Post # 1
I have a large bridal party (8 gals) and 2 of them live out of state. The bridesmaid that is throwing me my shower asked all the girls to pitch in for the party. One of the girls that lives out of state thinks this is ridiculous since she is unable to make it, and is making things pretty awkward for my bridesmaid that is throwing me the shower. I’m not too familiar with the proper etiquette for this, so I thought I would ask the hive. Any thoughts?
Post # 3
If the bridesmaid can’t come, I don’t think she should have to chip in but I’m not sure what "actual etiquette" dictates. It just seems like common sense to me? If I were her, I might send a small gift.
Regardless, your bridesmaids should not be involving you in the nitty gritty details of the shower. They should be figuring this out themselves, without reporting to you which bridesmaid won’t chip in.
Post # 4
The shower is usually thrown by all the bridesmaids, not just one. Your Out of Town Bridesmaid or Best Man should at least offer to help!?
Post # 5
I would think if you can’t make it and contribute "manpower" haha to make the shower happen you’d like to chip in financially to ease the burden. but that’s just me I don’t know what Emily Post has to say about it. GL
Post # 6
I agree with emilee where you shouldn’t be bothered with all this shower stuff. But I know you don’t want to make things hard for any particular bridesmaid. If the bms don’t really know each other well, it might be hard to communicate certain opinions.
I’ve always split costs with bms when it comes to the shower and bachelorette. Although, I know people have different takes on this. If one of your bms feels she shouldn’t be bothered with the shower expenses since she is not going, I’d simply just split with the 7 that are. I usually don’t hold any grudges but i’d definitely keep a mental notes on those that went beyond for you for your shower.
Don’t let it stress you out !
Post # 7
We actually did the opposite for a friend’s wedding. If you weren’t able to attend the event you didn’t have to pay for the event, but you were expected to cover your part of the joint gift. I just don’t think someone should have to pay for a party that they aren’t attending.
Post # 8
- Wedding: March 2009 - Byodo-In Temple, Luau Reception
I’m curious to know what other girls think about this also. I was an Out of Town bridesmaid a few years back. My friend had 3 bridesmaids and two of us were out of state. We didn’t even know she had a shower till after it was said and done. So we obviously didn’t help plan, pay or get her a gift.
We did throw her an awesome bachlorette though, once we were all in the same state. Dinner, cheesecake, drag show and strippers. LoL. But that’s another story.
Post # 9
I think etiquette says they all must contribute with money or monies worth but I personally have never been a Bridesmaid or Best Man and asked and out of town Bridesmaid or Best Man to contribute if she was not coming.
It’s a tough situation to put you in the middle of. I would just thank those girls who are able to contribute and let them know that if they need help financially that you are able to pitch in.
Post # 10
Thank you for all of your advice! I kind of found out by accident about the money issue. My bridesmaid putting on the shower told me she would take care of everything and not to worry, but I can’t help it! I just hope it doesn’t cause any drama
Post # 11
The bridesmaids are generally responsible for throwing the shower, although some people have different situations or arrangements. The shower is for the bride, not the bridesmaid, so regardless of whether she can attend, she should be expected to contribute financially, even if its only a little bit if she can’t afford much. When I agree to be a bridesmaid, I know that throwing the shower will be one of my responsibilities, it comes with the territory.
Post # 12
- Wedding: June 2008 - Winery in the Gold Country
My Maid/Matron of Honor threw my shower… I don’t think she had any financial help from any of our other bridesmaids. I’m unaware of the rule that says all bridesmaids have to pitch, I always thought one person or a group of people (like your aunts) hosted your shower, but I never really knew that this was a financial task "assigned" to bridesmaids. I’ll admit that if I were unable to attend a shower, and I was asked to pitch in financially, I’d do it, but I’d be pretty annoyed about it.
Post # 13
Don’t let this snag ruin what should be a beautiful rite of passage with your girls! Don’t get involved, let the BMs resolve it among themselves.
In my opinion, if your Bridesmaid or Best Man agreed to be your Bridesmaid or Best Man and she can’t attend, she should still pony up her share of the shower costs. This is NOT about whether she will attend or not (that is a Guest’s role) but she is STILL a bridesmaid and it’s her duty to help make the shower happen for YOU.
Post # 14
My personal opinion is that all BMs should contribute towards the cost of the shower…both who live in town and Out of Town. When I throw showers I will email all other BMs ande ask for their help. Most of them will chime in and offer to pay or do something for the shower (bring food, flowers, etc). I did have one situation where a Bridesmaid or Best Man didn’t offer, so I didn’t hound her. I thought it was rude, but I didn’t want to make a stink of it.
I also think your BMs should not be involving you in this dispute!
Post # 15
I think it’s kind of stinky for the BMs not to offer to pay something. I don’t know if they were planning on going in with the BMs who will be there, on a gift. BUt I think they would want to offer money to host the party, even if not an equal share.
With 6 BMs who are in town, (I’m assuming they will help pay for the shower.) I’m not sure it’s imperative that the two OOTers pay up. I don’t know it’s worth an arugment. If you only had 3 BMs and 2 were Out of Town, I’d say they should definitely pay up. IMO.
Post # 16
I’m with other posters, like Tanya….the nice thing to do (regardless of etiquette) would be to offer to help pay something, or help in some other way to plan the shower (hard from out of town, but you could still make phone calls or e-mail). I have to miss my friend’s bachelorette party, which I’m bummed about, but I’m still expecting to chip in a little – mostly out of guilt for not being able to go!