Weddingbee boards

Our wedding is in August 2010.  My plan was to take out a wedding/personal loan for anywhere from 20,000-30,000.  But I am in mega debt in student loans.  Neither he or I have good credit right now.  He was laid off.  Still, I thought it was worth it.  But...after reading everyone's discussions (both here on this wedding site and elsewhere) I'm thinking, NOT!!

Now, I am trying to cut back as much as I can.  But there is the church fee and I'm not willing to budge on that one (my dream is marriage in a church and I have connections with the parish) or the hall we've already booked (it comes with everything, limo, photo, video, cake, centerpieces, open bar, etc).  But other things I am trying to cut back on.  I have an inexpensive dress and just about everything else I'm going real cheap on, or am trying to.  Cutting the guest list, for example. 

The expenses might still add up to at least 15,000 or more (I have more research to do on possible cost cuts).  Now I understand the whole "it's only one day" argument but the wedding day that I've dreamed of means a great deal to me and I would like to make it happen if it's at all any way possible.

Now here's the thing.  There are some very well-off people in my fiance's family.  A couple of millionaires, doctors, lawyers, etc.  So they could possibly be resources.  The issue is that these are relatives we don't talk to except at holiday parties and some emails every now and then.  They love my fiance, they like me a lot, they are very happy for us.  They're basically happy, cool people, or at least that's my impression.

These are his aunts and uncles (his mom's brothers and sister's) and even two of my fiance's siblings (who he is not close to, he barely speaks to them though at present there's no hostility) have a good amount of money.  Actually his brother is going to be the best man and his children in the wedding party. 

My fiance's mom tends to get annoyed when she thinks we're going over what we can afford (which I understand), on anything.  Since my fiance was laid off and she's been helping him out and knows we are struggling.

My question is, do we ask these relatives to help us?  I fear a couple of things: his mother will get annoyed at us (she never suggested we ask her relatives and they are HER siblings), and the other is that there will be negative feelings from those relatives such as: e.g., we never call them but now that we need money we are, etc. 

We had thought for a while that perhaps we could ask them but I became very uncomfortable with the idea, so I decided it was our responsiblity and that we should just go with the loan.  Now I don't think I should go with the loan route b/c of the negative things I'm hearing about it.

I know these people can afford to help us.  Then again with the economy who knows, for all we know they could have lost money. 

I've thought of how to word it to them, how to check with his mother first, etc.  I don't want to make the mistake of my new in-laws resenting me.

Suggestions?  Thanks so much!

Do not take a $30,000, or even $20,000 loan for your wedding day!

I know that this is the day you have been dreaming about since you were a little girl, and you want it to be more than perfect. But trust me, there are so many things you can cut back on to cut costs. I was recently reading a thread about saving money, I'll post it if I can find it.

Especially if you are going through hard times, it is not smart at all to take out this much of a loan. You are setting yourself up for disaster, in my opinion. If you must take a loan, take a smaller amount.

About asking your relatives.. If I was the aunt you are going to ask, I would feel incredibly "on the spot" and awkward. Unless you have a very close relationship with your Fiance's relatives, do not ask them. This could turn into a feud if you cannot pay them back in a timely manner. Or perhaps you are asking for a gift? Either way, I would not suggest it.

Good luck!

Sorry if my previous post sounds harsh.

Here is the thread I was talking about: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/feeling-a-little-blue-about-my-budget-need-some-hive-reassurance

You'll find so many money saving tips & ideas on there! Check it out!

Sigh.  I'm already working three jobs and in school.  Suffice to say there's no more room for me to do anymore.  He's working his butt off trying to find work.  We want to get married now, we've been together four years and we're tired of waiting.  We have our heart set on August and it's all set and booked, though I know these things can be rescheduled.  I hear what you're saying.

We didn't register so we figured that was a good way to hint that we need money (as gifts for the wedding), plus they all know he's not working right now.

When you say clubhouse or membership, what do you mean?  That sounds interesting.

Thanks!

I'm glad I'm already getting responses.  That was fast.

I'm sure there's a ton and a half ways to cut expenses and I'll do them.  But I'm scared that the only way expenses would be cut significantly would be to give up the hall and/or church.  I hate that idea.  Maybe I'll be more specific and tell me what you think.  

The hall works for us b/c it's near the church and it has this amazing package as I said.  Ball room for 5 hours (with DJ and MC), limo, photographer, videography.  Great menu (though I haven't tasted it yet), centerpieces, and a couple of other things.  The church is the one that's part of my university (where I'm a student and also teach).  I love it there.  I don't want to get married someplace else other than in a church, it's just what I want, it's just me.  But the freakin church is $800.00 (we put down a $200 deposit already).  Plus $275.00 for the organist.  And $150.00 for the singer who leads the mass (which we have to have, not our choice).

If I have 100 guests (my wish is to not go lower than that), the hall comes to about $14,817.  Now that includes a fee since it's on a Saturday, taxes, gratuities, and some sort of "maitre'd fee."

Whadya think.... 

Thanks for all these responses so fast!! Some are hard to hear of course, but I need all the help I can get. :)

oh one more thing i forgot to mention.

he's getting unemployment right now which is actually more money than he would get if he got some little job.  he wouldn't get it anymore if he got an on the side job.  and he's working with a cousin who is a career counselor who has him on a strict program (hard to explain) in fixing his career.  he's also going back to school long story but getting a 'little' job isn't going to work for him right now.

i remember when we were first planning we were willing to just go with some place like Knights of Columbus or something.  i mean i was actually looking up places like that online.  lol, i was a lot more reasonable so what happened?

maybe if we give up the hall i could find a place like knights of columbus, a nice one. we could hire some cheap dj, don't get a limo, have a friend take the pics, a friend do a video camera.

these were all the things i was planning to do in the first place. but now the idea makes me cringe. we've had these plans with this hall (and have been really attached to these plans) for six months now.

we really do want to get married now. i guess it's a matter of choosing marriage now without the frills or waiting to have the dream wedding. but i think if we wait for that we might be waiting for quite a while.

lots to think about.

friday wouldn't work b/c his relatives live in PA. i'm sure they work and wouldn't be able to get over to NY in time.

sunday is a possibility. my fiance had suggested that to me originally, but i really liked the idea of saturday. i'd have to check to see if the church would change their date for us too. the hall adds 15% of the cost if you do it on a Saturday.

yes we are required to use the church's organist. he's also the music director who would be in charge of the whole ceremony (other than the priest's part).

there is a package in the hall where you don't have to do the dj, limo, photo, video. it's definitely less money......

lol, my fiance just woke up (it's 2 am out here) and i told him about the last couple of hours where i've been online like crazy.

he said he's willing to cut out the hall or the hall's deluxe package and just keep the church and find some other little place. well i knew that one, it's me the bride who wants all this stuff! :)

after discussing it briefly we agreed we'll bring this to our parents and show them the exact numbers and the concerns about what we may need to cut out.  sometimes i think my parents have more money than they let on (a whole other issue) and b/c they're so into appearances they may suddenly come up with the money and who knows his mother may ask her relatives or whatever. or that might not happen.

but even if not i think everyone here is right, we should only do what we can afford. i may just have to get used to the idea that some things will have to be cut out, some major things. fortunately there's some time for me to get used to it. it sucks but it might have to be done. it's not the end of the world.

thanks so much everyone for all your advice! 

mary

oh btw i'm not done with hearing advice. please, any other suggestions are appreciated!! thanks ladies!

now since i'm thinking about cutting back costs in a major way. what do you think about this, or am i going too far?

the only health insurance i can have right now is student health insurance and it SUCKS!!!  it only covers accidents and sickness. 

it doesn't cover regular trips to MD's unless you're sick.

but i have horrible acne and was planning to go to a dermatologist soon b/c i want the wedding photos to look good (and just to look good that day in general). that's extra money of course. was going to use the loan money for that (when i originally planned to take out a wedding loan).

also i have a front chipped tooth. if you're up close to me and i smile it's definitely noticable. i've been able to get away with it by smiling without showing my teeth. sad, i know.

both these things i was going to take care of before the wedding using loan money. but a dentist and dermatologist and dermatologist prescription are probably a lot.

to cut costs i was thinking whoever does my makeup could do it really well so that the acne doesn't show as much and i could just smile without showing my teeth in photos and up close to guests? but i'm thinking that will be hard tho b/c i know i'm going to be really happy that day.

is this going too far with cost cutting? suggestions?

I don't know if this is an option, but we're having a Sunday wedding and thus no dance.  We're starting the wedding a bit earlier in the day, having lawn games, and then dinner with enough time for people to drive home if they need to that night.  By doing this, we are cutting out a dj/late night buffet/extra photographer hours etc.  Perhaps a big dance and all day is important for you?  But if you can be flexible on this point, then you can save that 15% plus all the late night extras.

But please please please do not take out a loan! I know you have been dreaming about this for a very long time....but you also don't want to be paying off your dream wedding for a very long time.

WOW. I can't believe this but I just did some calculating, in which if I got the hall on a SUNDAY and cut out some major stuff our wedding cost is almost 3 times less than it originally was and I know we could work toward this number without a "wedding loan".  We could keep the hall and its package and the church.  Hope I calculated this right.

Awesome.  I just sent an email to both the church and the hall to see what their policies are on changing the date.  And I'll of course give a call on Monday.  We still have eight months left.  I really hope this all works.

It's too bad you can't see the price tag when you're day dreaming about your wedding.  FI and I are footing the bill and when we realized how much our dream wedding was going to cost, we still couldn't imagine asking our parents and relatives for money.  I think there's been some suggestions posted already so I won't repeat them.  Just be ready to compromise (and it sounds like you're well on your way to doing this).

This has been said often on these boards but I think it's worth repeating: a wedding will last a day, the marriage is what counts for more.

hmm. you know they told us that not taking the whole package would make us spend more money in the end (meaning if we got our own limo, dj, video, etc). they're probably right about that part, that is assuming if we kept to our plan of getting all those things.

i don't know what to do. we definitely don't want to wait and would rather have a simple wedding than wait anymore. you see we've been together 4 years, living together 3, and have already put this off due to money and his lay off. we've been so ready (emotionally) for so long.  his field is dead and he has to go back to school.  we're both going to be in school a long time and if we waited til we had a lot of money we'll be waiting for sure several more years.  plus i'm 35 and he's 43, not that age matters but we've really had enough with waiting.  we don't want kids so we're not worried about that in terms of money. anyway long explanation to say we don't want to wait.

i plan to call the church and the hall tomorrow (monday) to see if they would change our date to a sunday.  they have to be able to both do it, obviously. also we're getting married near yankee stadium, both the hall and church are near there. our original wedding date the yankees are away. i really don't want the date for them to be home. i hate the idea of people not getting there on time (or at all) due to game traffic. i've got their schedule handy.

this will be the first step. i hope we'll get the sunday close to the original date or i don't know what to do. if we do i've got to sit down with my parents and his mom and see what can be done.

sorry so long but i'm thinking out loud. if we forgot all that stuff: has anyone ever done without professional photography or videography? if so, how did you make it work? we'll be in a large church.

i'll have to get over myself but i feel like i have to deal with embarassment due to possible judgement from a few people who would see i'm not including those fancy things.

oh another thing i've got a huge heavy dress that's kind of on the big side. without a limo how would i travel with that dress on? the church doesn't have a changing room so i'd have to come with it on. 

maybe we could just get a small towncar or cab for me alone where there's space for me to sit with enough room so the dress will be ok?