the time to get together with me. I’ve also noticed her eldest child becoming distant, they’ve started hidding from me and not really wanting to hug me. These kids used to love me until a few months ago. Other people have noticed this too and pointed it out to me. It makes me think that there is more going on at home and perhaps the kids are hearing negativity towards me. Apparently my brother has appoligized to my mother for the negative comments he texted me. I know this needs to be discussed, but I feel like they are avoiding me. My FI doesn’t like my bro he feels like all my siblings use me and never go out of there way to help me out or even to try and be apart of my life.
Post # 6
@YayBling: I would definitely reach out to her and talk to her like one of the other bees suggested. People are quick to share the good details (like her making so much), but maybe she’s ashamed/doesn’t want to say they her family has fallen on hard times. Or maybe for whatever reason, she’s upset with you, but doesn’t know how to approach you. Talking will help.
I would caution you to not make judgements based on money though. I make about 60k more than my siblings, but I also have the bigger expenses to go along with that money. So, while it looks like I make a lot, in reality, most of it gets eaten up by bills/savings/retirement and there’s not a whole lot of “fun” money left over after everything is paid off. So, try not to let her salary play into how you feel 🙂
Post # 7
I would shift all the responsibility you had planned on giving her to a better friend (or person with less stress if you’d like to be optimistic). That way, if she shows up on the day of with the dress, that’s all you need from her :). I’m sorry you’re going through so much!
Post # 8
I shouldn’t have mentioned the money aspect. I was just trying to make the point that I know this isn’t about money for her. If it were about money I would totally understand….that’s what I should have said.
A bunch of my girls have had some finacial hardships so I tried to find the cheapest dresses I could I felt guilty for even asking. I have two girls that are honorary BM’s that are going to hang out with us and help us since it’s too much. The dresses are $80 and I’m paying for shoes and a little some thing extra. I just didn’t think any of this had to do with money for this BM and since she is my sister-in-law my brother is very open about where there money goes and how much they make I know this doesn’t have to do with money. Plus when I told her the cost of the dresses she made a comment about her shoes costing more money.
My mom actually doesn’t like my BM. My mom think she’s a conniving……you get the pic. I always gave her the benefit of the doubt and never saw some of the things my mom complained about until now.
I feel really bad about saying anything, but I need to get it off my chest. Since my first post. I’ve called, texted and tried to arrange a time to get together for dinner. I moved my schedule to make it work for her and she canceled on me.
I’m trying more and more each day to give her the beneift of the doubt.