Post # 1
Do you guys respond to these comments with the same kind of answer, or do you let it go, or do you say/do something else? Ah! I am so pissed that I can’t really even word my question properly.
My SIL is a MAJOR source of passive-aggressive comments/insults.
For e.g. if I have gotten my nails done, she will comment something like “oh…. how long did it take you to do that? (doesn’t matter how long it took me, it is always followed by…) I could never have THAT kind of time. After all “I” have children and I have to take care of them.”
Back in the day FI and I were not even thinking engagement, let alone BE engaged! Our relationship was new! I had just started work at a Government office. She asked how was work and so I happened to tell her that I have started a new job. (Now I am crazy supersition about people puttin a hex on my professional life so I keep it on the d-l at all times and NEVER show off. Lol!) So then she proceeds to ask where and I answer. The next comment I was hoping would be “well congratulations that’s a great move.” but it WASN’T. Instead it was “well…….. looks like you will get a good mat. leave. You know “I” only got ‘x’ amt of dollars when I was pregnant with [1st child]. You are going to get more, right?” I answered with “I don’t know” and a smile.
Anyway she is not the ONLY one in the family who is like this. My MIL follows suit. (She is the other DIL, not my MIL’s daughter.) And I got few on my own side as well.
I never really respond to this crap. But I secretly get SOOOOOOO PISSEDDDDD OFFFFFFFF and just ACHE to respond but I don’t because I don’t want to start shit.
Post # 3
I guess when I hear comments like those I feel like it’s either insecurities on their part or something that their unhappy with in their own life so I don’t take it personally. Like to the first comment I’d probably say – oh you should come with me some time, we’ll convince BIL you need a break and get him to watch the kids for a bit. And about the maternity leave I’d probably agree with her that it sucks that lots of employment doesn’t allow for flexibility with children. I donno, her comments don’t sound like they’re attacking you personally, it just sounds like she’s got some unhappiness and isn’t dealing with it well.
Post # 4
Ever try the agreement approach? If you’ve got a one upper just agree with them it seems to piss them off. Like when she asked about leave. If you were agreeing with her you’d say, “Yes. I’ll probably get more than you because my job is really awesome with fabulous benefits and it will be the perfect job to have when I have kids” It’s totally a bitchy way to one up her without saying anything negative to her.
Post # 5
Bingo June42011: agree with her! It will take the wind right out of her sails!
“it took like TWO HOURS for my nails to be done, I’m SO spoiled and lucky to have all this free time on my hands, I feel so bad for people with kids taking up all their time!”
Post # 6
it almost sounds as if your in-laws are trying to put thoughts of having a baby into your head!
Post # 7
@june42011 and @MissNoodles: Bahahaha!
@Sasha2011: I have to deal with a lot of passive agressive people everyday, whether it be at work or with my family/future in laws. I tend to just ignore it. It used to bother me a lot, but the more I have to deal with it, the easier it is to brush off.
Then again, when I’m PMSing, I tend to go the route of what june42011 and MissNoodles suggested. 😉
Post # 8
I hate PA. Plus, they act like they weren’t meaning it that way- they have a constant exit strategy. They are often ready to pop too- unhappy and bubbling below the surface, so to say.
Post # 9
Dont give her amunition. Agree. If there is nothing wrong agree. Say “Yes! I am so happy I can get my naisl done, do you want to come next time? Its relaxing…”
Post # 10
Hmmm… thanks ladies. It’s just that this SIL’s tone of voice is VERY condescending. She’s trying to demean you. You can just tell. When someone’s frustrated with life, they sound different.
I just keep my mouth shut altogether. I have NO idea if or how I should even respond in such events. Do you guys think answering back with some witty remark is a good idea? I feel really insulted by these comments and furthermore I hate the fact that she (or other people) feel so superior to you and make others feel that way about them too. And you end up pretty much looking and feeling like a loser.
Here’s a couple more –>
Another example from same SIL. My SO is going to Europe on business. He had told his parents already. They happened to mention this to my BIL and SIL. So when we were visiting SIL, after she let us in. First thing she says to my SO is “So I hear you’re going to Germany. You know “I” can go there too from my work. Infact we got 24 markets in the world that I can go to. My workplace keeps asking me and I keep saying no because I have to stay home and take care of kids and all.”
Another example this time from my MIL. My SO had given his old iPhone to my FIL because he wanted to try it out and see how it is before he buys an iPhone 4. He had his heart set on buying that and my SO convinced him to try his old iPhone first to get used to it. (Bad idea!) Anyway, a couple of weeks later my phone died completely and my SO asked for his iPhone back. FIL made a HUUUUUUUUUGE fuss. MIL calls me up later that day and goes, “You know Mr.Sasha2011 used to be SUCH A NICE guy before. I have NO idea why he is such a SELFISH person now. Before he would be so giving. Now he wants to take things back that he has given somebody. You are not supposed to do that. He is TOO selfish NOW. I wonder where he is getting that from. I am sOoOoOo generous so he is not getting it from me.”
She was implying ‘now’ as in since he met me. Which is not true. Before his family used him to get rides all over town cuz most of them don’t drive. And since he met me, he naturally transitioned out of that role because he started spending more time with me.
Post # 11
I love the PA game!
Sometimes if I don’t feel like getting into it I just say “Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on that”
I don’t know why, but it always leaves people speechless. That’s the key to good PA, don’t say anything directly rude and make them think about what they’re saying.
Post # 12
My BF’s ssiter does this, but not quite in the same infurriating manner. She’s always the most busy of anyone, works harder than anyone, and ahs endured more hardship than anyone, worked harder for her education, does more housework, cooking, etc. I get frustrated when I’ve heard her bemoan her relationship with her mohter (who I can tell has issues, but otherwise I can also see she busts her butt for her kids, so in my mind it evens out), and how she’s the “black sheep” of the family… when the family can’t wait to visit her and her husband every holiday, go to her house, check in on her, etc., while my SO and his younger brother ca go months or years without the parents stepping foot in their homes. Also, it gets on my nerves simply becaue I HAVE been disowned by my family, those that haven’t passed on, and I HAVE no family, so to hear her complain about how her parents “don’t care about her” really annoys me. If they talk to you at least once a year, you’re up on me.
I guess all you can do is realize that some people have to do this, and try to let it wash off your back with little concern. I like the comments above telling you to agree with her, but could never pull that off without causing problems by being snakry.