Post # 1
So, I’m not sure if I overreacted, but I would appreciate anyone’s insight into this situation. Unfortunately, I can be a jealous person sometimes, but only when it comes to my fiance’s ex-girlfriends. He dated a girl for a few years throughout high school and college before we started dating. However, early in our relationship over 2 years ago, we had a rocky few months during which he started speaking to her once & then went on a ski trip with her when we were broken up for 2 months. The fact that it did not take him a long time to begin talking with her and seeing her again made me very upset, but since then, he has not had any communication with her as far as I know. I do trust him, and I know he loves me and wants to marry me now. It just bothers me to think about how much she has meant to him in the past, and I do get jealous feelings.
Two nights ago, I was on his computer saving some pictures, and I noticed a folder titled “past life.” Naturally, I was curious…When I opened the folder, it was full of pictures of her. Some were from a group trip in high school, others from the ski trip that I mentioned above. There were also 4 pictures of another girl from college saved. He said that he had only hung out with this particular girl one time in a group, so I was confused. This made me very sad. I am very nonconfrontational, so I didn’t mention anything for an entire day, thinking about whether it was worth it to bring it up or not. I decided to mention it last night, and he said that I was overreacting and if I was secure with myself and our relationship, I would not have been upset. I felt bad immediately, thinking it was my fault to question him and his intentions. He said it was a big part of his life in the past & he likes to preserve memories. So do I, but I do not keep pictures of ex’s in their own file. Honestly, it made me feel like I don’t measure up to her (even though I never have low self-esteem usually) or our relationship doesn’t. When I asked if he still had some type of feelings for her, he said of course not and asked if I was crazy.
Then, he got out of bed to delete all of the pictures. Ultimately, this did not satisfy me because I was more interested in the reason that they were there in the first place, not if he looked at them or not.
So, I’m just wondering what you all think about this. Am I overreacting? Should I apologize? Should I leave the issue alone? I feel like I didn’t do anything wrong though. I just explained my feelings, which may or may not have been appropriate. This morning he seemed to be a little distant, so I think it is still bothering him too. Thank you for any advice or insight into the situation!
Post # 3
I have an ex that saved EVERY PICTURE OF EVERY GIRL EVER EVER EVER. He was a total creep, though. (Think online dating, he’s late 30’s and wants to date strictly 18-21 year olds). He had a bunch of pics, I mean album on top of album of girls including his ex wife, still talks to her, gives her money when she cries..she cheated on him, and had another guy’s baby, and he’s trying to pay her rent..what an idiot….lets girls move in right away after meeting them ( I moved in in less than six months and I found out I was about the fifth girl), has two engagement rings from two different attempts…….so I’d say that one little album isn’t soooo bad. I have a ton of stuff ( I found on my old computer) from a guy I lived with for four years. I mean, we had a life together. And I’ve been dragging around baseball cards of an ex’s for about ten years (omg, I just found out I’m totally pathetic)…DH just laughs at me, but I forget that stuff is in the basement. I’d just let it go.
Post # 4
I would leave it alone. You found them, you confronted him, he deleted them – on his OWN will. It is not unusual for anyone to have pictures from their past. Pictures saved that they most likely forgot they had.
I think your best bet is to find confidence in yourself and your relationship!! Realize that you found someone whom loves you, and realize that we have all our pasts, but he is with you TODAY. Good luck 🙂
Post # 5
@bride2be615: I think that you did nothing wrong (well, I’m not sure what agreements you guys have about snooping on each other’s computers) but neither do I think he is in the wrong.
Ultimately, I think that it’s too bad he deleted photos. He will come to you with a past life. You come with a past life. How much he is invested in that past life is the real issue, not the fact that there are photos on a computer.
I would apologize for the loss of his photos and your role in that even though you did not insist that he delete them.
But also keep one eye open for re-appearence of ex-girlfirend.
Post # 6
Both my FI and I have a box of stuff from “past lives”. I don’t think it’s a big deal. He’s choosing to be with you, not with her. A file on his computer doesn’t change that.
As far as measuring up, he wants to be with you, he relegated her to one file on his computer. It’s not even close who he values more.
Post # 7
I do think you’re overreacting. “Past life” means past life. He then deleted the pictures on his own will. It doesn’t sound like you have anything to worry about.
Post # 8
I’d leave it alone. He deleted everything, so that’s that, no need to bring it up again. I still have lots of old photos and things from old relationships – doesn’t mean I ever dwell on them or wish I was still with the guys. It’s just memories of the past that I know I’d personally regret deleting some day when I’m older – I don’t pretend my life began at 26 when I married my husband.
Post # 9
I don’t think it’s that bad to keep pictures of exes. I have a file on my computer with pictures of me and some ex boyfriends. I mean, they were all a part of my life at one point. Doesn’t mean I still have feelings for them. I wouldn’t worry about it at all.
Post # 10
I’d have been upset for a few reasons. One…we have social media so there’s no reason to keep pics of a woman you were seeing romantically in a two month break we had as a couple especially a “past life,” like it’s something to be mourned or romanticized. Two- I don’t enjoy it when either party in the couple accuses the other of being crazy when they feel weird about stuff.
I dont think you overreacted and it seems like it caused you both to think on the matter and how you view something you hadn’t discussed before. I always think it’s important to have these sorts of discoveries/fall out before your married because you can work it out ahead of time/discover if something isn’t right.
Best of luck on this sitch. Seems like its all resolved.
Post # 11
I keep all my photos from past relationships… I’m sure I have thousands actually because I live with a camera attached to my hand. I like to keep them I like to see how I’ve changed and remember everywhere I’ve been in my life, a lot of these are vacation photos. My DH knew that when he started dating me though so I guess that’s a little different. I think some people just like to keep them, to see their past, to see how they changed, ect.
Post # 12
The fact that he lets you use his computer suggests that he trusts you, and isn’t trying to hide things from you; but you write “I noticed a folder titled “past life.” Naturally, I was curious...” WHY?? Do you need to know every detail of his life before you? Why do you think it’s ok to snoop?
I think that the folder was titled “Past Life” should have been reassuring. He thinks of her as his past.
I have photos of me with guys I dated long before I met my husband. I don’t keep the old photos because I’m pining away for an ex (I actively dislike one ex now, but still have photos from trips we took in college.) I keep them because AT THE TIME I was happy, I was having fun and that relationship is part of what made me who I am today. I like occasionally looking at pictures from my spring break trip to Gulf Shores, I think I looked awesome at the formal Christmas parties and even though I’m posed with an ex – it’s a fun memory. I rarely look at the old pictures – mostly it happens when somebody has asked me something about college and I’m trying to see if I have any photos of *THAT* costume party or something.
If your FI had … ahemm… adult themed photos of these women from his past life squirreled away, you probably would have a reason to be upset. But pictures of innocent, happy times? I find it realistic that he just wanted to hold on to happy memories – especially if he doesn’t have contact with some (or any) of the people from those trips.
I also see his willingness to delete the pictures (when he realized that they upset you) as a sign that he wants to please you and that he loves you.
I’d say this “issue” is mostly with you – unless there’s more to this story. You used somebody else’s computer, you got nosy, you didn’t like what you found, you confronted the owner of the files, he explained – but you weren’t satisfied, he deleted the files. Now you both feel weird about it.
It seems like you should have a chat. Calmly ask about his reasons for keeping the photos, listen and accept his explaination. Explain your feelings to him – calmly. See if you both feel better afterwards. Unless he’s otherwise being shady, I think you overreacted. 🙁
Post # 13
I think FauxPas2012 said it best. We all have past lives that can’t be ignored. I went on a trip to Europe with an ex. That means that a lot of the pictures I have of Europe have the two of us in them. But I’m keeping the pictures because, even though I’m not with him anymore, I still want those memories of that trip.
Also, since he deleted the photos without you asking, I don’t think you have anything to worry about.
Post # 14
He shouldn’t have to erase his past to be in the present with you, I get why your upset, it’s not anything to worry about though, these are happy memories contained in these photos, regardless of who’s in them or where they’re from, he’s just keeping the memories that mean the most to him. The fact that they’re with exes isn’t too surprising, but it certainly is no indication of dissatisfaction with you, but an earmark of a very sensitive and loving person…your a lucky girl.
Post # 15
My husband still has photos from times with his exes, and they don’t bother me at all. They are printed photos from 10 years ago all thrown in a box in the basement. We’ve gone through them together a few times. I would’nt ask him to throw them away (even though he would have no problem doing so) anymore then I would throw away my photo albums full of random photos/exes. We all have pasts, most of us have past releationships. Just because we have a picture or two of those exes doesn’t mean we’re living in the past, or want to be with those people again.
Post # 16
I can understand how you would feel stumbling upon that. Once I stumbled upon pictures of my husband on his ex girlfriend’s FB page from when they were dating -kissing and stuff. My stomach dropped and I wanted to VOMIT when I saw them. And my husband doesn’t even talk to his ex. Yes I was creeping on her FB page, so I kind of deserved it, but it was early on in the relationship and I just wanted to snoop…. They broke up an eternity ago (2006 or 7?), but those pics are still up to this day, I think. I haven’t checked in a while. I think some people just feel compelled to hang on to that stuff, I guess. It happened and it’s a part of them. Although I wish the ex would take them down. She probably doesn’t even think about it.
ETA I have pics of exes in albums, but none on my computer. This is probably only because my computer crashed last year. Before that I had some on there. I don’t think I would have deleted them otherwise.