Post # 1
Okay, so as many of you know, I am in a relationship with an amazing man who I think is the One.
He is my only serious long-term relationship, after a series of casual and short-term relationship.
He, on the other side, has been in two previous long-term relationships of about 4 years each, and the last one resulted in an engagement.
One thought keeps bothering me; I feel so certain that he is the man I wanna spend my life with, but I worry that he just considers this simply to be “another relationship” and nothing special. On days where I am feeling particularly down I think that this is why he does not want to get engaged anytime soon – because he does not think this relationship is anything special and will therefore not last. We have only been dating for a year, while he dated those other two girls for four years each.
His ex-FI was really into the sort of music he likes, while I only like some of it. This may sound like it’s no big deal, but music is a big part of his life and I feel like I cannot share that with him to such a big extent. He has told me that it’s no big deal to him that I don’t like the same sort of music like he does, but when I am feeling down I think that he liked it better when he was with his ex because they could share this stuff.
How do I stop myself from thinking about stuff like this, how can I become more secure? The only thing that gives me comfort is that he told me he loves me more than he ever loved his other girlfriends.
Post # 3
Most guys, regardless of their past relationships (or lack thereof) are not ready to get married after a year of dating. So don’t overinterpret! In terms of the impact those two relationships had on him, just think about how you would feel if you came out of 8 years of relationships that ultimately ended. Would you really be looking for just another relationship? I personally would be tired of wasting all that time and looking for the real thing already! I mean, a lot of guys want to have fun before settling down, but 8 years is a long time to invest into two girls you don’t end up staying with. So you have nothing to worry about it – I think he’s all done having “just another relationship” and ready for the real thing!
Post # 4
Thank you for your reply 🙂 I always try to focus on how good we are together. I have never felt this way about anyone and he says this love is the strongest he has felt, so that must count for something.
I often think to myself that I found a guy who is now mature and experienced. I would not want to settle down with a 20-something guy who has not yet had all of this “fun”.
I just needed to vent this 🙂
Post # 5
I know it must be tough when you’re worried about his past relationships, but keep reminding yourself that he’s chosen to be with you. Also, remember what he’s saying–that he’s never loved anyone as much as you! A long relationship does not always equal a good one. I’ve known plenty of people (myself included!) who got stuck in a “rut” and stayed in a relationship longer than we should have, even if it was pretty clear it wasn’t going to work out in the long run. I can also relate to the different music tastes, but I think as long as no one’s giving the other one a migraine from horrible music, it shouldn’t wind up being a big deal. 🙂
Post # 6
The thing about the music is that I don’t mind listening to his CDs at all (mostly), but he loves going to gigs to see metal bands live and I don’t like that so much. I come along to concerts once in a while, but I don’t enjoy them as much as he does (I need my space, so I get annoyed with all the screaming, sweaty people pushing you around).
And with regards to long relationships… well I have a close friend who is stuck in a four-year relationship that she has been wanting to get out of for as long as I can remember. So I do realise that being in a four-year relationship and being engaged does not automatically equal a good relationship.
My Boyfriend or Best Friend told me the only reason he got engaged to his ex was because the relationship was falling apart and he saw the engagement as a last resort. That makes me think that maybe he wants to be more cautious (e.g. take longer to get engaged) this time. Or am I simply overthinking things way too much?
Post # 7
Oh honey I was there last year! My boyfriend and his ex shared the same profession – which he devotes his life to! For the life of me I just don’t CARE or want to know anything about it and that made me soooooo nervous! He doesn’t talk to her really which is fine. But of course when you’re in a situation where you’re soo different to a big part of your significant other’s life – I get it!
Trust that this is by design, though! I am soo glad we have our own interests because it’s something I admire in my boyfriend tremendously!! I think if you go into a relationship with open honest communication about what you need (i.e. for me it was marriage and a baby), you are fine! Sure, people change their minds, but honestly if you can have an open discussion about how important it is to you then move forward and smile. Check in and make sure you’re both on the same page.
Life would NOT be life without struggle in one form or fashion! 🙂
Post # 8
Some people just tend to have long relationships, often because they don’t end it when things aren’t moving forward because nothing is terrible.
I’m totally that way. Every relationship I have had has been over a year and the last before my 4 years with Fiance was 5 years. It definitely took some time at the beginning of this relationship to completely grow apart from the guy before because we had literally talked every day for 5 years, but it faded like everything does.
Just remember that his past relationships did not work for whatever reason and yours is working, yay!
Post # 9
I am glad to hear that I am more normal than I think haha.
I hate the fact that I feel so insecure about his exes (especially the one he was engaged to), because I know their relationship was pretty bad the last 1-2 years they were together. And I have already caused two arguments with my Boyfriend or Best Friend about my insecurity over his ex.
About a week ago, he mention in ex in a conversation about someone she knew (she didn’t play a part in this story though). He said “I hope you don’t mind me mentioning her”. That made me feel bad, so I tried to explain to him in a rational way that the reason why she makes me feel insecure is that they were engaged, and at the moment I don’t know if I will ever have that with him. I told him that now that I have told him that he is the man I wanna marry and he doesn’t feel ready to discuss that topic, I feel vulnerable and therefore in a weird way I also feel threatened by her. He must have taken this as some sort of attack on him because he ended up pretty angry :S He told me that I make him go through all the emotions of the break-up with her by saying how insecure I feel about her and making him reassure me how shit their relationship was at the end, and I have been feeling terrible about it the whole week. Even though I was only trying to rationalise my insecurity to him, and he took it completely the wrong way.
I really don’t want to cause another argument about his ex as I don’t want to allow her to influence my relationship with him. So I need to stop worrying about it, but that’s easier said than done.
Post # 10
Just forgot to add that after his initial anger last week, he was very sweet and told me he doesn’t not want to be without me, and his anger quickly faded. The reason I still feel bad is because I hate the idea of me making him feel bad about his past. It would feel awful if he judged me on my past experiences, and I really don’t wanna do the same to him
Post # 11
My Fiance was engaged before he met me and ME getting over her was a lot harder than HIM getting over her. She was a hurdle with us for months (man, i hate admitting that). As hard as it is, just keep reminding yourself that his past relationships 1) ended for a reason – if he was happy and in love with his exes he would still be with them and 2) our past makes us who we are, so those relationships got him ready to be the man you love. Trust him, but also trust that he is with you because you are an amazing girl and he loves you! The rest will work itself out.
One more thing: whenever I wanted to say something about the ex, I would say in in my head, take a deep breath and smile at my Fiance. Sounds silly, but saved us a lot of fights 🙂
Post # 12
Thank you Ladyox, it’s good to hear that I am not completely insane for worrying about this stuff!
The good news is that I have finally been able to get over the fact that he was engaged before, that seems quite insignificant to me now. The only reason why I still feel somewhat insecure (not all the time though, only when I’m feeling down) about that is because I want to get engaged to him myself, and he doesn’t want to quite yet. But then I try to remind myself that he said he will ask when he feels ready…. and that makes me feel better 🙂
I have to say I feel much better after venting this here rather than talking my to Boyfriend or Best Friend about it.
And about the music stuff, well I guess it’s healthy for us to have different interests. And I guess I will have to trust him when he says it’s no big deal that I am not into his music.
Post # 13
Well seeing as how you “think” you are sure, it just sounds to me like you guys aren’t ready to get married yet. But that’s ok! Give it some more time. Most people do not date for only a year before they find out if they are “the one” and are ready to get married. Some do, but most do not. For me, it took us like 2 years to be like “ooo this is definitely a permanent thing”. From about 6 months to 2 years it was like “oh i like where this is going…but not 100% sure yet”.
Give it time! don’t read too much into his interests with exes. I definitely do not think liking the same music is a big deal personally. That’d be like how Darling Husband likes zombie/horror flicks and I don’t. It’s OK to have separate interests!
Give your relationship time to grow and blossom a little more. ENjoy what you have right now, try not to worry too much about the next step
Post # 14
My fiance is a music major(!) so he is way into his music, but I only like some of it. We’ve actually started something to conquer that, and maybe you could try this too?
He’s been making me “Fiance’s Mix for Gemstone” CDs and I’ve been making him “Gemstone’s Mix for Fiance” CDs. Basically, each CD has songs of each of our individuals “kinds” of music that we think the other will like. Not songs that make us think of each other, but songs from music we listen to that the other will like. It’s been fun and it’s opened us up to new music!
Could you try something like that?
Post # 15
Also, to address the bigger question (sorry…I got so excited about how my idea could help that I just hit submit!)….he wouldn’t be with you if he didn’t see a future. Sounds like what you guys have is special!
Maybe try looking at it from another perspective—his other relationships have been instrumental in teaching him what he does and doesn’t want. Clearly, he is not still with his ex, despite the fact that they shared music taste. That means that it really isn’t something that is important.
After every relationship, we refine our ideas of who our “right” person is. He sees that in you…that’s why he is with you!
Post # 16
Thank you ladies 🙂
I keep reminding myself that he is who he is because of his experiences, and the truth is that I would not want to change anything about him. He really is the most amazing and wonderful man I have ever met.
@sarahhsd: I completely understand, I have seen several friends stay in bad relationships simply because they don’t want to be single, not because they love their partner. I don’t think I could do that though, for me the love is essential and I don’t think I could stay with someone if I didn’t think it was going somewhere. My Boyfriend or Best Friend told me some time ago that he is past that phase in his life where he dates someone just to have a girlfriend, so I suppose he must see a future with me even though he doesn’t talk about it so much.
@gemstone: the CD thing sounds like a good idea 🙂 will definitely try that