Post # 1
Fiance and I are both part of a small church. Our faith, and this church are both very important parts of our lives, and I have always assumed that our pastor would be the one to marry us. Him and his family have played significant roles in our relationship as mentors and as friends, and I wanted him to Marry us and his daughters as our flower girls.
The problem is, they are moving half way across the country soon. I don’t care very much about the flower girls, but I assumed he wouldstill come back to do our wedding. We hadn’t officially asked him to do it, because we still don’t have a date set in stone, but I just assumed it was a given. I have seen him marry other people and he makes the ceremony personal, and I have dreamt of that kind of wedding. My fiancé frail talking to him the other night and he said that he would try to come up to be at our wedding but he couldn’t promise.
I don’t know what to do. I have never been excited about having a big formal reception or any other part of the wedding, other than having a personal Christian ceremony and saying our vows in front of our close family and friends. And this pastor was always a part of that picture. Our church doesn’t have another pastor at the moment, and whoever we find as a pastor obviously won’t be as close to us as this one was. I don’t want a justice of the peace and I don’t want just some random pastor we don’t know. I know that there isn’t much that can be done about the situation, but I feel like with all of the wedding stress, my vision of the ceremony was the one thing I was really looking forward to, and now I am just not going to have that. My fiancé doesn’t seem to understand why I am so upset about it, but I am.
Sorry this is so long. I just neefed to vent and hope that some other brides would understand. I am at the point where I just hate everything that this wedding is turning into, I just want to be married. I would have eloped ages ago, but I wanted the ceremony. At this point the whole thing is becoming this big party because it’s what everyone else wants.
Post # 3
Having the right people doing our ceremony was really important too (our vicar and OH’s dad who is also a vicar). If they hadn’t been available I think I would have been quite sad. All I can think to suggest is that you try your best to stay in close contact with your pastor, and maybe once there is a new pastor try to make friends which him/her too so that whatever happens, the person who marries you knows you.
Hope it goes well x
Post # 4
Is the wedding date on your profile accurate? If so, you have almost a year to get to know the new pastor at your church or to find someone new to marry you – another minister, a close friend, etc.
Post # 5
Im so sorry. A pastor very close to my heart that I had hoped to marry us is not in good health. I know how you feel ):
Post # 6
- Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI
If it’s that important to you then I would try and sit down and talk with the pastor and let him know what you’ve told us here. Really explain how much it would mean to you to have him officiate your wedding. Also, would it help/be possible for you to pay or help pay his travel expenses to be at your wedding? If he and his family are moving across the country right now finances could be a big concern especially on a pastor’s salary.
If your date is still not set in stone, well that’s another reason the pastor may not be able to say for sure yet. He could end up having a very legitimate conflict. I think once you have your date set for sure, have the conversation with him then so he can look at his schedule.
I do understand how disappointing this may seem to you right now but I think from what you’ve written your dream is still a possibility.
Post # 7
I’m sorry this happened. I do think it was a lot to expect to say you assumed he’d come back and marry you from halfway across the country without ever asking him, though. Perhaps if you talked to him you could make an arrangement, but since had no idea this was the plan, you can’t really fault him.
On the other hand, you will have a whole year to meet the new pastor and get to know him. Your ceremony will still be lovely!
Post # 8
I’m sorry bees, I am just emotional right now and kind of throwing a fit. The date isn’t accurate because we have had to change dates a few times due to health and job complications beyond our control. The original plan was to have the wedding some time in early August of this year. What with everything else up in the air, the ceremony waskind of the one thing I knew was going to happen.
The pastor moving was kind of sudden. He just announced it to the church a few weeks ago, and it conflicting with our wedding plans just hadn’t occurred to me.
I know that since it has been postponed until next summerthere is still time to get close to another pastor, but right now it feels like everything is ruined.
Post # 9
@MrsCaribou: I would talk to your pastor and see if there is a specfic issue or reason he doesn’t think he can make it. Without knowing what the reason behind the move is (family issues, promotion, etc.), maybe you can work out a compromise. I don’t want to speculate, but maybe it’s a financial issue to commit. Please know this is coming from someone who works at a non-profit because I love my work not for the money. Anytime you take a new job and have a significant move, time off and savings become a HUGE concern. Maybe, if money is a concern, you and your SO can offer to pick up the tab or help in some way with their travel. Just a thought, I could be way off base.
Post # 10
@MrsCaribou: Is there another significant church leader in your lives, like a church elder? What I have seen done a couple of times is one person (close to the couple, not necessarily an ordained minister) conducts most of the ceremony, and then the pastor steps in and does the legal part (the vows). So you could have the church leader take most of the ceremony and the new pastor do the vows.
Or, perhaps the old pastor will be able to return for your wedding. Just give it a couple of months of him settling in his new church and then ask him again. It could be difficult though, it’d probably have to come out of his annual leave. (Because weekends are “work time” for pastors).
Post # 11
Did he give a reason about why he might not be able to make it for your ceremony? If it has to do with money or travel plans, maybe you could help him out with that in order to make sure he can make it for you.
Post # 12
You have a year, I think that it’s best that you wait and see…a year can be a very long and telling time, especally if you are getting to know the new pastor and doing pre-marriage prep with him…you may find yourself actually closer to the “new guy” and be happy.
But it sounds like you are also on the heels of other disapointments. One of those times when you should trust God is doing something positive for you in having this pastor move, as I am sure the pastor has prayed about his move.
Post # 13
I’m surprised at everyone suggesting you might help him with the trip, because I think it’s a given that you must pay for his ticket and acommodations if he does travel to marry you. Did your fiance make that clear?
Post # 14
Other PPs have given you good advice here… speak to your pastor about coming back, get to know your new pastor, and/or consider having a church elder or similar officiate.
Totally get it though, because the ceremony was the most important thing to us as well, and I spent months working on it with our priest.
But you have time! Something will come up… honest
Post # 15
Oh, Bees! You make me feel so much better.
I do have a year. He might still be able to come. And we might still develop relationships with a new pastor. We don’t know.
I hadn’t considered having another church leader officiate, but I actually really like that idea. There are two people in particular who I would love to perform the ceremony.
I talked to Fiance about it, and he loved the idea as well. Still plenty of time to figure things out.
I’m excited. We’re going to be married. 😀