Post # 1
I am the father and have been struggling for 5 months about this. No one on my side or wife’s side of the family has had real wedding. It’s always been very small and most just the justice of the peace. We have 4 daughters the oldest is 21 and engaged, then 13,12, and 10.
Here is the problem. She dropped out of college, has a odd job by no means a career, and does quite a few things I don’t agree with even if they are considered “normal” youthful behavior. Her fiance was engaged to another woman less than 8 months before he asked my daughter to marry him. He is older (25) and he too does not have a career job.They have been living together for 9 months and seem happy aside from a fight here or there. They both are woefully codependent hence why she can never be single and he is engaged agan after only 6 months together.
I just don’t feel good about this!! His parents are much older than us (25 years) and they for some reason are excited about the egagement. I could swallow this pill if they just did it, but of course, I am being asked to pay for it. They both say it will be cheap 6k-8k, but I’m not on board at all!!
I think both need to take a step back focus on their future. I have suggested paying for school again for my daughter, trade school for him, or something just why married why now?
His reply is “My parents are wealthy they will help out or they can pay for school” I haven’t seen any of this so far. Though they do live in a very nice house and are always buying things for their kids and grandkids.
In my heart I don’t want to pay a penny! I don’t think they should get married yet and I think they should focus on their life plans and just be engaged. Go to school and be future focused.
Help please 😉 the last thing my wife and I came up with was just giving them 2k and saying you plan the rest. I still don’t feel good about that.
My first problem is I don’t support their marriage or life choices……..help a dad thanks!!
Post # 3
You’re not required to pay for anything, whether or not you approve of it. I would never ask my parents to pay for my wedding. Just so you know, it was rude and presumptive for them to do so.
Post # 4
I’m also 21 and engaged. There is NOOOOOO way my parents would be paying for my wedding if I was in your daughter’s position. They’re very generous people and they care for me a lot, but they do tend towards tough love.
I also agree with the above comment, you should not be required to pay and they should not have assumed anything. Even if I was 99% sure that my parents were going to offer to pay for my wedding, I would have backup plans and savings prepared to pay for at least part of it myself. If you’re adult enough to get married you should be adult enough to organize your life as such.
Post # 5
- Wedding: May 2014 - Royalton White Sands
You absolutely don’t have to pay for anything. If you want to say, “I’m not comfortable paying for the wedding, but I will happily pay for one of you to finish school” then that’s also certainly within your rights too. Or, if you just want to give them 2k like your wife suggested, you can do that as well. It’s entirely up to you.
I don’t think it was rude of them to ask, but it is rather presumptious to just assume you’re going to cover the whole thing. Let his parents pay for it, if that’s what they want to do.
Post # 6
I totally agree with the previous posters. If the Dad is going to pay for the wedding, it should be because its a gift from his heart, not because the bride asked him to or can’t otherwise afford to get married herself.
Please don’t be guilted into paying for this wedding entirely, or giving an amount that youre not comfortable with. Obviously there are a number of issues here, but for brevity’s sake, you don’t have to give them a dime if its not in your heart.
Post # 7
Do they have a date planned or anything? Maybe it won’t be as soon as what you think it is.
How long would you like them to wait? A year? Until they have careers? That could be a very long time for the second option.
You aren’t required to pay for anything, in fact, most self supporting couples are paying for their own wedding these days! I wouldn’t DREAM of asking my parents for a dime, although my mother did graciously offer to pay for the alcohol [which only amount to around $300], but I am so happy for that. You can give your daughter as little or as much as you want.. but please base it on what YOU want to give, not her lifestyle choices as she sounds like a grown woman who can make her own choices.
You don’t always have to agree with your children/family… I know my uncle was quite shocked when I got engaged.. he told me I should be saving for a house instead.. when he infact doesn’t know a thing about me or my living situation. I live with my mom because she was going to lose her house, and I pay half of everything to help her. I was on my own before living with her! But I don’t disclose my whole life with anyone but my close family so he has no idea.. he only makes assumptions on things he doesn’t know.
I would have a talk with her and ask about a time frame involving the wedding.
Post # 8
I too agree with previous posters. You absolutely do NOT have to pay for your daughter’s wedding. If these two ADULTS feel that they are mature enough to make the decision to marry, they should be able to handle any expenses related to this decision.
Post # 9
My parents would not have helped if I was in your daughter’s position either. I think you need to sit down and speak with her.
Post # 10
@dadof4: you do not have to pay! if they are old enough to make the decision to marry and to have a wedding, they should be mature enough to figure out how to fund it. Give them whatever you feel comfortable giving and they should be nothing but grateful. If they cannot afford their dream ceremony, it’s not your responsibility to give it to them, it’s up to them to either work and save up, or to have the wedding they can afford.
Post # 11
If you do not feel comfortable paying for a wedding then do not pay for it. By paying for it you are fully supporting their decision… if they cannot afford a wedding and his parents are also unwilling to pay for it then you let them deal with that – it may certainly delay the marriage if you don’t rush in and make it happen for them.
Stick to your offer for paying for both of their schooling and don’t let them ‘substitute’ the money for a wedding instead.
You could give the $2000 to your daughter as a gift without specification for it being for the wedding. That is enough to have a very small wedding if it is really that important to her OR you could try to influence her to spend it on school or invest it for her future so she can be more independent.
Post # 12
I did not ask my parents to help contribute towards my wedding. We saved our money until we had what we wanted to spend on a wedding, and we will have to stick to that. I am more concerned about my parents saving for their future. They did pay for my undergraduate and graduate degrees, which I now appreciate as I do not have to worry about student loans.
Post # 13
It’s just hard!! I want to accept her where she is, but every semester it’s “Oh, I’m going to go back in the fall.” or “I was going to go, I was, but it was just too much I don’t want to be overwhelmed I’ll go back in the spring” she is almost 22!! At some point I know she will regret not going to school and pushing forward the longer you wait the harder it gets. They have no desire to have kids, aren’t spiritual, which again makes me ask “why the rush?”.
They do well for young people without degrees. She makes about 30K/yr with no uside potential at all and a shaky future giving respite care. He works straight nights at a warehouse making about 40k/yr, but again it’s not something you want to do your whole life.
They have at least 2k/mo left over after bills and they think they are doing really well. We all know that sounds great now, but once you add buying a house, kids, cars, it goes fast.
Thanks for the replies we will keep talking.
Post # 14
@dadof4: Dad, don’t pay for the wedding. This young couple needs to step up and show a lot of responsibility before they get married. But even then, you aren’t obligated to pay.
If your daughter had career goals, would you help her out with tuition money? That would be money better spent, IMHO.
And “real” weddings are highly overrated IMHO. IF people can easily afford The Big White Wedding Extravaganza, that’s great. But if it is a struggle, no. just–no.
Edited to add: I read about their current jobs. Well–they are kinda rolling in the dough for a young couple, I’d say they will have to foot the bill for this wedding. Your concerns about their future are justified concerns of a father, but let them work it through. I wouldn’t tie their behavior to you giving them money, you might ust say: I’ll give you $1,000 toward your wedding or honeymoom or house buy, you decide what to do with it” and think about how you are going to handle this for the next 3 daughters becuase it will come up.l
Post # 15
@dadof4: i completely free with everything that’s been said. Do not feel pressured just because they are rude enough to expect you to pay the wedding.
and why would you offer to pay for HIS school?
also, remember that you have three other daughters who’ll expect you to pay for everything if you do now.
Post # 16
@dadof4: You are not required to help pay for their wedding and it sounds like you have some very valid concerns. If it were me I wouldn’t pay at all, but if you are feeling really pressured or want to make some sort of compromise (which I’m not saying you should), then you could offer to make it a matching deal, for every dollar they put toward the wedding you’ll match it with a dollar. I’m just saying it could be a compromise, but I’d really hesitate to do even that if I were you. Money toward a wedding is a gift not a requirement of being a parent.