(Closed) People you don’t like who pass away?

posted 7 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 3
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

It is always sad when someone passes away, but that doesn’t mean you have to have liked the person.  I don’t think it is necessary to be fake about it and talk about how great he was or how you will miss him if that isn’t the case.  I think it is best to acknowledge the death and, if necessary, pass on your condolences to the close family and friends.  Other than that though, there is no reason to dwell much on it.  It may sound harsh, but I wouldn’t expect someone who didn’t like me to be upset and mourning over me either.  I think you just need to acknowledge it and then move on with your own life.  

Post # 4
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m the type of person who would post something more like: “One less a-hole in the world.”

But you know, I’m a glutton for confrontation.

Post # 5
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

He sounds… lovely.  Agree with dance that just because everyone else is being fake doesn’t mean you should feel obligated to pretend an emotional response that you dont feel.  I would focus on supporting your mom, if that’s what she needs, rather than expending any energy on someone who wouldn’tve appreciated it in life.

I mean, you don’t have to say anything about it unless you’re pressed directly.  And then there’s no requirement that you express sorrow that he’s gone, etc.  Just, “Yeah, it’s difficult for a lot of people right now,” or similar would probably do without getting people all up in arms about your not be appropriately grief-stricken.

Post # 6
Member
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I’d go with something like “I hope Grandpa found what he was looking for”.

ETA: btw, you’re not a horrible person because a mean, awful old man died. Relief is as valid an emotion as any in this case.

Post # 8
Member
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Then I’d go with “I’m really sorry you’re hurting Dad. I love you and I’m here for you”.

Post # 10
Member
1537 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’ll give you a point of view from the other side of the story. This past summer my grandfather passed away and we had some really troubling moments between family members. Out of 10 of my mother’s siblings half were from one father and the other half are from another. To make a long story short there are many people in my family who didn’t like my grandfather for various reasons. I’ll admit he was horrible to some of them.

Now here is my point that I really really hope you take in. I loved my grandfather and so did my mom. We only had good memories of him and he treated us well. On the flip side he was abusive to my grandmother and rotten to some of the older siblings (my mom is the youngest). Well when he passed away I kept hearing coments like “good ridance, we’re glad he’s gone,” or , “why are you mourning for that a**hole.” This hurt both my mother and I incrediably because we truely were in mourning for a man we loved. He never treated us badly and I had genuine reason to have this love for my grandfather.

The point is you don’t really know who in your family is feeling what. It’s best for you to just keep quiet and not say anything rude about your grandfather even if that is how you feel. At least you know he’s gone now. Just remember that if you feel the need to chime in about your dislike for him you may be hurting other living members of your family. Are you prepared to do that?

The best way to deal with this situation is to offer your condolences out of respect and say as little as you can on the topic. Some of your family may honestly be mourning and to add insult to that injury may be something that you can never take back. In our case I’ve had to uninvite a couple of relatives at the request of my mother because she is hurt beyond belief. Just something to think about…

 

Post # 11
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I think being respectful and expressing courtesy is the best you can do. You don’t have to suddenly make an about-face in your estimation of him just because he’s passed away. That said, it’s also unfair for you to make assumptions about how other people are really feeling or their motivations for posting updates on Facebook. 

Related, there was an episode of the TV show Daria that is about just this topic. It’s called “The Misery Chick.” Someone who was self-absorbed and annoying in life dies unexpectedly and all of a sudden everyone acts like he was this great guy, and Daria calls them out on it. Basically the idea is that people are uncomfortable with death and so they automatically respond with nice things even if they aren’t consistent with their previous feelings. So the Facebook updates may be a symptom of your relatives’ own discomfort with death in general, not indicative of a sudden reversal of opinion about your grandfather or them lying to look socially acceptable. Their responses are more about them, not your grandfather. I would try to offer the necessary condolences and then lay low until everyone can put this behind them.

Post # 12
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

As other lovelies have stated, kindness and courtesy won’t hurt, but you don’t have to go beyond that. My uncle died suddenly while my mother and I were visiting family. He caused a great deal of pain for most of my family. The kind of person you hope is rotting in Hell. But we went to the funeral, bought flowers, and got through all the drama because in the end we loved my aunt, regardless of how we felt about him. Being there for her is what mattered. I think you do the best you can to be polite, but you don’t have to be fake. Be there for the people who are geniunely hurting over his passing. But don’t worry about not sobbing over the casket. Sometimes there are a-holes that the world is better off without.

Post # 13
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

My husband was a student at Virginia Tech during the April 2007 massacre. During the weeks after the shooting, one of his classes met just to give people a chance to talk about their experiences. The professor asked everyone to take a moment to mention how they knew any of the victims. Everyone was going around talking about what a sweet person each victim had seemed to be. When it was my husband’s turn, he had to decide what to say about his former hallmate who had been something of an asshole. He said something like, “I have to admit that he and I did not get along. But no one deserves this.”

I agree that the best you can be expected to offer is compassionate support to those who are genuinely mourning, but don’t feel like you have to paint over the person he really was. But, neither do you have to go out of your way to point out what a horrible person he was either.

Post # 15
Member
1775 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

@moderndaisy: I am sorry you have to deal with this.  I am not sure what it is about death that anyone who dies is automatically canonized, no matter what their behavior was on earth.  I would just do my best to not tell them off, and come up with statements that are polite and true.  I like the “I’m sorry you are hurting.”  I think “I’m sorry for your loss,” is fine because everyone had a different relationship with him, so everyone’s loss is different.  I use a lot of “I’ll keep you in my prayers.”  Is there anything nice you can say?  Sometimes for someone like that and I have to say something, I’ll say something like, “He had a lot of determination.” (Mean people often do, they just don’t use it for good.)  Good luck!

Post # 16
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Breathe a sigh of relief that he is gone and no longer able to hurt or manipulate anyone else. Don’t lie and say that you miss him if you don’t. Respect is something that has to be earned and it sounds like this guy didn’t do a single thing to earn it, sad to say, so you are under no obligation at all to say anything either way about your true feelings regarding his passing to other relatives.

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