Paying for daughter's wedding with a catch? Help :)

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1441 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

You’re not required to pay for anything, whether or not you approve of it.  I would never ask my parents to pay for my wedding.  Just so you know, it was rude and presumptive for them to do so.

Post # 4
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I’m also 21 and engaged. There is NOOOOOO way my parents would be paying for my wedding if I was in your daughter’s position. They’re very generous people and they care for me a lot, but they do tend towards tough love.

I also agree with the above comment, you should not be required to pay and they should not have assumed anything. Even if I was 99% sure that my parents were going to offer to pay for my wedding, I would have backup plans and savings prepared to pay for at least part of it myself. If you’re adult enough to get married you should be adult enough to organize your life as such.

 

 

Post # 5
Member
4540 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Royalton White Sands

You absolutely don’t have to pay for anything. If you want to say, “I’m not comfortable paying for the wedding, but I will happily pay for one of you to finish school” then that’s also certainly within your rights too. Or, if you just want to give them 2k like your wife suggested, you can do that as well. It’s entirely up to you. 

I don’t think it was rude of them to ask, but it is rather presumptious to just assume you’re going to cover the whole thing. Let his parents pay for it, if that’s what they want to do.

Post # 6
Member
537 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I totally agree with the previous posters. If the Dad is going to pay for the wedding, it should be because its a gift from his heart, not because the bride asked him to or can’t otherwise afford to get married herself. 

 

Please don’t be guilted into paying for this wedding entirely, or giving an amount that youre not comfortable with. Obviously there are a number of issues here, but for brevity’s sake, you don’t have to give them a dime if its not in your heart.

 

Post # 7
Hostess
8680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Do they have a date planned or anything? Maybe it won’t be as soon as what you think it is.

How long would you like them to wait? A year? Until they have careers? That could be a very long time for the second option.

You aren’t required to pay for anything, in fact, most self supporting couples are paying for their own wedding these days! I wouldn’t DREAM of asking my parents for a dime, although my mother did graciously offer to pay for the alcohol [which only amount to around $300], but I am so happy for that. You can give your daughter as little or as much as you want.. but please base it on what YOU want to give, not her lifestyle choices as she sounds like a grown woman who can make her own choices.

You don’t always have to agree with your children/family… I know my uncle was quite shocked when I got engaged.. he told me I should be saving for a house instead.. when he infact doesn’t know a thing about me or my living situation. I live with my mom because she was going to lose her house, and I pay half of everything to help her. I was on my own before living with her! But I don’t disclose my whole life with anyone but my close family so he has no idea.. he only makes assumptions on things he doesn’t know.

I would have a talk with her and ask about a time frame involving the wedding.

Post # 8
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I too agree with previous posters. You absolutely do NOT have to pay for your daughter’s wedding. If these two ADULTS feel that they are mature enough to make the decision to marry, they should be able to handle any expenses related to this decision. 

Post # 9
Member
8720 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

My parents would not have helped if I was in your daughter’s position either. I think you need to sit down and speak with her.

Post # 10
Member
1892 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@dadof4:  you do not have to pay! if they are old enough to make the decision to marry and to have a wedding, they should be mature enough to figure out how to fund it. Give them whatever you feel comfortable giving and they should be nothing but grateful. If they cannot afford their dream ceremony, it’s not your responsibility to give it to them, it’s up to them to either work and save up, or to have the wedding they can afford. 

Post # 11
Member
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

If you do not feel comfortable paying for a wedding then do not pay for it. By paying for it you are fully supporting their decision… if they cannot afford a wedding and his parents are also unwilling to pay for it then you let them deal with that – it may certainly delay the marriage if you don’t rush in and make it happen for them.

Stick to your offer for paying for both of their schooling and don’t let them ‘substitute’ the money for a wedding instead.

You could give the $2000 to your daughter as a gift without specification for it being for the wedding. That is enough to have a very small wedding if it is really that important to her OR you could try to influence her to spend it on school or invest it for her future so she can be more independent.

Post # 12
Member
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@nightborn:  +1

I did not ask my parents to help contribute towards my wedding. We saved our money until we had what we wanted to spend on a wedding, and we will have to stick to that. I am more concerned about my parents saving for their future. They did pay for my undergraduate and graduate degrees, which I now appreciate as I do not have to worry about student loans.

Post # 14
Member
3380 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@dadof4:  Dad, don’t pay for the wedding. This young couple needs to step up and show a lot of responsibility before they get married. But even then, you aren’t obligated to pay.

If your daughter had career goals, would you help her out with tuition money? That would be money better spent, IMHO.

And “real” weddings are highly overrated IMHO. IF people can easily afford The Big White Wedding Extravaganza, that’s great. But if it is a struggle, no. just–no.

Edited to add: I read about their current jobs. Well–they are kinda rolling in the dough for a young couple, I’d say they will have to foot the bill for this wedding. Your concerns about their future are justified concerns of a father, but let them work it through. I wouldn’t tie their behavior to you giving them money, you might ust say: I’ll give you $1,000 toward your wedding or honeymoom or house buy, you decide what to do with it” and think about how you are going to handle this for the next 3 daughters becuase it will come up.l

 

Post # 15
Member
889 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@dadof4:  i completely free with everything that’s been said. Do not feel pressured just because they are rude enough to expect you to pay the wedding. 

and why would you offer to pay for HIS school? 

also, remember that you have three other daughters who’ll expect you to pay for everything if you do now. 

Post # 16
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@dadof4:  You are not required to help pay for their wedding and it sounds like you have some very valid concerns.  If it were me I wouldn’t pay at all, but if you are feeling really pressured or want to make some sort of compromise (which I’m not saying you should), then you could offer to make it a matching deal, for every dollar they put toward the wedding you’ll match it with a dollar.  I’m just saying it could be a compromise, but I’d really hesitate to do even that if I were you.  Money toward a wedding is a gift not a requirement of being a parent.

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