Post # 1
My fiance and I are having a small destination wedding in October. We have taken responsibility for most of the expenses. His parents have been wonderful and are covering the rehearsal dinner as well as my dress and some of the flowers. My father passed away when I was younger; my mother doesn’t have the ability to help us financially, so we haven’t asked her.
My mom has been pressuring me about her mother and aunt. They were on the guest list anyway, as they’re family – although we’re not particularly close. The problem is that we have rented a beach house for the immediate family (both mine and FI’s). She wants her mother and aunt to have their own room in the house, which isn’t possible without offending about half the wedding guests. When I said no, she said I should pay for their hotel room since they’re flying in from out of town. Obviously she can’t afford their room. She is guilt-tripping me like crazy and says they won’t come unless I pay for the room.
I don’t want to pay for their room. I really don’t even want them to come. My mom’s mom can be rude and is often inappropriate. I can’t really see her and my FMIL getting along at all, which could be awkward. I love my mom, and I know she is just worried about how this will affect her relationship with her family. I have tried to explain how this is affecting me negatively, and I have also tried simply saying no. The last time we spoke, she asked if I had made her mom’s reservations yet!! What should I do? Is it my responsibility to pay for their room?
-Still wishing we’d eloped 🙂
Post # 3
This is a really complicated situation that you just need figure out with your mom.
But, if it were me, I’d say the best policy is just to be equal here regardless of your relationships. Who have you bought rooms for? If you didn’t buy your FI’s grandma’s room, I wouldn’t pay for your grandma’s.
However, is your mom asking you to pay for them because they don’t have the money? If this is the case, there’s no fair way to treat your grandma and FI’s grandma since they likely have different incomes. If they kindly ask you, I would pay for it. If they’re going to make a stink and demand it, I wouldn’t.
Post # 4
I’m really close to my grandma, and if I could afford it I would pay, but I’m going to try to be objective here…
You invited them, correct? That doesn’t mean you have to pay for their rooms, flight, etc. etc. etc.
If you can’t afford it, tell your mom, and say no.
If you just don’t want to pay for it, tell her it’s not your responsibility, say no.
If you’re not paying because you don’t want them there…well…don’t tell your mom that because that makes no sense…then you shouldn’t have invited them.
Post # 5
@AlwaysSunny: Sadly, my FI’s grandparents have all passed away. We never planned on paying for anyone’s accommodations beyond the immediate family staying in the guest house (us + 10 people). I would have been okay just having those people at the wedding! But more people than I had expected wanted to attend (which is really really nice and I am excited about it!), so we invited more. Each person invited has a different income class; many are similar to that grandmother’s.
@LuluInLove: I guess this is the stickiest part of my question: I’m seriously close to my other grandmother. My dad’s mom basically raised me. She and my dad’s dad moved in after my dad died, and we grew up with them. But I consider them immediate family – they’re like surrogate parents. My Grandpa is giving me away. It may seem unequal, but my mom’s parents live 2500 miles away. We rarely see them, they don’t call us, and her dad isn’t even interested in attending. I honestly don’t want her to come. I invited her for my mom. I can only imagine the bitchfit my mom’s mom would pitch if she weren’t invited. Whatever. But I still don’t want to pay for their rooms.
I am not trying to be selfish, even if I am being unintentionally. My idea of our wedding was a big family vacation. I invited other people because I thought they’d want to go on vacation with us. I don’t expect anyone to make a big trip and pay a ton of money. If any of my friends and family can’t make it, I totally understand. I signed on for that when I chose a destination wedding. I just don’t know how to say “it’s ok if you can’t make it” without sounding like a troll!! =
Post # 6
I think you answered your own dilemma in your original post, you don’t even want them to come. You are not being selfish at all! You are gracious enough to cover a house for your immediate families and I think it’s rude that not only are they demanding to be in it, but they want their own rooms. I don’t think you have to play things equally either, I think people have a hard time giving advice because they have a different relationship with their grandmother. You already said you don’t want them there and it was nice enough that you extended an invitation. Who knows, maybe your mother keeps asking you because she is telling them you will take care of it. The next time you talk to your mother, just tell her that if they want to attend your wedding, they have to provide their own accommodations. Good luck!
Post # 7
You could just be like ” look, mom. Fi and I talked about it and if we pay for gma and aunt were gonna have to pay for everyone elce. If you want them to come so badly, by all means write them a check, however we will not be shouldering the redponcabliy for people you, not us want there.”
Then this will be your new Motto: no I’m sorry but it will not be possible
Post # 8
Given your situation, I would NOT make my mom push me into paying. Put your foot down.
But the thing is, the whole “I don’t want you to be there anyway” is going to ruffle some feathers. Also, be prepared for your maternal grandmother to be very hurt that she has to stay “separate from everyone else”. She comes from a different generation, and although our views are legit, she’s going to be hurt…like she’s not good enough to stay with you guys, or close enough, etc. I’m just saying, be ready for that relationship to suffer in one way or another.
Tell your mom she can pay for them to stay at the house with you? I dunno, just a more drama-free idea?
This sucks, so I feel for you.
Post # 9
Don’t pay, it’s your wedding and your day….
Post # 10
Don’t pay- you don’t want to and it sounds like a recipe for resentment. You are already being more than generous by inviting people you don’t want there for your mom. You don’t owe them anything.