Post # 1
Im a regular poster but made a new account to remain anonymous.
My husband and I have been married for 10+ years. No kids. We married very young. Im at a cross roads in my life at the moment. I dont feel like a wife; more so a roommate with him.
He is just a totally different person than when we first met. We both are. I cannot stand him anymore. Hes just very antisocial, he hates going out but complains about how we never do! I ask him to go places, do things with me ALL the time and he never wants to. We literally have nothing in common anymore.
Hes very rude. He cusses ALL the time which I cannot stand. Ill constantly compliment him and do nice things and never really get anything in return.
Another big thing between us is kids. I want them, and he does not. When we were dating and even the first few years we were married he was all about kids and loved them, talked about it all the time. He is so against having them now and it makes me very sad. Hes constantly makes remarks such as ” I dont ever want kids, Ill be really upset if you get pregnant”. I dont know if hes joking about it or being serious. My periods are really sporatic (sp?) and if I go without one for a month or two he says “cause your preggo!” like hes excited. Anytime I talk about kids hes like well good thing we arent ever having any. at least you wont with me…. It really hurts my feelings.Ive even asked him why and he said cause he just wants to focus and be with me and go do amazing things…….but it never happens. We never took a vacation in our life together or even had an official honeymoon! so i dont see that ever happening!
I love him very much and I know that no matter what we would be great friends, Im just not so sure we are compatible together anymore.
We have had tons of talks about this, so its nothing new for him. We always work on things and its great, then a few months later back to the same old routine. I feel like we love each other but have fallen out of love…………if that makes sense.
He makes WAY more money than I do. I was also curious if anyone has ever started their own secret account and just started stashing money away in case you ever had to leave. I just dont want to be totally unprepaired if things get worse. I know this sounds terrible. We have a joint account so I know if we ever parted ways Id be S.O.L. He basically pays for everything and my checks are for runningfun money.
I dont really even know why I wrote all of this out. I just needed to vent I suppose.
Post # 3
I’m so sorry-I’ve been in a similar situation and it sucks. As to whether you should leave or work it out, I don’t know. I’m going to address the financial question: You are NOT terrible for wanting to be prepared-just in case. Do you have your own bank account in addition to the joint onee? If not, open one and start stashing money away. Every married woman should have her own bank account and credit cards.
Also, if you live in a community property state, you are entitled to half of all marital assets accumulated during the course of your marriage. And that’s everything, from property to furniture. I don’t know if you work or not, but after 10 years in California, you can get alimony for life. But this will be more difficult if you are able to work and don’t have kids. But you should be able to negotiate at least 5 years if you get a good attorney. Especially if you husband makes substantially more money than you.
And do not feel bad or guilty about taking it if it comes to that. You will need it to build a new life if this marriage should fail. And do not depend on him to do right by you. He may be cooperative but if he wants to be an ass, you should be prepared. And remember: it’s your money too.
Good luck and take care of your own interests first!
Post # 4
@oldbee:There is no shame in having your own money, in fact it’s smart!! You should always be able to support yourself in the event you need to.
Post # 5
Although my fiance and I never got married, we were together for 7 years and lived together for a portion of that time. I completely understand the “love” but not “in love” feeling you are describing. I still love him and talk to him but we know that it just was not meant to be.
Maybe some of your issues could be worked through with counseling and talking more but if he REALLY does not want kids and you do, to me that is a deal breaker. On the money thing..my Mom told me years after her divorce to my Sister’s Dad that when we picked out our new house she made sure that she would be able to afford it on her own. They had been through counseling but I guess she was pretty sure that it was going to end. There is no reason why you cannot be ready for supporting yourself given the present circumstances.
Post # 6
How does it work if both our vehicles are in his name? even though the car is techically “mine” . My car was totalled about a year ago and we just got a used car to drive until my income became high enough I could pay a car payment as well as a couple other bills in my name. The used car is in his name. As well as his car. I dont think he would be mean enough to try to take that away but ya never know!
The kids thing IS a deal breaker for me. I dont really see a point in living this life together if we no long share the same goals and wants in life….. He comes off as joking about it all the time but i dont know if hes kidding or just doing it to mask his fear of actually becoming a daddy……..its hurtful when he says that stuff none the less.
Post # 7
You should always have a stash of your own money, so start today! However you can manage to accumulate some, get it done and make sure you hide it well.
It may be a blessing that you don’t have any children with him, if things are this bleak. People change all the time, but this all sounds like it isn’t change for the better.
I wish you luck in figuring out what it is you need to do. (and find yourself a good attorney)
Post # 8
I was a stay at home wife and mom in my first marriage and had nothing in my own name.
I did however, open a bank account and start stashing money away when I knew that our marriage was doomed. Most grocery stores let you add cah back to your bill. That’s an easy way to start an escape fund.
The next thing I did was get him to transfer my car into my name. I honestly can’t remember what I said to get him to do it but it made leaving easier.
Have you tried counselling? Even if it won’t save the marriage it may give both of you some understanding.
Post # 9
I asked him to transfer my car into my name and he got kind of offended and kept asking why. I just said its not fair, if its my car, why isnt it in my name? and he said Ok Fine, ill do it and you can start paying the insurance and tags etc… I dont think he really cares eitherway.
Post # 10
So sad for you dear. I am sorry you are going through this. I will say it does sound odd to an outsider that you really want kids with a man you are seeking advice to leave. Do you really wants kids with him or do you just really want kids? I can also say even IF my husband made 3 times as much as me, there is NO reason we would have everything in his name. Him putting everything in his name would be a red flag to me. As a woman I say be smart about making sure you will be taken care of, do what you gotta do in case you have to leave. It sounds as though you have been doing all the right things though. stay strong.