Post # 1
Sorry, ill try and keep this short.
My lovely FI and i just got engaged. I am over the moon about it. We havent set a date yet, and probably wont get married until Spring of 2015.
However, being ever the planner i am, i like to get the ball rolling nice and early and am having a bit of trouble with picking my bridesmaids. I already have two locked in – my cousin who is pretty much my sister – she will be my MOH and i was hers a few years ago and my best friend.
My FI and i have already decided we will have 3 each. He will have his best friend and his two brothers. Here in lies the issue. I would really really like to pick one of my FI brothers girlfriends ( wife now ) to be my 3rd bridemaid – lets call her “K’ for now. They just got married, she is absolutley lovely. I really really love her, just like a sister. We are quite close and have very similar personalitites. She is really easy going and i know she will be great in helping me to plan my special day. She is also really reliable and has a stable personality. We get on great. i cant wait for her to be my sister.
FI’s younger brother also has a girlfriend who i also love, she is great fun and we get on well also. However we just dont “click” like me and K do. She can be really immature, has some pretty deep rooted self esteem issues and is very wishy washy i think this comes with age so i am always there for her. She also has done things that make me question her reliability and can be a bit all over the place sometimes. I do love her, dont get me wrong, but i dont want her as a bridesmaid. Also she is a bit funny about my best friend – she gets quite jealous of her and has asked me before my bestie and FI’s younger brother had a “thing” before they got together (which they didnt) and i think if she see;s them speaking at our wedding she’ll lose it.
Needless to say this will go down like a lead balloon with her – i wouldnt be surprised if she held it against me forever. I dont know what to do! i dont want to hurt her, i dont like hurting anyone, but i think if i chose K and not her it would crush her. My partner thinks that its our special day and we should be able to do what we want. I need some help please – any advice would be great.
Post # 3
It is your wedding and you should pick who you want. Besides if K is now married to your FI brother she is officially part of the family. The other girlfriend is just that, a girlfriend. What if they break up? Then you have someone you are not close with and someone who is not technically family to deal with. Pick K !
Post # 4
@aribanana: Choose who YOU want. You have given excellent reasons for your choices, you will need reliable, supportive friends to stand by you through the planning and the big day. You aren’t responsible for how others react to your choices. And you certainly don’t need drama – sounds as if the GF will make trouble wherever she is.
Seriously, make your own decision and stick with it. 🙂 And congratulations!!!
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2014 - Church
@aribanana: First of all, congratulations! You have plenty of time to mull this over. Instead of freaking out about a third BM now, why don’t you just ask the two that you want right now? Or waiting to ask until you have at least set a date and it’s a yearish out from your wedding? I personally think you can have whoever you want. Besides, this girl is not engaged to your FBIL so if they ended up breaking up would you want this girl in your photos forever more? Pick someone else that you are actually close with. If you only have two, then you only have two. Uneven numbers don’t matter.
Post # 6
I would stick with K – it is so easy to explain to the brother’s girlfriend that you were trying to stick with family and K is more family than this girl. The girlfriend also could not reasonably expect you to choose her over your best friend. Just go with the preferred person – it would be much dicier if you wanted the girlfriend and not the wife but this seems reasonable.
Funny story: I told FI that we could have an uneven number and he could put his sister’s bf in the grooms party. A week after he asked the guy he broke up with his sister. It is just assumed with the guys now that this one is not in the party…so don’t worry about leaving out the unmarried ones. (also this guy had been asking about getting engaged and seemed serious)
Post # 7
Don’t do anything right now. So much can change from now until then. She may not even be in the picture by then. No one knows. Besides your BFF and your cousin who have been in your life for all of these years, I would just hold off until about one year or even less to make a choice.
Post # 8
Thanks for your advice ladies, I think ill put it on the back burner for now, alot can happen in a year. Hopefully I can find the courage to be honest without hurting anyone’s feelings 🙂
Post # 9
Who have you known the longest? Surely she knows how close you and K are – does she get jealous of this?
set a date first, then choose – don’t make the mistake I made and have 6 girls that want to be in it when I only want four and being way too nice for my own good, when they ASKED to be bridesmaids yes, asked (WTF lol) I was just engaged and on a high and said sure! Now I don’t speak to one that often anyways – but back then I never would have guessed we wouldn’t be as close now. Def pays to wait as long as possible haha!
Post # 10
As others have said, I cannot stress enough that so, so, SO much can happen and change between now and Spring 2015, no matter how unlikely you think it is. Therefore, I would highly recommend not picking your wedding party until you are less than a year out.
I know you think you are checking one more thing off the To Do list and getting ahead of the game by selecting a bridal party early, but you are not. There is absolutely nothing that your bridal party “needs to do” more than a year out. About 6 months out you start worrying about dresses and whatnot.
Case in point: We had a 2.5 year long engagement. Our first instinct was to ask certain friends to be in the wedding right away, but we held off because we weren’t completely sure yet. One of the girls I was thinking of asking was a girlfriend of a really close friend of ours… about 8 months before our wedding, they had a super nasty breakup and we aren’t friends with her anymore. I’m SO happy I didn’t impulsively ask her to be a BM!! Ultimately, we decided that a bridal party was an uneccessary complication that neither one of us wanted… so we decided not to have any attendants at all.
As for the next point, do not ask this girlfriend if you don’t feel close to her. Just don’t do it. Your wedding is not a people-pleasing circle jerk.