Permanently damaged our relationship (long)

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@ChicFoodist: “Our love is the one pristine entity in the world to him that’s unshakeable, rock solid, constant”

I don’t think that’s changed one bit.  Love is not always agreeing and never having fights.  It’s the ability to have disagreements, but overcome them through strength, patience, humility, kindness, empathy. and compromise.   

Post # 4
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

Well, he’s right. There aren’t many real absolute guarantees. 

Maybe it’s best that he not have that view, even if you did love that about him. Having such a view can cause someone to be completely wrecked if something bad does happen. 

 

Post # 5
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

@ChicFoodist:  I think that it’s unrealistic to think the way he did. It was innocent and beautiful but you were being honest and there is something to be said for that. I think it’s a great thing to have had that kind of raw honesty and to be able to work on it and improve things. This isn’t something negative. This is something that can make you two even stronger. There comes a point in every relationship where that blissful, everything is perfect and will always be perfect mentality goes out the window and it’s then that you see what you are really made of. I understand that it gave him a bit of a shake and that it may have changed that innocent view he had of your relationship but life isn’t always going to be perfect, money issues, child issues, family issues, friendship issues, work issues, health issues, all of that will shake things up constantly. It’s amazing when you have a relationship that can weather the hard times and the disagreements. your communication is going to be key and it seems as though you two did well.

Post # 6
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

@ChicFoodist:  Also, don’t think of it as “damaged”. Think of it as your relationship evolving. Moving from one stage to the next. Also, he’s exactly right, there isn’t anything that’s guaranteed, relationships take work, and constant effort. So IMO, it’s best that his mentality has changed.

Post # 7
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee

The foundation is shaken, but not broken. Remind him that couples often disagree, but it doesn’t mean you can’t compromise. Struggling with this issue doesn’t mean you will break up, or that your commitment to each other is eliminated. The fact that we realize our relationships are shakable is what encourages us to put effort and time into them, to reinforce their stability. They are not infallible. A little pressure turns a rock into a diamond 🙂 

 

 

 

Post # 9
Member
2571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@stardustintheeyes:  +1

 

I don’t know if anyone remembers my tattoo thread a month or so back, but FI was destroyed I wouldn’t get a hypothetical tattoo relating to him.  I think my honesty kind of threw him off a bit, but I believe once we got through that we came out stronger.  I felt almost the same way you do OP, believe me! 

Having a bit of a “reality check” kind of makes you want to fight for your relationship that much more, I think. 🙂

 

Post # 10
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Wow, he has a seriously unrealistic view of relationships–one that I don’t think you should support under any circumstances. Pristine love is not real love between two flawed human beings. If he wants pristine love, he should get married to a robot. If both of you want real love, you should be honest about your wants and needs and emotions and mess, and accept and love THOSE and communicate through them and work on them. Real love is messy and wonderful and joyous and hard. It is getting irritated with each other and talking it through. It requires HONESTY and communication about who we are and what we want. Being real isn’t “damaging” anything, it’s opening up to each other. You are in for an incredibly superficial, lonely relationship if neither of you feel like you can share your mess with each other. 

Which is to say, congratulations! What you think has damaged your relationship has actually opened you both up to have a real intimate partnership based on mutual love and respect, not based on some fantasy that the other person is perfect (they’re not) or that love is some fragile flower that can be destroyed with a poorly chosen response to something. Real love isn’t that delicate. It can withstand more because it doesn’t rely on ignorance, it relies on a solid relationship that welcomes flaws instead of ignoring them.

Post # 11
Member
474 posts
Helper bee

Red flag… is he using that line to control you? Will he use it to control you about things in the future? The vibe I’m getting is that he “needs” you. And he needs you to be “perfect”. Look out!!!

Post # 11
Member
2726 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

ChicFoodist:  Question – why do you have to live the way he wants to? Is he determined not to be flexible on the lifestyle and savings issue?

Post # 12
Member
2869 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

This all seems highly immature. I mean does he live in the real world? Being in love doesn’t mean you won’t disagree and there is no such thing a pristine love. My hats off to you because I could never handle someone so la de da about things. It’s fine to be all goo goo about love at points, but without it being rooted in reality I don’t see how one can sustain that type of thing.

Post # 13
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

His all-or-nothing thinking is really unhealthy, and it’s something I would watch and try to call him on in the future. Try to let him know that it’s upsetting to you to think that everything is ruined because of one off-color remark.

Also, relationships are not either perfect or “permanently damaged” ever. Relationships are work, and they evolve. Issues come up, and you work through them. That doesn’t mean anything is broken, it means it’s stronger.

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