Post # 1
Im absolutely petrified of having children. I had a pretty rough childhood in reference to my parents constantly fighting, that and my mom being very emotionally overbearing. I look at families around me, and many seem to constantly be at odds with eachother. I have to be honest, it kind of depresses me when I see a highly frustrated mother that has let herself go, and wild children running around.
My biggest dream is to set up a career on my own where I work independently but I feel I won’t be able to achieve that as once I have a child, my life is over? Maybe I’m being dramatic but I guess because my mother sacrificed so much for us (sometimes extremely suffocating), that I feel what if I do the same? Luckily, my husband is makes good money but he works for the family business so I sometimes feel like I’m in a golden cage. I’m not financially independent but even though I have had 1 year and a half of marriage to resume my career again, I haven’t. Don’t get me wrong, he really supports me but it’s just me. I didn’t want to continue the path I was on, and now that I know what I want and am starting to work towards it, I am afraid I’ll never achieve anything.
I don’t know if these are my fears because of my own relatively unhappy childhood. Weirdly enough, I DO want a child of my own, but I want to raise a child that can look up to me and one that I will not suffocate with my own unrealised ambitions as my mother had a tendency to do. Also my parents marriage was very shaky growing up and the notion of family is one I find depressing. Maybe because of my own background? It even affects my marriage now when I see my husband being domesticated and talking about family planning and settling down. It makes my heart race.
I feel conflicted as on one end, I want a child, on the other I have this dream I want to fufill and to become financially independent from my OWN husband. I’m 27 and a half and maybe that seems young, but at the same time, it’s not. I don’t know what I’m looking for here, but any words of advise would really help. I’m just insanely conflicted. Please help.
Post # 3
I think you sound like a very self-aware and extremely responsible woman! Your concerns make a lot of sense!
To me, it’s only responsible to want to be self-sufficient financially aside from your husband. Aside from the issue of wanting to set a good example for future children, what if something were to happen to him and you were forced to become the breadwinner? Best to be prepared for that, right?
The idea of wanting to be a good living example for your future children is so dead on. You want to be proud of yourself so your little ones can also be proud of you and walk in your footsteps.
You’re 27, that’s not terribly old! Why not take a year or two and build your career, start a business, go to school or something like that? Set a path for yourself personally. Nothing wrong with that at all!
Post # 4
@CurlyWurly: I suggest you go see a counsellor… a neutral third party where you can get to the root of this. It can really help – I had a few sessions myself with one.
Absolutely – your past will definitely affect your present and future. And that’s perfectly normal.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to get your career off the ground before you have kids. That’s what a lot of us do. I’m also 27 and scared to have kids. I am pretty sure I want at least one, but I too am worried about the sacrifices that need to be made. But then again I realize that my guy is great and I don’t even have to take a full year off work if I don’t want to. My mom gave a lot up for my sister and I and it hurt her. But I don’t ever plan on being a stay at home mom like she did.
I’m a little confused on your job situation the way you describe it, but I guess my suggestion is to get back into it as soon as you can. Your husband does sound like he’s supportive.
You don’t have to have kids right away. Realistically you could still wait til you’re 34-35 and you’d still be fine.
I’m not even sure this is all about the kids. I think you feel like you have something to prove – to yourself, the world. Focus on that, and then think about having kids.
Keep in mind though that some women have made great things happen while being mothers. Sure it’s a bit harder and you need to prioritize and maybe sleep a little less, but kids don’t make or break you.
I struggle w. the idea of gaining weight, having less time to myself, etc.. but especially if you have a supportive husband, you can have the best of both worlds. I highly recommend a blog that I read daily – it’s called A Cup of Jo. Joanna blogs about her experiences as a mother (she’s a writer/blogger and juggles working w. her baby), and she often features other mothers and their work/life balance. The URL is: http://www.joannagoddard.blogspot.com
Post # 5
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
It sounds like you’re just not quite ready yet. Spend the next year completely on yourself. Get motivated, do something. Build your career, go back to school, volunteer with an organization. I agree that it’s a good idea to be somewhat financially independent before having children for just in case something happens to your husband and you are left alone to raise them.
You don’t have to be the mom that lets herself go. You can remain an individual and still be a great mom. Have you read Bringing up Bebe? It’s a great book about an American mom contrasting basic American style parenting with French parenting. French mothers seem to know how to balance being an individual with being a good mother.
Definitely talk to your husband about your feelings. It doesn’t have to be negative. He may have ideas or suggestions about what you can do to be more ready to take that step.
Post # 6
not able to respond properly now as im typing from my phone haha but i wanted to thank you guys for the suggestions. i think it def has something to do with me proving something to myself. in response to a question asked, my career background was in finance,and then i did my masters. i met my now husband when doing my masters and moved across the world for him. initially i couldnt find anything in my field but then realised instead of working at a job i wasnt interested in(thankfully hubby was supportive) to try and set someyhing up on my own.
natually this will take time and i know that. i guess alot of my fear comes from moving away fromm the conventional career route and maybe feeling judged as ppl keep asking me how the business is coming along.
furthermore i am just scared of losing myself. maybe this has nothing to do with age. what if i never am where i want to be. i just feel my parents marriage and their idea of raising us scarred me
Post # 7
I feel conflicted about having kids too- you’re not alone. I have seen it put a lot of stress on marriages, and I like being able to go away on weekends and just relax after work with a book, or take a class, or just veg on the couch and watch TV with no one bothering me.
I wouldn’t be worried about “moving away from the traditional career route” because you don’t have to; in fact, a lot of people don’t even have that option. Focus on the positive- you are lucky to have that choice.
Before you have kids, work on building your career. It sounds like you would feel better if you took some steps in that direction before deciding if you want to be a Stay-At-Home Mom or go back to work. And if you do decide to be a Stay-At-Home Mom, you would have something to go back to when your kids go to school.