Paying For Your Plate?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
851 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church

@brendaray2009:  I’ve seen this mindset a few times on the bee and it boils my blood every time. If you can’t afford a $25,000 wedding don’t have one! Your wedding is supposed to be about publicly committing yourselves to eachother, and then celebrating that commitment. It’s so rude to expect that everyone bring a gift. Some people spend hundreds of dollars to get to the wedding. While no, I would never go to a wedding and not bring a gift, it’s just so appalling that some brides not only think it’s ok to expect a gift, but that it’s ok to expect a certain value gift! And to top it all off, some have the audacity to confront guests about their GIFT?!?!?!  

Post # 4
8680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Definantly not cool, having a reception makes you a HOSTESS, nobody should be required to pay for their plate. Any gifts, although usually given, are completely optional.

Post # 6
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I don’t do that. 

I always give cash, but I have a set amount that I give. The amount I give is based on what I think is reasonable. My husband and I only have so much $ right now, so this is how it is. I don’t judge each wedding and then think to myself: “well this wedding probably cost about X amount so I will give X”. I just give what I give.  

Post # 7
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I had two guests at my wedding that didn’t give a gift at all (just cards) and I was and am perfectly 100% fine with it. Both of them are close friends – one is a single mother and struggling on her own and the other is a student that just couldn’t afford a gift. I did not expect them to go buy/charge things that they could not afford. I didn’t invite anyone to my wedding for the gifts –  if that had been my goal then I would have had a much larger wedding Wink

Post # 8
2565 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

It’s bullshit.  It’s not my problem you want to spend a certain amount on your wedding.  I think for FI cousin we bought two small items off the registry that totalled about $60, and my mom thought it was too small a gift.  We had to fly there and are poor, so that was all we could manage at the time.

Post # 9
5392 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

@brendaray2009:  The couple in question were extremely rude.

BUT: I have always thought that you cover your plate; and I’m not from the US, either. I just always figured it was common courtesy to give a gift of a value that is in line with what it cost the couple to have you as a guest.

If I really could not afford to do so, then, if it were a close friend I would explain and hope they would understand, and would probably try to do something creative for them, like take photos in the evening reception (a lot of UK couples don’t have coverage for much of the evening) and present them with it, or get them something personal I know they would like.

If I couldn’t afford to do so and it was a couple I wasn’t close to (eg distant relative) and it was likely I was being invited out of politeness, then I would send my apologies, not attend, and send a very small gift from the registry. I would feel uncomfortable accepting an invitation to a lavish wedding of someone I wasn’t close to, and having hundreds of $ spent on myself and my partner, if I couldn’t give a gift of a similar value.

That’s just me though.

Post # 10
2895 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

i hate this “trend” of expecting people to cover their plate. if you can’t afford to pay for the $200 per plate lobster dinner, that’s not my problem.

Post # 11
8850 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I’d never heard of this cover the plate business before WB, and I don’t buy it.  If you can afford to host us at $250 a plate, awesome, but I’m not automatically giving you a larger gift than the friends who have a backyard BBQ wedding.  

We have a set amount we spend, which varies a bit depending on how much we have to spend traveling and how close of friends/family you are.

Post # 12
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@brendaray2009:  UGH.  This is SOO RUDE!

I’ve told my story before but I’ll tell it again BC I’m still not over it.

3 Days before my SO’s brother’s destination wedding, he got a call from him Mom (Groom’s parents), who told us that they needed us to pay 125.00 a plate.  This was going to the price for family.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!  They expected us to pay this!  SO was in the wedding, we paid for his suit, we live a 2 hour flight away, so we had to pay for plane tickets, hotel room, etc.

Don’t get us wrong-We were prepared to pay for our plate to some extent…but something about being TOLD to pay 125.00 REALLY rubbed me the wrong way.

The next day after the wedding, SO and I hung out with the newly weds as they offerred to drive us to the airport (which was very nice of them, even though I was okay with renting a car), and they kept making comments about wanting to open cards from grandparents and aunts who were ‘loaded’ in the family because they couldn’t wait to see how much was in there.  Sounded GREEDY to me.  Even if people are thinking this stuff…why say it out loud?!?!?


I don’t get this AT ALL!! Yell

PS….we never got a thank you card either!!

Post # 13
2565 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I think it is really sad that someone would feel they had to decline a wedding invite because they could not afford a gift equal to what the couple spent per plate.  I would absolutely prefer someone come empty handed (even without a card, I hate getting cards!) than not come at all.

Post # 14
5392 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

@pixiecat:  I think that depends on your relationship to them though.

For example, you see a lot of posts on here, and elsewhere, by people who have to invite people they never see out of courtesy: eg a second cousin that they havem’t seen or heard from in 15 years. If I were the person being invited in that instance, I would assume, probably correctly, that the couple were inviting me because they had to rather than because they wanted to, and, if I couldn’t give an adequate gift, would decline.

Obviously if you are close to the couple that’s very different.

Post # 15
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@brendaray2009:  I must just live under a rock because until wedding planning I didn’t even know people brought gifts (or cash for that matter) to a wedding! I was my FI date to his brothers wedding when I was in HS and I was in a wedding when I was 3 so needless to say I never had to be a guest responsible for a gift. Because of this I honestly have no expectations that people will get us/give us cash or gifts at our wedding and I think thats good because if they dont I certainly wont be disappointed! haha Also though, I am much more comfortable giving gifts over receiving gifts so that may play a factor haha (still questioning if people will bring gifts to the shower my MOH instead she is throwing hahahaha) 

I don’t understand why someone would assume people will give a certain $$ as a present. How would the guests know how much you are paying per plate?!?!?!?! My FI budgeted and invited the # of people we can afford. Who plans on paying for their wedding with money they don’t actually have!! If you only love someone enough to invite them for a gift that seems pretty greedy to me. 

Post # 16
1327 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

If my best friend has a $5000 wedding and my 2nd cousin twice removed has a $100,000 wedding then what, by that logic I’m supposed to give person I hardly know a better gift?  Gifts should be based on how well you know the couple and what you can afford.

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