Weddingbee boards

I have to agree with you. Just because you have a different opinion, doesn't mean that the world is going to end. The purpose of weddingbee is to lend support to those that need it.

I thought some of the comments on the last post from Ms. SR were way out of line and uncharasteristic of what WB is.

We should all be civil here.

I used to spend some time on a message board where a small clique of women enjoyed jumping down the throats of posters who they deemed "selfish" or "greedy" or "not mature enough to get married."  They would insist that they were "just being honest" and made fun of anyone who tried to be nice.  Although they never attacked me personally, I eventually stopped posting there because it wasn't a useful forum (unless your definition of "useful" was "gives the same 5 posters the opportunity to mock other people").

Some disagreement on the boards is inevitable and healthy -- we're all so different, of course we have different approaches to wedding planning!  And if a poster seems to be overreacting, I think it's OK to point that out and suggest constructive ways to look at a situation.  But we can be honest while still being kind.  I like Mrs. Cupcake's advice.  Think about what you'd say to a good friend if she said the things you just read online.  Would you tell her she was acting like a "brat" or that she was "childish," or would you gently say, "I think you're overreacting.  Here's how I see things ..."  Don't say anything online you wouldn't say in person.

I agree with all that was said above! I hope we actually DON'T always agree on everything all the time, because the variety of backgrounds and opinions here are what makes Wedding Bee so great. It's easy to hide behind an anonymous screen name and leave nasty comments, and it does really reflect poorly on that person. I'm glad that the majority of the people here aren't like that!

On top of that, I think sometimes we need a place to go and vent. Wedding planning is so stressful, and it's nice to have the support we have here. Maybe we get down because something isn't working like we want and we just need a moment to vent before we pick ourselves back up and find a solution. I don't think it's being "bratty" or a "bridezilla" if it helps someone cope and move past the problem at hand without taking it out on their family or FI! 

I think it's a tricky line to walk. Of course we want to be respetful to each other. But when a poster describes her situation and point blank asks, "What are your feelings?" I personally think it's OK to tell her what your feelings are, whether that means you feel she is acting somewhat selfishly, or needs to take a look from the other person's point of view in the situation she described.

I think if this site becomes a place where we can only validate each other's feelings for fear of being labeled an "attacker", then the site has lost its purpose. If I don't want to hear the negative opinions of others, then I would describe my situation and say, "Please make me feel better about this." But if I am looking for honest opinions from others and I ask, "What are your feelings on this?" then bring it on! I'm OK with hearing dissenting views or I wouldn't have asked. Am I the only one who feels this way?

No, Surgie, I definitely agree with you (and I'm not just saying that! :-) ).  Personally speaking, if my post comes across as selfish or a massive overreaction, I would prefer that people call me on it so I can get my head screwed on straight. 

But there's a huge difference in my mind between saying something like "I think you need to take a step back and look at this from your FMIL's/MOH's/fiance's perspective" and saying something like "you're a spoiled brat and you don't deserve to get married."  I think it's the latter sort of statement that people are reacting against.  We all screw up and do foolish things sometimes, but most of us will want to fix our mistakes.  It's not really fair or productive to label people as "selfish" or "stupid" or "childish" based on a single internet post.

I'm not a sugar coater- I can't do it. I'm really blunt and I prefer to be that way. Anything I post on here I would tell to the brides face because I think it is something they need to hear and I think I'm being constructive. There are times though that I wont comment - like if I don't like an idea or a centerpiece or something, at that point no one needs to hear if I don't like it because my opinion really doesn't matter in your wedding now does it?

Me and you are different- you read a post and think about the brides maturity but don't post it, I will post it because it is something that needs to be said. And again, if a bride was in front of me I would say the same thing. But thats just me, and almost 90% of the time I find that most people say the exact same thing as I say except they sugar coat really well.

My only gripe about weddingbee though is that if there isn't a dissenting voice too many members just continue to say whatever the bride or OP wants to hear-- and to me thats just silly. It has kept me from posting questions on here asking for opinions because everything is just too "nice" and that isn't realistic at all. Usually when I do post a question I ask posters to be brutally honest because I can totally take it- I'm not afraid of the "T" word,

@cupcake I adore Tina Fey!! I think you're right. We can disagree in a way that's not catty or nasty. It is 'bad for business' but I think threads like this where we can talk it over help a lot.

@Josalyn I don't think you're off base, we shouldn't sugar coat things so much that our point gets lost. It isn't going to help anyone that way. I don't think that's the point of this thread (I hope!) But anyone who lacks just basic manners and respect for other people - that's a problem! Sugar coating may not be your style, but that's ok! Most of us are all here to help each other out, and it shows.

While I agree with what's been said here, I think there are a couple things that lead to unhelpful/snarky/"mean" replies.

First, when the original poster of the thread uses strong language and/or speaks badly about others, it automatically sets a bad tone for the thread.  I understand the need to vent, but people should understand that the way they phrase their story or question has a lot to do with the way people respond.

Second, when the original post only tells a piece of the story and leaves out very important details, some people are bound to take it the wrong way.  Most of us don't know each other in real life, so we can only respond to the information we're given.  For example (and not a reference to any actual post, just a generic situation), say the OP is firing a bridesmaid.  She says "my bridesmaid is so busy with her own life that she didn't come over last night to make tissue paper flowers with me, so it was the last straw." I probably wouldn't think it was a great reason to remove her from the wedding party. If I found out ten responses later that the bridesmaid had also stood up the bride four times for dress shopping, wouldn't answer phone calls, and didn't show up as planned because her cute co-worker asked her out on a date that day, my opinion would be quite different.  But in all probability people would have already left messages calling out the OP for being hasty and irrational, which could have been avoided if the OP had just explained the situation better to start with.

Third, we all have different views on what a wedding entails.  While this definitely gives a richness to the forum, it also means that people are going to fundamentally disagree sometimes.  And while I think that most of us care about each other here -- otherwise, we wouldn't take the time to post -- it's important to realize that most of the people in the world don't give a rat's patootie about any of our wedding planning.  Sometimes a dose of reality isn't the worst thing in the world, even if the phrasing is a little blunter than the OP would have liked.  Of course, that's no reason to be intentionally snarky or mean -- but honestly, I see very few responses on Weddingbee that I truly think are written with bad intentions.

I think misunderstandings do occur and some people place more weight on certain words/terms than others. There could easily be a situation where someone makes a comment without realizing how offensive it is to someone else.

But there are other situations (though few) on Wedding Bee where it's made apparent to a poster/commenter that their words are offensive. But rather than apologizing, the person becomes defensive or even confrontational about what they originally said. These are the situations I would consider to be personal attacks rather than constructive criticism.

@mightysapphire: Welp, there went my "all-you-can-eat" chicken wing buffet reception. I was so looking forward to that! ;)

But I completely agree you. I'm all for giving honest advice when it's requested. But prefacing a rude statement with "I'm gonna be honest here..." or "Just my opinion, but..." doesn't make it any less hurtful to the person you're responding to. It also won't make that person any more likely to take your advice since they'll be too busy defending themselves from whatever you said.  

@mightysapphire: [Not to hijack the thread] I'd never heard of a mashed potato bar before until I read another post about it the other day. Seriously, the things I learn on Wedding Bee!

PS -- The idea sounds REALLY good!!! 

I agree with a lot different people on here. I do agree that you should tell the truth and that if someone is asking opinions they should be prepared for the feed back, but it should be a constructive feed back and not rude or nasty for sure. It is easy to look in from the outside and make judgements and since most of us are just meeting for the first time on one written post I don't think we know each other well enough to judge. But I have to say for the most part people are prity open and nice from what I have seen but definetly do say their opinions to:)

 I agree with the if you have nothing nice to say part for sure:)  I think advice should be given to be helpfull and not hurtfull:)

I have to say I have had a lot of people say things that were very hurtfull and judgemental but that is the world a lot, there will always be people out there with no compassion and people who think they know better unfortunetly.

   It has been nice getting to know a lot of REALLY nice people on here and getting a lot of really awesome feedback and support.   It just hurts and bothers me when you get those really judgemental and hurtfull ones and hey I don't even know these people.  For me I probably won't choose to post anymore of my own subjects.