Post # 1
I just read a post from a lady about how, at times, the bees here can be a bit harsh on another bee for her post. The one thing that got to me was this…Something was mentioned bout ‘talking negatively about SO/FI/DH’ and Bee’s responding with “why do you stay with him then?” types of comments. I want to point out something. Marriage is for life! (unless something horrible happens and we all know what I am talking about here-and even then, this is my opinion) But we should be able to come here and vent about our SO not being on their best behavior. We are not perfect either.
I do not get into many arguments with my FI but at times, for that split second, I want to just give in or call it off but I know I won’t because I love him. No matter what I will never leave him. Isn’t this what commitment is? Have we lost touch with this and the whole concept of marriage? Even if the couple is not yet married, we should encourage them to try to work through it, yet sadly, we do not.
I just wanted to make this a point. If a bee is blatantly making her SO out to be a total terror, even then we should support her and be there for HER. I don’t think any of us are qualified to be marriage counselors so we should try not to just flat out tell her what to do. I also have had some major negative responses to my posts but it hasn’t scared me away. To another bee it could and we need to be mindful of that. We are all adults here and we should be a tight knit community for all.
I guess when it is all said and done, all I am trying to do is point out how quick we are to tell someone to walk away. And that we should remind ourselves and each other what type of commitment we are all getting into here.
Post # 3
@realtreegal: It’s really hard to read a post about a bee who is being abused, or cheated on, or who just isn’t in love with her SO anymore, and NOT want to tell her to walk away. Yes, we all want to believe that marriage is forever, but the fact is that sometimes, things just don’t work out.
Post # 4
If they are married, usually I wouldn’t jump to telling them to walk away unless it was a situation involving abuse, routine infidelity, or addiction. And if it involves abuse or someone who has cheated repeatedly, I do think the OP should leave.
If you’re only dating then I will generally recommend ending the relationship versus trying to make it work in situations where there are very serious issues. This is because marriage will not fix problems in the relationship nor change the man/woman into someone else. If you can’t fix it within a certain amount of time while dating (which most posters have already tried), there really isn’t much hope that I see.
Most of the time, I see people who drag out unhappy and miserable relationships where everyone (from the outside) can tell that it will never work. They do this because they would rather be in an unhappy relationship than alone or because they’ve invested time and are afraid of starting over.
In the real world…marriage is not forever. There is no reason to spend your life miserable because you don’t want a divorce.
Post # 5
In the case where she isn’t safe …that was what I was referring to when I said “unless something horrible happens” ….
Post # 6
@realtreegal: I think the problem is a lot of times when people post something to vent they only focus on the negative. The bees who read it respond to the side of the story they’re hearing without thinking about the fact that all the information is not there. Just because someone says something hurtful in a fight or something like that, doesn’t mean they are a terrible person and they should get divorced. I think bees who post need to realize that other people don’t know their SO and if they only say negative things, that’s what people will respond to. And bees that are responding to these threads need to realize they don’t have all the information.
@PermaStudent: I agree if someone is being abused or something like that they should be advised to walk away. But, I have seen bees tell others to leave the relationsihp over much, much less.
Post # 7
I think many can call upon failed relationships and failed marriages here on the Bee and when we see red flags, we speak up.
I seriously think the girl with the pre-nup issues needs to dump her guy, but that is her decision. I don’t think anyone gave her bad info.
I was married to a serial cheater with a very volatile temper. If I see someone posting about those issues, I will cut to the chase with her.
If you look on the emotional board and all the broken engagements, it isn’t hard to see that every engagement isn’t destined to result in marriage. If you post about red flags, hopefully someone will have the backbone to share their experiences or to help you get your head out of your backside when you keep posting to defend something HUGE that your FI did to you, “but, really, he is a sweet, generous person”. Not always, and sometimes bees need to hear that from uninvolved people.
It would be a tragedy to not say anything when there are huge (and I mean the big stuff) red flags in a post and you can share experiences about that that would result in breaking up.
Yeah, there are many small vents that are just that, vents. But there are plenty of posts on here that talk about really huge issues that should be dealt with before moving forward.
Post # 8
@realtreegal: I have noticed this too. I think we should focus on support over demanding a reaction.
Post # 9
@realtreegal: Ah well, it’s not that I take marriage lightly (and I have rarely, if ever, told a bee to walk away from a relationship unless she was in a really bad place), but I’m also of the camp that would say I’d rather be happily divorced than miserable and married. To each his/her own.
Post # 10
@realtreegal: No marriage is not for life. If it was there would not be something called divorce. Can you CHOOSE to be married for life? Sure. But it’s not like herpes- once it’s yours theres no ending it type of situation it most def is not. You can choose to divorce for any reason under the sun you feel like. I don’t think I have ever suggested divorce, ever. But if you are only dating or only engaged and your life sucks because your relationship is so toxic then yep, I will suggest breaking it off. Life is too short to be unhappy. BOTH people have to want it to work and if your partner will not or can not change their behavior what are you supposed to do? Be miserable forever because you don’t want to be seen as ” giving up”?
Post # 11
@realtreegal: I agree that we should support the OP. However, being engaged and being married are two very different things. If they are miserable and are engaged, no one HAS to stay. If the OP is questioning whether to stay or go, why not say go? Why stick in a non-binding relationship to someone they painted as a jerk?
My mother has told me time and again, since I was a young kid, that I don’t owe any man ANYTHING until I walk down that aisle and say I do. To put false committments on engaged couples is not right. Their intention is to get married but it’s ok that some don’t make it to the altar. It’s just fine in fact.
For married Bees, it is hard as an outsider to be supportive when the OP make themselves seems so downtrodden. I do believe people should make happy lives for themselves. We do that everyday by the choices we make. If, after some hardwork and due consideration, the marriage cannot be fixed (I’m over simplifying this process), stop bailing out the water and find a life raft before you sink with the darn ship.
As a disclaimer, I come from the product of a happy marriage. However, I would hope that if I was ever so, so miserable in a marriage that I would be able to take steps to make it better. If I couldn’t make it better, I really hope I’d be able to seek a divorce. I’m not interested in a lifetime of suffering if my partner and I cannot make it work. Period. End of story.
Post # 12