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If the bridesmaid can't come, I don't think she should have to chip in but I'm not sure what "actual etiquette" dictates. It just seems like common sense to me? If I were her, I might send a small gift.
Regardless, your bridesmaids should not be involving you in the nitty gritty details of the shower. They should be figuring this out themselves, without reporting to you which bridesmaid won't chip in.
The shower is usually thrown by all the bridesmaids, not just one. Your OOT BM should at least offer to help!?
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I would think if you can't make it and contribute "manpower" haha to make the shower happen you'd like to chip in financially to ease the burden. but that's just me I don't know what Emily Post has to say about it. GL
I agree with emilee where you shouldn't be bothered with all this shower stuff. But I know you don't want to make things hard for any particular bridesmaid. If the bms don't really know each other well, it might be hard to communicate certain opinions.
I've always split costs with bms when it comes to the shower and bachelorette. Although, I know people have different takes on this. If one of your bms feels she shouldn't be bothered with the shower expenses since she is not going, I'd simply just split with the 7 that are. I usually don't hold any grudges but i'd definitely keep a mental notes on those that went beyond for you for your shower.
Don't let it stress you out !
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We actually did the opposite for a friend's wedding. If you weren't able to attend the event you didn't have to pay for the event, but you were expected to cover your part of the joint gift. I just don't think someone should have to pay for a party that they aren't attending.
I'm curious to know what other girls think about this also. I was an OOT bridesmaid a few years back. My friend had 3 bridesmaids and two of us were out of state. We didn't even know she had a shower till after it was said and done. So we obviously didn't help plan, pay or get her a gift.
We did throw her an awesome bachlorette though, once we were all in the same state. Dinner, cheesecake, drag show and strippers. LoL. But that's another story.
I think etiquette says they all must contribute with money or monies worth but I personally have never been a BM and asked and out of town BM to contribute if she was not coming.
It's a tough situation to put you in the middle of. I would just thank those girls who are able to contribute and let them know that if they need help financially that you are able to pitch in.
Thank you for all of your advice! I kind of found out by accident about the money issue. My bridesmaid putting on the shower told me she would take care of everything and not to worry, but I can't help it! I just hope it doesn't cause any drama 
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The bridesmaids are generally responsible for throwing the shower, although some people have different situations or arrangements. The shower is for the bride, not the bridesmaid, so regardless of whether she can attend, she should be expected to contribute financially, even if its only a little bit if she can't afford much. When I agree to be a bridesmaid, I know that throwing the shower will be one of my responsibilities, it comes with the territory.
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My MOH threw my shower... I don't think she had any financial help from any of our other bridesmaids. I'm unaware of the rule that says all bridesmaids have to pitch, I always thought one person or a group of people (like your aunts) hosted your shower, but I never really knew that this was a financial task "assigned" to bridesmaids. I'll admit that if I were unable to attend a shower, and I was asked to pitch in financially, I'd do it, but I'd be pretty annoyed about it.
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Don't let this snag ruin what should be a beautiful rite of passage with your girls! Don't get involved, let the BMs resolve it among themselves.
My personal opinion is that all BMs should contribute towards the cost of the shower...both who live in town and OOT. When I throw showers I will email all other BMs ande ask for their help. Most of them will chime in and offer to pay or do something for the shower (bring food, flowers, etc). I did have one situation where a BM didn't offer, so I didn't hound her. I thought it was rude, but I didn't want to make a stink of it.
I also think your BMs should not be involving you in this dispute!
I think it's kind of stinky for the BMs not to offer to pay something. I don't know if they were planning on going in with the BMs who will be there, on a gift. BUt I think they would want to offer money to host the party, even if not an equal share.
With 6 BMs who are in town, (I'm assuming they will help pay for the shower.) I'm not sure it's imperative that the two OOTers pay up. I don't know it's worth an arugment. If you only had 3 BMs and 2 were OOT, I'd say they should definitely pay up. IMO.
I'm with other posters, like Tanya....the nice thing to do (regardless of etiquette) would be to offer to help pay something, or help in some other way to plan the shower (hard from out of town, but you could still make phone calls or e-mail). I have to miss my friend's bachelorette party, which I'm bummed about, but I'm still expecting to chip in a little - mostly out of guilt for not being able to go!
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I would think since it isn't a mandatory thing for your bridesmaids to throw you a shower that if one decides to give you one she can ask the others if they would like to help her plan and finance it. Otherwise it is on her. Just like if a relative like an aunt was giving you one it wouldn't me mandatory for the bridesmaids to help pay.
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I'm a MOH and I'm also a bride so I see both sides of it.
As the MOH (for my MOH actually -- I know we're the cutest ;) ) I'm doing most of the planning with MamaMOH. She chose the venue and the is paying for the food, I'm doing everything else. I haven't explicitly asked the BM's to chip in financially (they are all out of town) but I might gently word in that if you would like to contribute how ever you can, please let me know.
As a bride, I wouldn't want to know that there is drama between my BMs AT ALL. I thankfully have a great MOH who is keeping all my girls (10 yikes!) under control but all my BM's are also so sweet, I can't think of anyone loosing their noodle.
My advice would be to maybe mention to your OOT BM that got upset that it's OK if she doesn't chip in and you wished she could be there and put it to rest. No sense added tension to what should be the most fun party leading up to the wedding weekend.
Good LUCK!
Of all the weddings I've been in I thought it was expected for the Bridesmaids to throw the Bride a shower. I threw one for my BFF when she got married and one other BM helped me, but that was just b/c we are her friend. It never occured to us to ask the other BMs to help us pay... I didn't know half of them b/c they were college friends I had never met and wouldn't meet until the wedding. I've been to several showers over the years and the were always thrown by friends of the bride or her family, not necessarily her BMs.
Honesly I think it is pretty reasonable for your BM to not want to pay for this shower, she is probably putting a lot of money toward your wedding already. I would be upset if I was asked to pay for a shower I couldn't go to. Personally I would probably send a gift to the shower in my absense but that is just me.
I was unable to attend my cousin's bridal shower since I live so far away, but I was acting as one of the hostesses of the shower and so I created her shower invitations and paid for them myself, including mailing them out. It was a task I could do from far away that eased the burden of the other hostesses. Your MOH really should have discussed with the other BMs who would officially be "hosting" the shower. I don't think it matters if you're able to attend as a guest or not, but if you're a hostess, you should contribute financially in some way. If your out of town BM doesn't want to be a hostess for the shower in any way, then she shouldn't be paying. I would think as an OOT BM I'd offer to do something to help out, as with the invitations.
I've never been in a wedding (minus my own), but I wouldn't expect an OOT bridesmaid to contribute. Maybe she doesn't have the money?
If it were me, I wouldn't contirbute the SAME amount as the other girls, but I would still chip in for a gift from all the bridesmaid. Maybe she's just irritated because she can't come, and wants to?
My 3 sisters (bridesmaids) and mom threw my bridal shower. My other 2 bridesmaids were friends but they weren't asked to contribute $$. I don't know if it's the bridesmaids' task to pitch in or not. I've been a bridesmaid and I've never been asked for $$. I have always offered to help though. If you're friend was asked and can't make it because she's OOT then maybe a small contribution should suffice. Depending on her financial situation. Everyone is affected by today's economy so contributing $$ might be difficult.
I aggree that this is something you should not be bothered with. They should try to work it out between themselves.
Bridesmaids are usually expected to contribute to the cost of the bridal shower, whether they can come or not - it comes with the territory. One of my bridesmaids was OOT, but she contributed to things such as sending invites.
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Since the out of town bridesmaid isn't exactly hosting the party (she won't be there), I see no obligation. If there is just one bridesmaid planning the whole thing, I don't even think she should be soliciting the others for money, unless they're explicitly included in the planning process and listed as the hosts on the invite.
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I also wonder if the BM hosting has given any thought to the additional expenses that your OOT BM is already incurring for the wedding? As an OOT BM for a recent wedding I had about $750 in travel and accommodations alone--an expense that the local girls obviously wouldn't have to worry about. If you think about that, then maybe the nice and generous thing to do is for the local BMs to let the girls from out of town off the hook. She's already likely very disappointed about missing the shower and feeling left out of the fun preparations, why make her also incur an additional financial burden?
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I think this issue is always difficult because usually one BM is doing most of the planning and choosing how the other BM's money is being spent. If a BM is unable or unwilling to help pay, she should be involved in another aspect of the shower (like maybe she could be asked to find fun shower games or traditions online).
When I was in a wedding last fall, the MOH and Bride planned a family shower since the Bride said no one in her family would do it for her (I would have been more than happy to throw the shower with the MOH and not involve the Bride in the planning, but they already had it all planned out 5 months before the wedding and I had no idea about any of it!). The MOH emailed each BM and told her that she had to contribute money to have the shower catered. I was very hesistant to blindly agree to this because I didn't want to say I'd help pay and then not be able to if it cost too much! Instead, I told her that I would help, but wasn't sure how much because I wasn't sure how much it would cost. I also offered to make invitations, favors, and host the shower at my house to make it more cost effective (neither of them told me that they had already sent out invitations by the time they told anyone about it). Neither the Bride, nor the MOH wanted my help in anything except paying for the shower. After we went to the catering place, it ended up being a reasonable amount for me to pay, so I went ahead and pitched in, but before I knew how much it would be it was very stressful. In the end, I never got an invitation to the shower and found out the week of that the shower was that Saturday. Afterward, I felt really bad about causing stress for the other BMs and the Bride, but I knew I had to be honest upfront and not back out of paying later. Maybe your BM is going through something similar - especially since she'll have more expenses coming to your wedding than the in-town BMs. Maybe she is embarrassed by not having money to contribute?
According to the different things I've read regarding bridal shower etiquette, only the people/person hosting are/is responsbile for the costs. Traditionally its the MOH's burden/privelege to throw it. If the other Bm's are able and willing to help cover costs, they can but it isn't a duty of being a bridesmaid.
I've also read that only those close to the bride (family and close friends) should be invited, not every woman invited to the wedding, and if they are invited to the shower they should be on th wedding guest list as well. These days we can pretty much invite or not invite whoever we decide though..
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I also read somewhere that bridal showers should be a small gathering of between 10-20 people.
I dont see why people get so bent out of shape about every BM contributing, a bridal shower should cost less than $100 to throw. Have some yummy appetizers, cupcakes, play some games and you're done.
In addition to my comment previously, I think it's helpful when BMs communicate to eachother even if they have never met before. It helps alleviate any pressure when everyone is on the same page and understands each other's situation (being OOT, financial issues, etc.) It also makes the bride really happy to see eachother trying to get to know eachother and work together! :)
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First of all, YOU should not be worrying about the shower stuff. That is for the BMs and anyone else involved in hosting the shower to deal with. If the BMs are running to you with their problems, they don't know their jobs very well.
Second, my feeling is that this BM knew when she accepted the offer to be in your wedding that she lived out of town and she would either miss out on stuff or incur extra costs/travel. If that's something she's not comfortable with, she shouldn't have agreed to be in the wedding. Being in a wedding is an honor AND a responsibility. I think it's perfectly reasonable of the other BMs to expect her to chip in. It's not their fault she can't make it to the shower - again, something she should have taken into consideration when accepting your invitation to be in the wedding. The fact that she is bringing this up to you when it's not your problem to solve and that she seems to have not thought through the responsibilities of being a BM before accepting the role need to be brought to her attention, not by you, but by another member of the wedding party - whoever is closest to her.
You should DEFINITELY not be worrying about this.
I have been a BM in a couple of weddings and for each of them I expected to pay for the Bridal Shower. Last summer when planning my cousin's wedding there were 2 BM's that were living in Italy at the time, and we had heard from a few of the other girls that one of them was in another wedding and had said she was not paying because she was not going to be there. Taking this into consideration we didn't count on her paying but I still included her on all the emails for what was going on and cost and at the wedding she gave me what she thought was her share. So, we had an extra $70 and used it to buy breakfast/champagne and pay for part of the bride's hair that morning, no one knew but the MOH and I where the money came from though.
I have 2 long distance BM's who weren't able to make it to the shower but were both insistent on paying for part of it. I think that it's really dependent upon the person though I would always offer to pay regardless of if I could make it or not.
I agree with everyone else though, leave it to your MOH, you should not worry about this kind of stuff!
My MOH was the host of my bridal shower and I fully expected to do the same for her. However, the other bridesmaids were keen on pitching in, so we've each taken on some of the cost, though I have a feeling that in the end, I'm going to end up with a larger share of it, but, hey, every little bit helps!
(and I've got to disagree with MissCamera on how much a shower costs...I guess it depends on what part of the country you're in, but there's no way we could have done a shower for under $100 where I live. We're probably going to end up somewhere around $500 for the whole thing.)
Wow, a lot of different opinions so you can see why this issue is so hotly debated.
While I know most brides will get a shower (or two or three) it is always optional. The ones who HOST the shower pay for it. Now, it is common for 3 or 4 bridesmaids to join host a shower so that is where the idea of the bridesmaids chipping in comes from. If you are not hosting the shower, you should not have to pay for it. Many bridesmaids also buy a joint gift but if one does not want to join in, it is perfectly acceptable.
I agree that the bride should NEVER have been brought into this conversation. I would ask the BM throwing the shower to respect the other BM's wish and let it go, if only for your own sanity.
To everyone else....remember...whether it is $5 or $500, you don't know anyone else's personal and financial situation. While you can ask if she wants to contribute (either man-power or money) it is NOT okay to throw a fit if someone says no.
lunapark- I'm in NY just the same as you. It may have to do more with social circles than geographical locations. I dont see the point in throwing a lavish catered bridal shower that most people will leave after a "quick appearance" anyway. Every bridal shower I've been to has been low key, and usually at the brides mothers or MOH house. There's usually food, people play a few games, the bride opens presents and everyone goes home.
I told everyone that I dont want a bridal shower because I think its unnecessary and with people spending so much to come to the wedding, I'd rather skip it. Besides I'd much rather have an awesome bachelorette party than a boring bridal shower with grannie and aunt jane any day. But thats just me.
I was thinking if I was out of town I would pay more since I would not be able to help out as much.
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I have a large bridal party (8 gals) and 2 of them live out of state. The bridesmaid that is throwing me my shower asked all the girls to pitch in for the party. One of the girls that lives out of state thinks this is ridiculous since she is unable to make it, and is making things pretty awkward for my bridesmaid that is throwing me the shower. I'm not too familiar with the proper etiquette for this, so I thought I would ask the hive. Any thoughts?