Weddingbee boards

It is always sad when someone passes away, but that doesn't mean you have to have liked the person.  I don't think it is necessary to be fake about it and talk about how great he was or how you will miss him if that isn't the case.  I think it is best to acknowledge the death and, if necessary, pass on your condolences to the close family and friends.  Other than that though, there is no reason to dwell much on it.  It may sound harsh, but I wouldn't expect someone who didn't like me to be upset and mourning over me either.  I think you just need to acknowledge it and then move on with your own life.  

I'll give you a point of view from the other side of the story. This past summer my grandfather passed away and we had some really troubling moments between family members. Out of 10 of my mother's siblings half were from one father and the other half are from another. To make a long story short there are many people in my family who didn't like my grandfather for various reasons. I'll admit he was horrible to some of them.

Now here is my point that I really really hope you take in. I loved my grandfather and so did my mom. We only had good memories of him and he treated us well. On the flip side he was abusive to my grandmother and rotten to some of the older siblings (my mom is the youngest). Well when he passed away I kept hearing coments like "good ridance, we're glad he's gone," or , "why are you mourning for that a**hole." This hurt both my mother and I incrediably because we truely were in mourning for a man we loved. He never treated us badly and I had genuine reason to have this love for my grandfather.

The point is you don't really know who in your family is feeling what. It's best for you to just keep quiet and not say anything rude about your grandfather even if that is how you feel. At least you know he's gone now. Just remember that if you feel the need to chime in about your dislike for him you may be hurting other living members of your family. Are you prepared to do that?

The best way to deal with this situation is to offer your condolences out of respect and say as little as you can on the topic. Some of your family may honestly be mourning and to add insult to that injury may be something that you can never take back. In our case I've had to uninvite a couple of relatives at the request of my mother because she is hurt beyond belief. Just something to think about...

@moderndaisy: I am sorry you have to deal with this.  I am not sure what it is about death that anyone who dies is automatically canonized, no matter what their behavior was on earth.  I would just do my best to not tell them off, and come up with statements that are polite and true.  I like the "I'm sorry you are hurting."  I think "I'm sorry for your loss," is fine because everyone had a different relationship with him, so everyone's loss is different.  I use a lot of "I'll keep you in my prayers."  Is there anything nice you can say?  Sometimes for someone like that and I have to say something, I'll say something like, "He had a lot of determination." (Mean people often do, they just don't use it for good.)  Good luck!

Breathe a sigh of relief that he is gone and no longer able to hurt or manipulate anyone else. Don't lie and say that you miss him if you don't. Respect is something that has to be earned and it sounds like this guy didn't do a single thing to earn it, sad to say, so you are under no obligation at all to say anything either way about your true feelings regarding his passing to other relatives.