(Closed) Personal Attacks on the Boards

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I have to agree with you. Just because you have a different opinion, doesn’t mean that the world is going to end. The purpose of weddingbee is to lend support to those that need it.

I thought some of the comments on the last post from Ms. SR were way out of line and uncharasteristic of what WB is.

We should all be civil here.

Post # 4
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

I agree also. People are going to stop posting if they have to worry about whether or not they will be judged. And less posts means less help, less ideas and less support. I love weddingbee because I can talk talk talk about weddings and veils and flowers and other things that non-brides get tired of hearing about after a while. I find wedding bee to be incredibly helpful in terms of connecting with people in other areas of the world that can help me with planning my destination wedding. It’s wonderful to get advice from other brides that have been through the process. And fun to get inspiration and bounce your ideas of other bees that are just as into shoe colors and bridesmaids dresses. I hate it when I read something nasty someone else has said. We don’t put our storys and ideas out there to be judged. We do it to get support. Not that I think every comment should be sugarcoated and sweet. If a bee asks a question looking for an honest answer than fine, give your opinion, KINDLY. But otherwise, if you don’t have anything helpful to say, don’t say anything at all.

Post # 5
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - The Desmond Hotel in Malvern, PA

My rule of thumb is to think out what I’d like to say in a constructive manner, write it out, and make sure if someone forced me to say my comment out loud to the person’s face, I could do it.  I think the internet often makes people feel that they can say what they wouldn’t normally say in person, because there is a certain anonymity that they get to hide behind.  That should not discount the fact that there is a real person with real feelings on the other side of the screen.  Sure, there will always be differing opinions, and differences are welcome here.  But there is always a constructive and polite way to say things and rudeness is never necessary here (just as it isn’t in real life).  Sometimes it’s just a matter of one or two words crossing that line. 

Usually people say mean things because they want to get a rise out of someone, so by responding to them, you’re giving them exactly what they want.  Sometimes ignoring them is the best way to go, as hard as that is sometimes.

I appreciate that the boards are moderated to remain an open, friendly place free from rudeness and harsh judgment.  I think there is a clear difference between censoring comments and deleting comments that contain personal attacks.  It says right above the comment box that personal attacks and snarkiness are not welcome on this site, and I think that’s a great rule. 

I love how wonderful and supportive this community is.  There will always be a few people that feel the need to have attitude, but luckily they are the minority on this site. 

Post # 6
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - The Desmond Hotel in Malvern, PA

PS, remember that there is a "flag" button at the bottom of each comment on the boards…. if you feel that a comment contains a personal attack that crosses the line, you can flag a comment so that a moderator is made aware of it.

Post # 8
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - The Desmond Hotel in Malvern, PA

I agree!  The problem usually is that people don’t see it as a personal attack because they’re just "giving their opinion."  They, perhaps, didn’t get the memo that differing opinions can still be expressed in a kind way 🙂

Post # 9
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I used to spend some time on a message board where a small clique of women enjoyed jumping down the throats of posters who they deemed "selfish" or "greedy" or "not mature enough to get married."  They would insist that they were "just being honest" and made fun of anyone who tried to be nice.  Although they never attacked me personally, I eventually stopped posting there because it wasn’t a useful forum (unless your definition of "useful" was "gives the same 5 posters the opportunity to mock other people").

Some disagreement on the boards is inevitable and healthy — we’re all so different, of course we have different approaches to wedding planning!  And if a poster seems to be overreacting, I think it’s OK to point that out and suggest constructive ways to look at a situation.  But we can be honest while still being kind.  I like Mrs. Cupcake’s advice.  Think about what you’d say to a good friend if she said the things you just read online.  Would you tell her she was acting like a "brat" or that she was "childish," or would you gently say, "I think you’re overreacting.  Here’s how I see things …"  Don’t say anything online you wouldn’t say in person.

Post # 10
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I think calling someone a brat or selfish is a pretty negative reflection of the person posting it.  I appreciate a well reasoned compassionate dissent about a topic that is not attacking.  It is harder to do that, but in many ways the ability to express such an opinion in a nice way has the ability to improve the community.

Name calling and belittling does not improve weddingbee or move the conversation forward in a meaningful way.

We can and should be better than that! We should be able to disagree without being disagreeable.

Post # 11
Member
7054 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Agree with DG and CC.  The CONSTRUCTIVE COMMENT is much more effective imho, and it also builds the other person up rather than making them feel defensive, hurt, or insulted.  What’s the real purpose in calling somebody a bratt or a negative name anyway?  Really.  I doubt you’d speak to your friends in real life like that.  Even if you have no clue who the woman is you’re responding to, just remember this board is to help brides to be answer questions and glean insight and get opinions.  Isn’t that in of itself POSITIVE? 

There’s no competition here at all.  Just a large group of women, enjoying their time, trying to make style sense, financial sense, and relationship sense at a really wonderful point in their lives.  Like a large group of women meeting out for brunch or coffee if you will.  At least, this is how I envision us here.

Post # 12
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree with all that was said above! I hope we actually DON’T always agree on everything all the time, because the variety of backgrounds and opinions here are what makes Wedding Bee so great. It’s easy to hide behind an anonymous screen name and leave nasty comments, and it does really reflect poorly on that person. I’m glad that the majority of the people here aren’t like that!

On top of that, I think sometimes we need a place to go and vent. Wedding planning is so stressful, and it’s nice to have the support we have here. Maybe we get down because something isn’t working like we want and we just need a moment to vent before we pick ourselves back up and find a solution. I don’t think it’s being "bratty" or a "bridezilla" if it helps someone cope and move past the problem at hand without taking it out on their family or FI! 

Post # 13
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee

Personally ~ I always try to answer postings with my opinion.  It is certainly just that – an OPINION – obviously for anyone to take or leave.  Attacking someone for a question or decision is a waste of energy.  I’m just glad that I haven’t run into any snarkiness myself and I think that the majority of the girls that are here are respectful and truly helpful.  We’ll stick around and the ones that decide to get snippy will feel out of place and find a more appropriate place to "bee". 

BTW AMANDOPOLIS – you handled yourself well.  🙂

Post # 14
Member
7054 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I just love this place because of the POSITIVE energy that buzzes about.  That’s what has made this board so awesome.  We are lucky imho..there’s been very little negativity going around here and if we just post with opinions and constructive comments, then this place is gonna bee-come even better.

Other sites have that negatitivity vibe going…I’m, here because that hasn’t been the case!  

Post # 15
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I’ve come across posts where my initial thoughts were really negative (thinking the idea was terrible, t*cky, etc).  But I never post those thoughts.  Instead I’ll give my opinoin in a tactful and constructive way.

I mostly think that rude and negative posters are just trying to make people feel like crap and get a rise out of them as Mrs. Cupcake mentioned.  If you really want a poster to take your opinion to heart, present it in a positive way that makes them more likely to agree with you!

Overall I think Weddingbee is a wonderful and supportive community.  I think it’s important to remember that!  As a community we readily police ourselves and make it clear to snarky posters that their brand of ‘advice’ is unwelcome. Snarky comments are often followed by a flood of responses that make it clear we don’t tolerate rude and hurtful comments.

Post # 16
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

If there’s a personal attack, then please flag the post and we will remove it!

It does get tricky when someone disagrees with the original poster and is extremely blunt about it.  If the comment is strongly worded but at the same time refrains from a personal attack, we will generally try to avoid deleting the comment. 

Instead, we may leave a comment strongly supporting the original poster and/or private message the commenter to let them know that their comment was close to the line and to please be careful.

It’s a tricky balance to maintain, between keeping the community positive and still allowing for strong opinions and disagreement.  If there’s a particular comment that feels like it crosses the line, please flag it and we will review it right away!

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